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#193607 - 12/03/07 03:36 PM Depression and Suicide
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I know the title of this thread will get the mods' attention, but my intention here is to provide help to others. This topic is probably the most difficult one of all for me, and I have a whole host of difficult topics to deal with.

I've had a serious bout of depression over the last few days. I made it. Things are slightly better. On the ten scale, I was at a 1 on Saturday. I was so low, thoughts of suicide started to permeate my consciousness once again.

Before I go further, I need to give a little background. For about 20 years of my life, suicide was always an option for me to cure my problems. I came very, very close on one occasion, and much of the rest of my time was spent planning ways I could do it painlessly. When I started to quit my addictions one by one, the feelings got stronger and stronger. When I gave up the last of my addictions, I started to think about why? That's part of the reason why my knowledge of CSA finally came up. My first flashback happened on July 17 of this year.

On that day, I decided that I would forcibly purge all suicidal thoughts out of my head. They didn't disappear. I just made a conscious effort to not think about them anymore. When I was fresh into this whole recovery business, it wasn't that hard to do. However, the depression started to get worse...and worse. As more memories came up, it became more and more difficult to purge the thoughts of suicide away. I was already in therapy, but I finally elected to see a psychiatrist because I couldn't take it anymore.

When I started taking anti-depressents, the most noticable of the depression symptoms that disappeared was the urge to end it all. All suicidal thoughts ceased, and I lived like that for several months. I didn't realize how happy I was until things started to get bad again over the past few days.

I've pinpointed the spot where I need to get help. It started on Thursday of this week, where I had a confrontation at work. It went very poorly, and the first suicidal thought in over two months came up. I was easily able to put it aside, but it started a chain reaction. The fact that I was once again in a severe depression brought on thoughts of suicide, and the thoughts of suicide made the depression worse. It's a vicious cycle.

I didn't realize how bad it was until a few words that were mentioned from a friend I have. I made several phone calls on Saturday, trying to figure out what to do. I finally ended up talking to the psychiatrist on call at a local emergency room, and she convinced me to go stay with my aunt for the weekend.

My aunt has been wonderful. I can talk about most of my CSA issues with her, and she helps me to spread new light on everything. However, I have come to realize the most difficult part. I cannot bring up suicide with her.

And I also started to realize that if the psych on call wasn't trained to talk to people about this sort of thing, I might not have been able to tell her either.

I urge everyone who has ever had thoughts of suicide, or may be thinking about it now...practice saying it so you can bring it up to a mental health professional. They'll know what to do. This site is, of course, not armed with the proper resources to help people who are suicidal, but I've come to find out that the most difficult part about dealing with suicidal thoughts, at least for me, is to bring it up to others.

I have had suicidal issues for over 20 years of my life. I finally know, now, that just a lingering thought of suicide is the point where I need to go get help fast. I now know who I can call, and I urge everyone to keep this in mind.

Most hospital emergency rooms have a psychiatrist on call at all hours of the day or night. If you are having issues and are thinking about suicide, please call the local emergency room and ask to speak to the psychiatrist on call.

I don't know how I would have made it through this weekend otherwise. No, I don't feel much better then I felt on Friday or Saturday, but the thoughts of suicide are at least temporarily gone.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#193609 - 12/03/07 04:02 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: BJK]
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Very well framed Bryan. I'm so glad you made it through the weekend and came out of it with a plan and a method to survive.

You are gonna get through this! Just don't be afraid to fire that flare-gun when you are in trouble.

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#193614 - 12/03/07 04:24 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: Still]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Bryan:
Thanks for the post. You are an inspiration for me. I am so proud of you and what you did and how you got through your weekend. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You are very strong and I love your desire to heal.

Until then

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#193618 - 12/03/07 04:31 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: KENKEN]
MemoryVault Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Bryan --

Thanks for this! It's great that you were able to pull such insight and helpful advice from in the middle of such an awful experience. Please keep doing good things for yourself & reaching out!

David


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#193641 - 12/03/07 06:10 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: MemoryVault]
Hauser Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Hi again Bryan.

Ummmm.......do you remember telling me that you almost never even had a chance to be born because your Dad had to talk your Mother out of having an abortion? Do you remember what I said after you told me of that? Well, the reply I gave then is perfectly appropriate for this topic as well. So I'll repeat it now:

The world is a much better place with you in it Bryan.


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#193647 - 12/03/07 06:49 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: MemoryVault]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1238
Loc: NY
Bryan, first I gotta say that this was really coragous of you to post. All of us here know the pain that silence can bring and that taking that fisrt step is the most difficult!

