Newest Members
FredM88, Vermona, Jas52, oliviaavaxj, biboy24
12109 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
-Matt- (39), kevin1963 (51), Northwoods (61), rcb0973 (58), sportinrucks (29)
Who's Online
3 registered (JayBro, jtafoya11, 1 invisible), 65 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12109 Members
73 Forums
62492 Topics
438003 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 3 of 3 < 1 2 3
Topic Options
#193812 - 12/04/07 07:51 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: Jarrad]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Bryan,
It is encouraging to all of us to see how you have reached for help. It takes a vey brave man to do what you did and also an intelligent man to know when to seek help. I know the thought has crossed many of our minds at some point as we deal with the pain of CSA. I recently lost a freind to suicide and have seen the devisation it causes to wives and children. Remain strong and grounded and let those around you know how much you love them and how they can help you. I will keep you in my prayers...

The world is a better place with bryan in it.

Much Love,

Dan M.


Top
#193815 - 12/04/07 08:04 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: DanM]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
As always, thank you for the posts.

The problem for me is, I do not consciously think about suicide. I don't intentionally put the thought into my head. It gets there on its own, and it's a result of depression.

Last week, I was trying to figure out how to deal with a whole mess of issues all at once, and those of us who are familiar with depression know the cycle. I replayed scenarios over and over in my head, and suddenly there was the single solution that would fix everything...take away all the pain. I wouldn't have to face it anymore. I pushed it away with ease the first time it reared its ugly head, but the fact that I even thought of it spiraled me deeper into depression. Before I knew it, I was in so deep that I couldn't face anything alone anymore.

Sometimes, knowing I'm loved just isn't enough. For the first 32 years of my life, I did not know what love was. This is a new concept to me. Love is painful. The fact that I did not know love for the first 32 years of my life was painful. The fact that I am just learning now about love is painful. When I think about what my nieces and my nephew think about their uncle Bryan, it hurts. It all hurts right now.

I know I have too much to live for...too much to throw away. The problem is, like I said before, I don't intentionally sit and think about suicide. The thoughts about suicide become overwhelming at times, and I know that when the very first glimpse of suicde being a potential solution rears its ugly head, it's time to call to get help.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#193846 - 12/04/07 10:48 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: DanM]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
I've been debating about this post for a few days, and I finally think I'm ready.

Some of you have mentioned about people in your lives who have saved you from suicide, either by intervention or by the thought of the harm your suicide would cause them. It is that second thought that has always kept me far from attempting the act that I know could end my personal suffering. I know it would be almost as devastating to my children as if they were victims of CSA themselves. Call it Childhood Suicide Abuse, or whatever. All I know is that no matter how bad it gets for me, I would never do that to them. I'd abandon them to my relatives first, if it got that bad.

I'd like to relate a story to you; My husband was in a relationship with another man before he met me. This man was a politician, and very prominant is Baton Rouge. He had AIDS, and he had three beautiful children, who lived with him. But his disease got so bad, he thought he had no other way out. He killed himself in his home office one weekday. My hubby was the one who found him, but he wasn't quite dead yet. My hubby was trying to call 911 when the kids got home from school. He told the kids to go to their rooms and start their homework, and then tried to carry his dying lover someplace where the Medics could work on him. This man vomited blood on my hubby, thereby infecting him with HIV. I wasn't there, but it must have been an awful scene... The kids were traumatized, my husband was traumatized and infected... I can't see how there could have been a worse outcome, unless my hubby hadn't come home first and found him, and his children had made the greusome discovery.

I can understand why this man had wanted to kill himself... To end the trials and tribulations of a terrible disease. But the way he did it I will NEVER forgive. In day to day life, it should have been his kids who discovered the body. That is inexcuseable. My hubby happened to intervene, and got infected with HIV in the process.

So I say this with the utmost compassion for those who might me struggling with suicide... Don't punish us for your pain. Go out into the woods and shoot yourself if you must, but make sure that your kids, your wife or husband, or your Mom and Dad aren't the ones who find you. In a way, Suicide can be an act of courage and bravery, but NOT UNLESS you consider the ones you leave behind who care about you. Otherwise you can cause more harm than the ones who abused you. Can you imagine what would happen if your kids found you dead at your desk in a pool of blood.

