I know the title of this thread will get the mods' attention, but my intention here is to provide help to others. This topic is probably the most difficult one of all for me, and I have a whole host of difficult topics to deal with.

I've had a serious bout of depression over the last few days. I made it. Things are slightly better. On the ten scale, I was at a 1 on Saturday. I was so low, thoughts of suicide started to permeate my consciousness once again.

Before I go further, I need to give a little background. For about 20 years of my life, suicide was always an option for me to cure my problems. I came very, very close on one occasion, and much of the rest of my time was spent planning ways I could do it painlessly. When I started to quit my addictions one by one, the feelings got stronger and stronger. When I gave up the last of my addictions, I started to think about why? That's part of the reason why my knowledge of CSA finally came up. My first flashback happened on July 17 of this year.

On that day, I decided that I would forcibly purge all suicidal thoughts out of my head. They didn't disappear. I just made a conscious effort to not think about them anymore. When I was fresh into this whole recovery business, it wasn't that hard to do. However, the depression started to get worse...and worse. As more memories came up, it became more and more difficult to purge the thoughts of suicide away. I was already in therapy, but I finally elected to see a psychiatrist because I couldn't take it anymore.

When I started taking anti-depressents, the most noticable of the depression symptoms that disappeared was the urge to end it all. All suicidal thoughts ceased, and I lived like that for several months. I didn't realize how happy I was until things started to get bad again over the past few days.

I've pinpointed the spot where I need to get help. It started on Thursday of this week, where I had a confrontation at work. It went very poorly, and the first suicidal thought in over two months came up. I was easily able to put it aside, but it started a chain reaction. The fact that I was once again in a severe depression brought on thoughts of suicide, and the thoughts of suicide made the depression worse. It's a vicious cycle.

I didn't realize how bad it was until a few words that were mentioned from a friend I have. I made several phone calls on Saturday, trying to figure out what to do. I finally ended up talking to the psychiatrist on call at a local emergency room, and she convinced me to go stay with my aunt for the weekend.

My aunt has been wonderful. I can talk about most of my CSA issues with her, and she helps me to spread new light on everything. However, I have come to realize the most difficult part. I cannot bring up suicide with her.

And I also started to realize that if the psych on call wasn't trained to talk to people about this sort of thing, I might not have been able to tell her either.

I urge everyone who has ever had thoughts of suicide, or may be thinking about it now...practice saying it so you can bring it up to a mental health professional. They'll know what to do. This site is, of course, not armed with the proper resources to help people who are suicidal, but I've come to find out that the most difficult part about dealing with suicidal thoughts, at least for me, is to bring it up to others.

I have had suicidal issues for over 20 years of my life. I finally know, now, that just a lingering thought of suicide is the point where I need to go get help fast. I now know who I can call, and I urge everyone to keep this in mind.

Most hospital emergency rooms have a psychiatrist on call at all hours of the day or night. If you are having issues and are thinking about suicide, please call the local emergency room and ask to speak to the psychiatrist on call.

I don't know how I would have made it through this weekend otherwise. No, I don't feel much better then I felt on Friday or Saturday, but the thoughts of suicide are at least temporarily gone.

Bryan

Very well framed Bryan. I'm so glad you made it through the weekend and came out of it with a plan and a method to survive.

You are gonna get through this! Just don't be afraid to fire that flare-gun when you are in trouble.

Bryan:
Thanks for the post. You are an inspiration for me. I am so proud of you and what you did and how you got through your weekend. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You are very strong and I love your desire to heal.

Until then

Ken

Bryan --

Thanks for this! It's great that you were able to pull such insight and helpful advice from in the middle of such an awful experience. Please keep doing good things for yourself & reaching out!

David

Hi again Bryan.

Ummmm.......do you remember telling me that you almost never even had a chance to be born because your Dad had to talk your Mother out of having an abortion? Do you remember what I said after you told me of that? Well, the reply I gave then is perfectly appropriate for this topic as well. So I'll repeat it now:

The world is a much better place with you in it Bryan.

Bryan, first I gotta say that this was really coragous of you to post. All of us here know the pain that silence can bring and that taking that fisrt step is the most difficult!

For you to have said this, feeling the way that you do now, shows alot of inner strength, and fortitude.

What you say about practicing it now is really important. I know that when I was 17 I was "close to the edge" closer than I have ever been and asking for help was the most important thing that I could have done and now I am glad that I did but at the time now that I look back on it, it was as difficult as discolsing my csa to sombody for the first time!

Thankyou for posting this.

Also, another possible Idea when things seem really bleak but you don't feel as if you have the corage or will to ask directly is to call a Suicide Hotline. They are free and run by volenteers with training and they are anonimous and they can be very helpful just talk to and they can also provide you with information and point you in the right direction in regards to other sources of help that are available and instruct you step by step how to go about it.
I haved called one and it really helped me alot at the time.

take care,
Logan

Been through the same here Bryan I remember 4 attempts one landed me in CCU for 4 days and 1 in institution for about 3 months. The others I just lived through. One difference with me was I did talk to others about it. Yes it was difficult but it helped me get past those times. Many trips to the ER. Still I did not stop thinking about it until I started dealing with the csa issues. I have only got a month since I opened up but its made a heck of a difference in my thinking.
Thanks for bringing up this topic because I think it is very important to all of us who have these thoughts and need to know how to express them.
Rick

Bryan-------------glad you are here-----------------those thoughts are hard------------------i have them off and on--------------------tried to do myself in in my 20s-------------still get them--------------i havent came up with the right plan---------------------maybe i never will-------------hope things get better for you-----------------steve

Your posts have been awesome, so thank you.

I can think of three different reasons why someone would be suicidal, and I have been through all three.

Yes, there was a time when I just wanted some attention. This is when the suicidal urges first started, at about age 12-13. The problem here is the fact that I met another friend who was also suicidal at that age, and he did end up killing himself when I was about 16. Therefore, I became very afraid of disclosing my thoughts to anyone to get attention because it obviously hadn't worked for my friend.

There has also been the revenge factor. If I kill myself, it will sure show him! This can be a pretty powerful motivating factor, but there came a time in my life where the concept of revenge became lost. I no longer understand revenge. To me, it is nothing more but the perpetuation of the cycle of abuse.

Finally, there is the most difficult of my motives. The desire for a solution weighs quite heavy at times. The desire to give up starts to seem like a very concrete alternative, and I have come dangerously close to being relegated to living on the streets at a couple of different times in my life.

Right now, point number three seems to be the most powerful, but the fact that so many people think that point one is such a ruse has me afraid to disclose. So few people understand suicidal tendancies. So many people just think that those of us who are suicidal are looking for attention, and they feel that it is a cowardly way to find attention. Well, I have news for those people. Even those of us who are suicidal because we want or need attention need help. The problem is....that thought pattern is the reason why many of us are afraid of seeking it.

I'll admit that I feel good about one thing that happened this weekend. When the psych on call at the clinic asked me if I had any thoughts of hurting myself, I had the courage to say, "that's why I'm on the phone with you right now."

I have a feeling I'll be making a similar phone call at some point in the future unless the 120mg of Cymbalta I'm taking every day starts working some miracles.

Bryan

i heart you bryan. don't leave us