For you to have said this, feeling the way that you do now, shows alot of inner strength, and fortitude.

What you say about practicing it now is really important. I know that when I was 17 I was "close to the edge" closer than I have ever been and asking for help was the most important thing that I could have done and now I am glad that I did but at the time now that I look back on it, it was as difficult as discolsing my csa to sombody for the first time!

Thankyou for posting this.

Also, another possible Idea when things seem really bleak but you don't feel as if you have the corage or will to ask directly is to call a Suicide Hotline. They are free and run by volenteers with training and they are anonimous and they can be very helpful just talk to and they can also provide you with information and point you in the right direction in regards to other sources of help that are available and instruct you step by step how to go about it.
I haved called one and it really helped me alot at the time.

take care,
Logan

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#193649 - 12/03/07 07:07 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: Logan]
GateKPR4 Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Been through the same here Bryan I remember 4 attempts one landed me in CCU for 4 days and 1 in institution for about 3 months. The others I just lived through. One difference with me was I did talk to others about it. Yes it was difficult but it helped me get past those times. Many trips to the ER. Still I did not stop thinking about it until I started dealing with the csa issues. I have only got a month since I opened up but its made a heck of a difference in my thinking.
Thanks for bringing up this topic because I think it is very important to all of us who have these thoughts and need to know how to express them.
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#193651 - 12/03/07 07:10 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: Logan]
sabata Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Bryan-------------glad you are here-----------------those thoughts are hard------------------i have them off and on--------------------tried to do myself in in my 20s-------------still get them--------------i havent came up with the right plan---------------------maybe i never will-------------hope things get better for you-----------------steve


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#193666 - 12/03/07 08:29 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: sabata]
BJK Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Your posts have been awesome, so thank you.

I can think of three different reasons why someone would be suicidal, and I have been through all three.

Yes, there was a time when I just wanted some attention. This is when the suicidal urges first started, at about age 12-13. The problem here is the fact that I met another friend who was also suicidal at that age, and he did end up killing himself when I was about 16. Therefore, I became very afraid of disclosing my thoughts to anyone to get attention because it obviously hadn't worked for my friend.

There has also been the revenge factor. If I kill myself, it will sure show him! This can be a pretty powerful motivating factor, but there came a time in my life where the concept of revenge became lost. I no longer understand revenge. To me, it is nothing more but the perpetuation of the cycle of abuse.

Finally, there is the most difficult of my motives. The desire for a solution weighs quite heavy at times. The desire to give up starts to seem like a very concrete alternative, and I have come dangerously close to being relegated to living on the streets at a couple of different times in my life.

Right now, point number three seems to be the most powerful, but the fact that so many people think that point one is such a ruse has me afraid to disclose. So few people understand suicidal tendancies. So many people just think that those of us who are suicidal are looking for attention, and they feel that it is a cowardly way to find attention. Well, I have news for those people. Even those of us who are suicidal because we want or need attention need help. The problem is....that thought pattern is the reason why many of us are afraid of seeking it.

I'll admit that I feel good about one thing that happened this weekend. When the psych on call at the clinic asked me if I had any thoughts of hurting myself, I had the courage to say, "that's why I'm on the phone with you right now."

I have a feeling I'll be making a similar phone call at some point in the future unless the 120mg of Cymbalta I'm taking every day starts working some miracles.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#193668 - 12/03/07 08:38 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: BJK]
Jarrad Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i heart you bryan. don't leave us \:\)


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#193675 - 12/03/07 09:34 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: Jarrad]
mogigo Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I know very much your #3 Bryan. It was kind of my plan B for many many years. No matter what happens I can always go to plan B and everything will be fine. I know, not really "fine" but that was the way I was thinking.

Right after my rape I did the #1 one with my family, I was screaming out for someone to pay attention to me, I needed someone to know how much pain I was in. Unfortunately my Father told everyone in my family to ignore me because I was just looking for attention. He was right, I was looking for attention, isn't that what parents are supposed to do, pay attention to their children. Maybe if he had paid attention to me 20 years ago I wouldn't be dealing with it now.

No one here will ignore you Bryan

Love you, we're here for you.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#193692 - 12/04/07 12:27 AM Re: [Re: Jarrad]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
...


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 02:03 PM)

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#193707 - 12/04/07 04:26 AM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: bardo213]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bryan,

You're right: a topic like this does come right up on the radar in Modville, but that's because we have to look out for cases where a guy is actively planning and discussing suicide. We just aren't able to deal with that or help someone in that situation.

