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#193787 - 12/04/07 04:27 PM Violet's Update
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Just wanted to say hello. Haven't been around for awhile, but wanted to let you know what's going on.

Update- things are better. Not on the time table I would like to have, but still, much better. I have backed way off and it seems to be very helpful.

It is very difficult for me to process all my own feelings about the csa when my husband seems to blow it off- minimizing it or whatever you want to call it. I've been angry at him, his perp, his family, him, myself, anyone who says anything unkind to him, you name it. Those feelings are better, still there in some cases, but it's a lot to process. I just have to remind myself of this when I begin to feel frustrated with him- how much more for him to process.

He thanked me for having him read Victims No Longer though. I think it was the most important thing he did other than disclose.

Wishing you all a good day,
Violet

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#193788 - 12/04/07 04:44 PM Re: Violet's Update [Re: violet]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Most excellent V!

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#193840 - 12/04/07 10:21 PM Re: Violet's Update [Re: Trish4850]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Hi Violet. Thanks for the update. Seems both of you are progressing through this trauma.

One of the things that often goes overlooked is that even though the sexual abuse may be years or decades in the past, the victim's loved ones are to some extent victims of the abuser also. Kudo's to you and your husband for making the progress together.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#193957 - 12/05/07 10:24 PM Re: Violet's Update [Re: WalkingSouth]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
John,

Thank you for the part about the victim's loved ones to some extent being victims of the abuser also.

My BF's brother abused him some 50 years ago. He and I have been dating for about one year and nine months now.

I have told my BF on several occasions that I am angry as I feel that I now too have become his brother's victim. It is amazing to me as a non-survivor how much power these abusers have had for so many years and how many people's lives besides their victims that they have had the power to impact.

I was beginning to think that I was totally insane for thinking and feeling this so I thank you again for putting into words on paper so that I can see it and know that I am not alone.

Thank you.


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#193994 - 12/06/07 03:20 AM Re: Violet's Update [Re: Lou]
SongofJude Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/06/07
Posts: 6
Lou,

Originally Posted By: Lou
John,

Thank you for the part about the victim's loved ones to some extent being victims of the abuser also.



Ive just recently learned that by Boyfriend was a victim of his step father... and John is absolutely right. I feel like I am a victim in a sense too. Ive cried for hours upon hours dealing with the new information and Ive become angry that it happened at all. I feel hurt that he was hurt.

Your not alone.
SongofJude


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#193997 - 12/06/07 04:44 AM Re: Violet's Update [Re: SongofJude]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Violet:

I admire your progress in this! There are a full range of feelings surrounding being with a survivor. It is so very important to realize that those feelings are there and to work with them and through them.
John is absolutely 100% right on target in what he said. In recognizing this truth we all must embrace the complex feelings surrounding this as well. I think knowing this is important in order to work through them and move forward.
I am grateful you shared your progress with us Violet!
Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#194048 - 12/06/07 11:41 AM Re: Violet's Update [Re: sweet-n-sour]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Also, didn't mention that now I seem to be in a phase of grieving for husband, family, self.

V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#194086 - 12/06/07 01:32 PM Re: Violet's Update [Re: violet]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear V:

Be gentle on yourself during this process. I know I realized that I was looking at it from the perspective of how it could have been without the csa getting in the way of our happiness...could have been is not the reality though. This was my realization that led into many, many more.
WE all must go at this in our own way, to feel, to grieve, to grow...
Hang in there V!
Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#194130 - 12/06/07 05:51 PM Re: Violet's Update [Re: sweet-n-sour]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Violet,

Thanks for the update, and I'm so glad he's read Victims No Longer. That book is one that you keep returning to again and again. I think having read it will be a constant source of support and encouragement for him.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#194800 - 12/11/07 12:30 PM Re: Violet's Update [Re: roadrunner]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
This is the best we have been as a couple since we first met. It sounds pretty sappy, but we have regained something that has been lost for so long. Not that everything is perfect or "fixed," but for the first time in a very long time, we are on the same team instead of butting heads. And to be quite honest, our major issues were not just about my spouse's symptoms from his csa, but also my reactions to how he was acting. I'm only sorry he suffered in his silence alone for so long.

Thanks again to all of you who have been instrumental in helping me dig myself out of my pit of despair. I only hope I am able to help others on here as well.

V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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