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#188611 - 10/24/07 11:32 AM so....confused. i dont know what im doing...
IrishKipley Offline
Member

Registered: 09/17/03
Posts: 45
Loc: Eastern US
i have been with my partner for 4 years now. As i've gone back to therapy and started to dig down deep, talk about the abuse, etc....our relationship has definately changed. sometimes it is okay....but most of the time, when things turn intimate, i literally freak out. panic builds and it's just like i am small again or i flashback to being hurt so easily. it physically hurts me too...because sometimes i am so scared, but i don't say anything...i lose my voice because i am so hell-bent on doing what someone wants, wanting to make him happy because thats all i knew for so long. i just sort of dissociate from it, i'm somewhere else in my head and just wait til its over.

this really confuses me because
mmmmmmm, i have so much shame typing this. my face is burning, i wish the heat would just go ahead and totally consume me.

other than my partner...i seek out sex with someone who will hurt me. not hurt me badly but you know...i just want some pain i feel like i deserve it. i have an awful need to punish myself sexually. when i've talked about this with my therapist...he says it's not an uncommon thing. he says perhaps...since i had no control over what happened to me in the past...i am seeking out abusive encounters with someone else because, even if the situation is scary...i know in the back of my mind that if i wanted what was happening to stop, all i'd have to do is say so. i could change the ending if i wanted to. sometimes that doesn't make much sense to me, but i do see what he's saying.

im just really confused, hurting and hating myself too. i dont want to feel like this anymore...i just want to be...different

Kip


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#188619 - 10/24/07 12:08 PM Re: so....confused. i dont know what im doing... [Re: IrishKipley]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
What you are feeling is normal. As we dig into our past, the abuse issues will come to light. I definitely think you should be discussing these feelings with your partner, and in time, as much of it as you possibly can. I don't think it is fair to either of you if you don't let your partner know what you are experiencing. He might not be very happy to know that he is at risk of revictimizing you.

Don't worry about feeling ashamed to describe what is troubling you, we all feel that way when we touch on our intimacy troubles.

Just some thoughts

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#188661 - 10/24/07 06:00 PM Re: so....confused. i dont know what im doing... [Re: IrishKipley]
East Side Truman Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/01/07
Posts: 11
Loc: NYC
Hi Kip,
I read your post and my heart just sank in my chest. I really feel your pain. Its so hard sometimes to find that balance between wanting a real genuine intimacy, and still trying to unlearn the negative sexual behaviors we were taught by our perps. I've been with my partner 9 years, and recently had an encounter I'm not proud of. It's eating me up and I'm guilt-ridden. But I'm trying to remind myself that I'm doing the best I can, and using my own thinking as a battering ram against myself doesn't help. You too are doing the best you can. And I do recommend that you talk to your partner about as much of what you feel as you can, whenever you can. Most importantly, though, have compassion for yourself. You deserve the best in all aspects of your physical and emotional life. And thank you for your post. It really really helped me to hear and identify with your struggle.


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#188701 - 10/24/07 11:27 PM Re: so....confused. i dont know what im doing... [Re: East Side Truman]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Kit, (and East Side Truman too)

Your posts made my heart sink in my chest too... I wish I could tell you how to unlearn what we were taught, but I haven't figured that one out yet. Sometimes, with my husband, sex is great, very fulfilling and a lot of fun. Sometimes, it is a complete dud - absulutely nothing happens on my part. I understand that happens sometimes, and that's OK. The really bad ones are when everything is going hot and steamy, good vibes and lots of sexual energy; and then *ZAP* something happens and I'm a gonner (as opposed to a boner, LOL) and there is no recovering from that for awhile, at least for me. It's frustrating and humiliating, and it has nothing to do with desire... I'm not sure what my triggers are, but they must be there somewhere. Maybe if I could identify them, I could do something about them, maybe not; but at least I'd understand them. Now all that I'm sure of is that this is a leftover of my CSA... Thank God my husband is understanding and doesn't take it personally...

I know this wasn't much help, but just so you know that you aren't alone out there. I empathize with you...

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#191845 - 11/18/07 09:57 PM Re: so....confused. i dont know what im doing... [Re: Lazarus]
arty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/12/04
Posts: 20
Loc: Mass
ditto here. I flip flop from wanting to be hurt, to wanting to hurt myself, to wanting to make someone else hurt. In reality, I can't do any of it --except in the form of self destructive behaviors.... GOD, I WISH I COULD UNLEARN ALL OF THAT! But considering that literally most of my childhood was filled with abuse from multiple family members sexually, physically and emotionally, I'd say I am functioning pretty well. don't think my post will help you, but I do feel your pain!


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#191848 - 11/18/07 10:32 PM Re: so....confused. i dont know what im doing... [Re: arty]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Kip, I'd like to revisit this one again, since it is the most important and persistent leftover of my CSA. I have a high sex drive, and I masturbate a lot. But when it comes to having sex with my partner (who is willing and able) I am reluctant because I never know if I will respond appropriately. There are so many feelings wrapped up in this that I don't know where to start, and it's just easier to 'do it myself'. But that's not what I want, and I know that's not what my partner wants.

I don't know how to get past this. Maybe if we all can talk about it a bit more, I can find some common thread that I can work on, some clue as to what I have overlooked.

So I just wanted to bring this back to the top of the list, in hopes that everyone will have their say. Thanks for bringing this up.

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#193658 - 12/03/07 07:45 PM Re: so....confused. i dont know what im doing... [Re: Lazarus]
courageousone Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/03/07
Posts: 3
I know how you feel i had a relationship with an older man for 3 years we never deeply embraced one another ive found out as well that im old enough to control what i want or what i need but sometimes i would get so torn up and feel guilt and shame over being with a man who was old enough as i was old enough to feel in our friendship /sexcapades he was the mentor and i was the student who thought i could prevent the hurt if i could control it im convinced that im gay and im okay with that for years i suffered with feeling aroused by men and still am working very hard on accepting myself and my feelings fully.


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