What you're talking about is something else: a situation where suicidal thoughts come up and you want to resist them. That's perfectly okay here. You have a lot of good insights here and I hope other guys who have these same thoughts and fears will take them into account.

I remember being suicidal when I was 12 and the abuser, after having abused me in other ways for two years, decided it was time for full sex. I was so traumatized and frightened that I couldn't imagine continuing to live like this. But I was lucky. My sister bounced into the house just as I was about to act. After that I gave up on the idea; I didn't want Cathie (she ws 10 at the time) to be the one who found me, and I thought if I am gone then my younger sister Betsy would have no lap to sit in to watch cartoons. Guess that's how kids think.

I keep thinking that the key here is solitude. If we clam up and isolate it becomes more tempting to see the world in terms of only the bad stuff. But if we talk to others and reach out for help to good safe friends, then we come to see that things aren't as black as they sometimes seem. By relating to them we get back in touch with our own value and the value of our lives.

I hope you can see the responses to your thread as more than just helpful words on a screen. They are genuine sentiments and appreciations from real people who genuinely care about you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#193717 - 12/04/07 05:53 AM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: roadrunner]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
What do I think about when I'm in the deepest throes of my depression?

I think about something that was taken from me that I'll never be able to retrieve. I never had a chance to be a child. No one ever held me and told me "it's going to be okay." No one ever held my hand while crossing the street. No one ever tucked me in at night. No one ever loved me, and the easiest solution to deal with that is to give up.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#193723 - 12/04/07 06:17 AM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: BJK]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Bryan---------------you took the wordsout of my mind----------------if i may-(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((BRYAN)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))--------------steve


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#193785 - 12/04/07 04:18 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: sabata]
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Bryan,

I didn't see this topic until this morning.

I have been drpressed for several days. Yesterday something happened that broke the camels back.

I was suicidal.

In the past I would let these thoughts dwell inside of me uncontrolled and spirilizing out of control...

This time I went to see a movie, a holiday movie. As I sat in the dark not watching the movie just thinking about what others lives would be like without me. .

It was a time not gloating about how i have helped others, but what would like nieces and nephews tell others about what happened to their uncle Jim

Who was that man in the picture who was hugging you after your team lost? My Uncle Jim... He killed himself.

Who was that man who you have talked about for so many years and now not here? Uncle Jim, I just can't have them say he killed himself.

He has been there for me all of my life since being born, He took himself away out of my life before I could return the love and help him, as an adult. I am an adult now and he didn't give me the chance to help him. A huge part of me is missing.

Someone took a picture of me at 2yrs old pouring water on Uncle Jims head. He was the adult here, instead of scolding me, he dumped water on my head. We both laughed. He is not here to re-tell the story over and over again because he killed himself. I hurt.
--------------

What went through my head yesterday was momentary. Once I was able to put this into perspective and really realized at what cost I would put others through, the suicidal thoughta stopped.

As my nieces and nephews get married and have kids, Uncle jim will still be there, just being Uncle Jim. I will be there for every sporting event for my Great Nieces and Nephews, just like I have been there for their parents.

Brothers and sister here at MS if you have had, still have these suicidal thoughts please take a long look at others in your life directly and indirectly and relize what u have in life. Call a hotline, talk to someone..

BTW: My niece is in scrouge this Saturday and I won't miss her performance for anything in the world, holding a boquet of roses and giving her a hug and flowers after the performance is over.

THis is what life is all about.

Sorry for the misspellings here. THoughts just came out. i don't come out of the of the members forums much, but i had to for this reason.

Bryan, I hope I didn't hijack you post here.

-Jim (Uncle Jim) if my nieces and nephews ever come here and read this. I love you all.




_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#193790 - 12/04/07 04:58 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: bardo213]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Healing Inside, that was a wonderful tribute to Uncle Jim. I'm glad you realize how true it is.

I don't want to hijack this very important topic, just wanted to interject a little humor I was reminded of by Lynch;

Originally Posted By: lynchmob212001
I've been there; that fear, shame, feeling alone, hopelessness, deppressed, your so scared and theres no where to go, its like you've dug yourself a nice deep hole and its hard to get out until you find that special person that throws down that rope to you to help you out...


See, there's this guy in a deep hole. A doctor walks by and he yells out to the doctor to help him. The doctor throws him a couple of pre>
_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#193791 - 12/04/07 05:00 PM Re: [Re: Jarrad]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
....