I'm not going to weigh in on the whole suicide subject just yet. All I am saying at this point is to ask you to think of the other people your death might affect, and how it will affect them. If you have to 'off' yourself, for god's sake do it in a way that doesn't traumatize the people who love(d) you any more than necessary.

I could never contemplate suicide because of the hurt it would cause others, no matter how bad I feel. I KNOW there are people who love me. I could never hurt them in that way. If I were hit by a bus it would be different. Suicide is the sharpest knife in the block to hurt other people, and as far as I'm concerned if it's not done properly (to conceal it from our loved ones) is one of the most cowardly act possible, right up there with those who sexually abuse children.

Yes, my feelings are strong on this one. Suicide is a cop-out, and if you want to take that route, just make sure that you don't hurt anybody else on the way out, any more than you have to.

Sayonara.

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

Top
#193848 - 12/04/07 11:01 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: Lazarus]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Well said Laz. However, When I got into trouble with suicidal thoughts and plans, I could not think of anyone else.

Your post re-inforces the reality though. Thanks

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

Top
#193867 - 12/05/07 01:29 AM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: Still]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Me again.

I wanted to throw some more questions at you Bryan ok? I would like to address a question that has probably come into your head recently although you've not verbalized it. "Is it worth it?" In other words, is the anguish, and hurt that you're feeling now worth facing? Well, to answer that question, let us now look at your nephew (the 8yo nephew who said that he loved you on the phone and made you cry). Dude, you SAVED him from your perp mother, she ALMOST had him in her clutches but you grabbed him away from her in the nick of time! So, are you glad you're still here? Or, how about the notion that maybe one day your sister will ask you to watch her kids while she takes a vacation, and YOU get to tuck those kids in? Wouldn't that be cool? Or what if you develop an intimate *relationship with a woman and have your OWN kids, and you tuck them in and tell them how special they are and how much they matter and how much you care about them every night?

Oh, and how could I forget to mention, Bryan, you helped ME too.

Even if you never asked yourself that question, I thought I would throw these thoughts out there.


Top
#193871 - 12/05/07 04:32 AM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: Hauser]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Alan, of course I'm glad I'm still here...at the moment. But Rob's words are the ones that are the ones that ring the most true at the moment:

Quote:
When I got into trouble with suicidal thoughts and plans, I could not think of anyone else.


When thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, there is nothing else.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#193874 - 12/05/07 06:30 AM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: BJK]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
for me---------------------thats the majority of my life-----------------depression-----------at different levels------------toying with thoughts---------of how to get it over with----------------------------i often hope for some kind of disease------cancer-----------or something -----------so i dont have to do it myself---------------------no luck yet----------------i think people die every day all over the world all ages-----------i often think i would gladley give my life to some one who need it more than me--------------who is more deserving------------who has loving people in thier life who cares-------------------------------------------i get visions of cutting myself up with a razor blade----------------------all kind of thoughts--------------------------------some times they get heavey-the thoughts-some times they lessen-but still linger-----------there is no one in my life-----------------------i dont see there will ever be-----------------------so whats the big deal-------------------------------------------if i vanished today------------no one would notice---------------------life goes on -for the living---------------------------------i am all ready dead---------------inside---------------------------------been dead inside for years-------------------------------i think is is so great for the ones here who-----------------have someone-----------who cares--------------maybe to be able to experance childern or grand childern--------------------------not me-------------------so i trudge along---------------------same old shit------------------


Top
#193901 - 12/05/07 01:01 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: sabata]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Brian,

Thanks for this post.

I am late here,but I cn finally tell you that you have done a great job at finding a good way to release your sad feelings.

(((Brian)))

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

Top
#193943 - 12/05/07 07:43 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: alexey]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
What goes through my mind? This one really hit home with me.

"No one ever held me and told me "it's going to be okay."

I remember other times it just seemed like a better solution than the way I was feeling and living.

Today is different I haven't tried to off myself in about a 1 1/2 years. Last was more a cry for help. Bryan I have also had all 3 you mentioned. It's not a good place to be but I didn't know any different way than what I had learned, and that was not much.

You have said a lot that I have only thought, I think that says a lot about you and your recovery.
Rick \:\)

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

Top
Page 3 of 3 < 1 2 3


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.