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#19390 - 05/08/06 04:43 PM Feeling bad for my perp
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
In one of my discussions with the police after they interrogated my perp, one of the cops told me that my perp spent most of his interrogation crying uncontrollably, and that by the end of the interview he was terrified.

My reaction to this was odd. Rather than feeling what I expected to feel, i.e., vindication, I surprised myself by feeling sorry for him. My exact thought was, "boy, I bet he is really scared."

Now don't get me wrong, I am still very angry at him, and we aren't likely to go out for beers anytime soon. It's more that I don't like seeing other people suffer. I guess my response may have been a reflection of that. All I know is as bad as it feels to be a victim, I don't really have anything to fear any more. My perp, on the other hand, now has to live in constant fear that he will be arrested.

Maybe it is because I have lived in fear for so long that I am sympathetic for any other human, even a criminal like a perp, who has to live that way.

Any thoughts?

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#19391 - 05/08/06 04:55 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Nobby,

What your post shows me is that you are a compassionate person who feels for the pain and fear of others, even if their dilemma is of their own creation and even if it arises from terrible crimes committed against you.

The way we view the perps who hurt us can be very complicated, I think. I remember when the man who abused me got chased off I didn't feel "saved" at all. I didn't even understand that it was over. I missed him, even though he had hurt me so horrifically, and I felt that somehow I was being rejected or abandoned. Go figure.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#19392 - 05/08/06 05:00 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
he was not arrested? at that time? yeah i'll bet he was scared ,but of what? maybe of the fact that what he did made him an animal even among other criminals? there is a big difference betwwen fear and remorse,all perps have one but none of them have the other,he didnt cry for you or what he did to you,he cried because he got caught!i dont think the crying he did was the same as the crying you did . i hope he rots in hell right beside my perp . shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#19394 - 05/08/06 05:56 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Yes, that's it. Adam makes an excellent point - that the abuser is just weeping at the idea now he is caught and will be exposed, imprisoned, and so on, and isn't thinking of what he has done to his victim(s). But Nobby is talking about something else. He's getting at the feeling a compassionate person can have for the suffering of others, WITHOUT at the same time feeling that that other person is innocent or not deserving of punishment.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#19395 - 05/08/06 08:27 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Nobby, I learned to forgive, not really to save perps, but to save me from more hurt.

It makes you feel more whole at being able to show compassion to someone who caused great hurt.
It is harder to forgive my older brother who just hammered it into me daily.

I bet he was quaking in his shoes at the thought of being beaten in prison, and abused himself, because a lot of the guys in prison were abused as kids themselves.

The only thing I would want to learn is that kids are safe from any more hurt.
That is the difficult bit,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#19396 - 05/08/06 10:33 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Nobby,

Personally, I'd much rather be in a place where I could feel pity for the person that abused me than to feel unresolved anger. It's poison to me. It fills my whole being with a putrid stench, and kills my spirit.

That does not mean that I would not want him punished or that I do not think he deserves whatever might happen to him as a result of his actions toward me and other children. I just refuse to waste any more time on the guy(s). At best, I can only work myself up to ambivalence toward them rather than pity, but at least that is not destroying myself with hatred.

Just my $0.02 worth.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#19397 - 05/09/06 02:57 AM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
johnsurvived Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/20/05
Posts: 332
Loc: Arlington, Virginia
Nobby,

Mixture of feelings surrounding one's perp? Hmmmm....yeah. I identified a lot with Larry's post about feeling that he missed his perp after he got chased off. After I had my adult falling-out with my brother so many decades after the abuse, I missed my brother terribly. I felt horror at what I had said to him in our last substantive conversation, shock at what I perceived as feelings of elation that I had broken free from him, and that yes, I had hurt him. Felt that he didn't care about me, so I no longer had to care about him.

And now, almost five years later, I am still wandering around this minefield of feelings. I cannot bring myself to be angry with him for the decades-old incest, only for his more recent erratic and controlling behaviors. And I do have to wonder what he had been through at twelve that he acted as he did toward me, a nine-year-old.

Part of me says it's nonsense to wonder, that that's his story and it doesn't add or detract from mine in any way. Another part of me says that wondering isn't nonsense, that it's actually harmful for me, that I'm still putting him ahead of me, protecting him by making him out as the one more hurting. Still another part says that compassion demands that I wonder, and that I would actually be less human if I did not. I think all of these 'voices' have value, all of the feelings are true, valid. But goddamnit it's hard to reconcile them.

I hope your feelings toward your perp come from some better place than mine toward my brother. I know that there is a focus by some here on forgiveness as the ultimate goal of healing. I don't know if I will get there, as I don't yet know exactly what the harm was, what it is that I should be so mad at him for. I've been furious at my parents (although I've not communicated this anger to them), but I cannot feel it, not really, for my brother. I believe that your post expresses the worthier goal of not being a victim forever -- of leaving the hurt of the trauma behind, correcting or learning to cope with the damage as much as one can, and of moving ahead. I think this can certainly include forgiveness, but I can't quite see that it *has* to.

John

_________________________
Take for us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards; for our vines have tender grapes. Song of Solomon 2:15

But let justice roll down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream. Amos 5:24

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#19398 - 05/09/06 05:11 AM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Well I know a lot of my perp's history, because my family has know him for years. He was severely abused. Doesn't make what he did/does right, but it does put it into perspective.

We are lucky because we are at least able to understand that there is an end to pain. My perp may never learn he can recover from his pain until it's too late. In fact, he may be in for a lot more of it if he is charged and goes to jail. And the thought of all that suffering makes me very sad. At the same time I would be relieved if he went to jail, because I know kids will be safe from him.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#19399 - 05/09/06 05:13 AM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i could never intentionaly hurt another human being ,but then i dont consider perps human.adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#19402 - 05/09/06 01:48 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
John,

I think this is very important:

Quote:
Part of me says it's nonsense to wonder, that that's his story and it doesn't add or detract from mine in any way. Another part of me says that wondering isn't nonsense, that it's actually harmful for me, that I'm still putting him ahead of me, protecting him by making him out as the one more hurting. Still another part says that compassion demands that I wonder, and that I would actually be less human if I did not. I think all of these 'voices' have value, all of the feelings are true, valid. But goddamnit it's hard to reconcile them.
There is something here for Little John, who is, after all, still a little kid and thinks of his world as revolving around himself and his needs - same as every little kid would think. For him the question is this: "Is it possible that I meant so little to my own big brother that he would do that to me just for sexual pleasure? Is that all I was to him?"

If there was something else in the mix, if the big brother was himself abused, then for Little John that changes everything. His brother hurt him because older kids or adults had hurt his brother and confused him. The reason wasn't that Little John meant nothing more to him than this.

Some questions, of course, will always defeat our efforts to find answers, and yes, at some point we have to stop looking and move forward in our healing. But however this works out in terms of getting answers, I bet THIS is why the issue is important to Little John in the first place.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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