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 02:04 PM)

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#193792 - 12/04/07 05:03 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: healing_inside]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Uncle Jim, \:\) My daughter got me through, not a chance in hell I could hurt her like that. While we fight alot, we butt heads constantly, but I know it's because of the pain she's already been through. She sure as hell won't get any more pain from me.

Tough sometimes to have to take out my plan B, but she's innocent in all this. I thank god for her, I'm still here \:\)

She'll never know, but she saved my life \:\)

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#193796 - 12/04/07 05:56 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: mogigo]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
This topic is certainly one that has come up in my thoughts lately. Just briefly my story. (Haven't got the guts to put in words everything that happened to me). I was abused by my older brother. Kept this a complete secret from everyone until Sept. of this year. I was acting out and my GF caught on. Now that the secret is out I am very actively getting professional help.

But I do know that I do not want to ever go back to the old Ken where I stop getting help and do not get my csa under control. I have the thought in the back of my head that if that happens I might do something really stupid. I don't want to live any more with those "other feelings".

So for me this is a do or die situation. I am very determined at this stage in recovery. I just hope and pray that my determination and strength continues.

Thanks for listerning

Until then

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#193812 - 12/04/07 07:51 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: Jarrad]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Bryan,
It is encouraging to all of us to see how you have reached for help. It takes a vey brave man to do what you did and also an intelligent man to know when to seek help. I know the thought has crossed many of our minds at some point as we deal with the pain of CSA. I recently lost a freind to suicide and have seen the devisation it causes to wives and children. Remain strong and grounded and let those around you know how much you love them and how they can help you. I will keep you in my prayers...

The world is a better place with bryan in it.

Much Love,

Dan M.


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#193815 - 12/04/07 08:04 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: DanM]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
As always, thank you for the posts.

The problem for me is, I do not consciously think about suicide. I don't intentionally put the thought into my head. It gets there on its own, and it's a result of depression.

Last week, I was trying to figure out how to deal with a whole mess of issues all at once, and those of us who are familiar with depression know the cycle. I replayed scenarios over and over in my head, and suddenly there was the single solution that would fix everything...take away all the pain. I wouldn't have to face it anymore. I pushed it away with ease the first time it reared its ugly head, but the fact that I even thought of it spiraled me deeper into depression. Before I knew it, I was in so deep that I couldn't face anything alone anymore.

Sometimes, knowing I'm loved just isn't enough. For the first 32 years of my life, I did not know what love was. This is a new concept to me. Love is painful. The fact that I did not know love for the first 32 years of my life was painful. The fact that I am just learning now about love is painful. When I think about what my nieces and my nephew think about their uncle Bryan, it hurts. It all hurts right now.

I know I have too much to live for...too much to throw away. The problem is, like I said before, I don't intentionally sit and think about suicide. The thoughts about suicide become overwhelming at times, and I know that when the very first glimpse of suicde being a potential solution rears its ugly head, it's time to call to get help.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#193846 - 12/04/07 10:48 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: DanM]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
I've been debating about this post for a few days, and I finally think I'm ready.

Some of you have mentioned about people in your lives who have saved you from suicide, either by intervention or by the thought of the harm your suicide would cause them. It is that second thought that has always kept me far from attempting the act that I know could end my personal suffering. I know it would be almost as devastating to my children as if they were victims of CSA themselves. Call it Childhood Suicide Abuse, or whatever. All I know is that no matter how bad it gets for me, I would never do that to them. I'd abandon them to my relatives first, if it got that bad.

I'd like to relate a story to you; My husband was in a relationship with another man before he met me. This man was a politician, and very prominant is Baton Rouge. He had AIDS, and he had three beautiful children, who lived with him. But his disease got so bad, he thought he had no other way out. He killed himself in his home office one weekday. My hubby was the one who found him, but he wasn't quite dead yet. My hubby was trying to call 911 when the kids got home from school. He told the kids to go to their rooms and start their homework, and then tried to carry his dying lover someplace where the Medics could work on him. This man vomited blood on my hubby, thereby infecting him with HIV. I wasn't there, but it must have been an awful scene... The kids were traumatized, my husband was traumatized and infected... I can't see how there could have been a worse outcome, unless my hubby hadn't come home first and found him, and his children had made the greusome discovery.

I can understand why this man had wanted to kill himself... To end the trials and tribulations of a terrible disease. But the way he did it I will NEVER forgive. In day to day life, it should have been his kids who discovered the body. That is inexcuseable. My hubby happened to intervene, and got infected with HIV in the process.

So I say this with the utmost compassion for those who might me struggling with suicide... Don't punish us for your pain. Go out into the woods and shoot yourself if you must, but make sure that your kids, your wife or husband, or your Mom and Dad aren't the ones who find you. In a way, Suicide can be an act of courage and bravery, but NOT UNLESS you consider the ones you leave behind who care about you. Otherwise you can cause more harm than the ones who abused you. Can you imagine what would happen if your kids found you dead at your desk in a pool of blood.

I'm not going to weigh in on the whole suicide subject just yet. All I am saying at this point is to ask you to think of the other people your death might affect, and how it will affect them. If you have to 'off' yourself, for god's sake do it in a way that doesn't traumatize the people who love(d) you any more than necessary.

I could never contemplate suicide because of the hurt it would cause others, no matter how bad I feel. I KNOW there are people who love me. I could never hurt them in that way. If I were hit by a bus it would be different. Suicide is the sharpest knife in the block to hurt other people, and as far as I'm concerned if it's not done properly (to conceal it from our loved ones) is one of the most cowardly act possible, right up there with those who sexually abuse children.

Yes, my feelings are strong on this one. Suicide is a cop-out, and if you want to take that route, just make sure that you don't hurt anybody else on the way out, any more than you have to.

Sayonara.

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#193848 - 12/04/07 11:01 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: Lazarus]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Well said Laz. However, When I got into trouble with suicidal thoughts and plans, I could not think of anyone else.

Your post re-inforces the reality though. Thanks

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#193867 - 12/05/07 01:29 AM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: Still]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Me again.

I wanted to throw some more questions at you Bryan ok? I would like to address a question that has probably come into your head recently although you've not verbalized it. "Is it worth it?" In other words, is the anguish, and hurt that you're feeling now worth facing? Well, to answer that question, let us now look at your nephew (the 8yo nephew who said that he loved you on the phone and made you cry). Dude, you SAVED him from your perp mother, she ALMOST had him in her clutches but you grabbed him away from her in the nick of time! So, are you glad you're still here? Or, how about the notion that maybe one day your sister will ask you to watch her kids while she takes a vacation, and YOU get to tuck those kids in? Wouldn't that be cool? Or what if you develop an intimate *relationship with a woman and have your OWN kids, and you tuck them in and tell them how special they are and how much they matter and how much you care about them every night?

Oh, and how could I forget to mention, Bryan, you helped ME too.

Even if you never asked yourself that question, I thought I would throw these thoughts out there.


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#193871 - 12/05/07 04:32 AM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: Hauser]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Alan, of course I'm glad I'm still here...at the moment. But Rob's words are the ones that are the ones that ring the most true at the moment:

Quote:
When I got into trouble with suicidal thoughts and plans, I could not think of anyone else.


When thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, there is nothing else.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#193874 - 12/05/07 06:30 AM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: BJK]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
for me---------------------thats the majority of my life-----------------depression-----------at different levels------------toying with thoughts---------of how to get it over with----------------------------i often hope for some kind of disease------cancer-----------or something -----------so i dont have to do it myself---------------------no luck yet----------------i think people die every day all over the world all ages-----------i often think i would gladley give my life to some one who need it more than me--------------who is more deserving------------who has loving people in thier life who cares-------------------------------------------i get visions of cutting myself up with a razor blade----------------------all kind of thoughts--------------------------------some times they get heavey-the thoughts-some times they lessen-but still linger-----------there is no one in my life-----------------------i dont see there will ever be-----------------------so whats the big deal-------------------------------------------if i vanished today------------no one would notice---------------------life goes on -for the living---------------------------------i am all ready dead---------------inside---------------------------------been dead inside for years-------------------------------i think is is so great for the ones here who-----------------have someone-----------who cares--------------maybe to be able to experance childern or grand childern--------------------------not me-------------------so i trudge along---------------------same old shit------------------


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#193901 - 12/05/07 01:01 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: sabata]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Brian,

Thanks for this post.

I am late here,but I cn finally tell you that you have done a great job at finding a good way to release your sad feelings.

(((Brian)))

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#193943 - 12/05/07 07:43 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: alexey]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
What goes through my mind? This one really hit home with me.

"No one ever held me and told me "it's going to be okay."

I remember other times it just seemed like a better solution than the way I was feeling and living.

Today is different I haven't tried to off myself in about a 1 1/2 years. Last was more a cry for help. Bryan I have also had all 3 you mentioned. It's not a good place to be but I didn't know any different way than what I had learned, and that was not much.

You have said a lot that I have only thought, I think that says a lot about you and your recovery.
Rick \:\)

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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