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#193675 - 12/03/07 09:34 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: Jarrad]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I know very much your #3 Bryan. It was kind of my plan B for many many years. No matter what happens I can always go to plan B and everything will be fine. I know, not really "fine" but that was the way I was thinking.

Right after my rape I did the #1 one with my family, I was screaming out for someone to pay attention to me, I needed someone to know how much pain I was in. Unfortunately my Father told everyone in my family to ignore me because I was just looking for attention. He was right, I was looking for attention, isn't that what parents are supposed to do, pay attention to their children. Maybe if he had paid attention to me 20 years ago I wouldn't be dealing with it now.

No one here will ignore you Bryan

Love you, we're here for you.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#193692 - 12/04/07 12:27 AM Re: [Re: Jarrad]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
...


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 02:03 PM)

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#193707 - 12/04/07 04:26 AM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: bardo213]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bryan,

You're right: a topic like this does come right up on the radar in Modville, but that's because we have to look out for cases where a guy is actively planning and discussing suicide. We just aren't able to deal with that or help someone in that situation.

What you're talking about is something else: a situation where suicidal thoughts come up and you want to resist them. That's perfectly okay here. You have a lot of good insights here and I hope other guys who have these same thoughts and fears will take them into account.

I remember being suicidal when I was 12 and the abuser, after having abused me in other ways for two years, decided it was time for full sex. I was so traumatized and frightened that I couldn't imagine continuing to live like this. But I was lucky. My sister bounced into the house just as I was about to act. After that I gave up on the idea; I didn't want Cathie (she ws 10 at the time) to be the one who found me, and I thought if I am gone then my younger sister Betsy would have no lap to sit in to watch cartoons. Guess that's how kids think.

I keep thinking that the key here is solitude. If we clam up and isolate it becomes more tempting to see the world in terms of only the bad stuff. But if we talk to others and reach out for help to good safe friends, then we come to see that things aren't as black as they sometimes seem. By relating to them we get back in touch with our own value and the value of our lives.

I hope you can see the responses to your thread as more than just helpful words on a screen. They are genuine sentiments and appreciations from real people who genuinely care about you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#193717 - 12/04/07 05:53 AM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: roadrunner]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
What do I think about when I'm in the deepest throes of my depression?

I think about something that was taken from me that I'll never be able to retrieve. I never had a chance to be a child. No one ever held me and told me "it's going to be okay." No one ever held my hand while crossing the street. No one ever tucked me in at night. No one ever loved me, and the easiest solution to deal with that is to give up.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#193723 - 12/04/07 06:17 AM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: BJK]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Bryan---------------you took the wordsout of my mind----------------if i may-(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((BRYAN)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))--------------steve


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#193785 - 12/04/07 04:18 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: sabata]
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Bryan,

I didn't see this topic until this morning.

I have been drpressed for several days. Yesterday something happened that broke the camels back.

I was suicidal.

In the past I would let these thoughts dwell inside of me uncontrolled and spirilizing out of control...

This time I went to see a movie, a holiday movie. As I sat in the dark not watching the movie just thinking about what others lives would be like without me. .

It was a time not gloating about how i have helped others, but what would like nieces and nephews tell others about what happened to their uncle Jim

Who was that man in the picture who was hugging you after your team lost? My Uncle Jim... He killed himself.

Who was that man who you have talked about for so many years and now not here? Uncle Jim, I just can't have them say he killed himself.

He has been there for me all of my life since being born, He took himself away out of my life before I could return the love and help him, as an adult. I am an adult now and he didn't give me the chance to help him. A huge part of me is missing.

Someone took a picture of me at 2yrs old pouring water on Uncle Jims head. He was the adult here, instead of scolding me, he dumped water on my head. We both laughed. He is not here to re-tell the story over and over again because he killed himself. I hurt.
--------------

What went through my head yesterday was momentary. Once I was able to put this into perspective and really realized at what cost I would put others through, the suicidal thoughta stopped.

As my nieces and nephews get married and have kids, Uncle jim will still be there, just being Uncle Jim. I will be there for every sporting event for my Great Nieces and Nephews, just like I have been there for their parents.

Brothers and sister here at MS if you have had, still have these suicidal thoughts please take a long look at others in your life directly and indirectly and relize what u have in life. Call a hotline, talk to someone..

BTW: My niece is in scrouge this Saturday and I won't miss her performance for anything in the world, holding a boquet of roses and giving her a hug and flowers after the performance is over.

THis is what life is all about.

Sorry for the misspellings here. THoughts just came out. i don't come out of the of the members forums much, but i had to for this reason.

Bryan, I hope I didn't hijack you post here.

-Jim (Uncle Jim) if my nieces and nephews ever come here and read this. I love you all.




_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#193790 - 12/04/07 04:58 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: bardo213]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Healing Inside, that was a wonderful tribute to Uncle Jim. I'm glad you realize how true it is.

I don't want to hijack this very important topic, just wanted to interject a little humor I was reminded of by Lynch;

Originally Posted By: lynchmob212001
I've been there; that fear, shame, feeling alone, hopelessness, deppressed, your so scared and theres no where to go, its like you've dug yourself a nice deep hole and its hard to get out until you find that special person that throws down that rope to you to help you out...


See, there's this guy in a deep hole. A doctor walks by and he yells out to the doctor to help him. The doctor throws him a couple of pre>
_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#193791 - 12/04/07 05:00 PM Re: [Re: Jarrad]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
....


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 02:04 PM)

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#193792 - 12/04/07 05:03 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: healing_inside]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Uncle Jim, \:\) My daughter got me through, not a chance in hell I could hurt her like that. While we fight alot, we butt heads constantly, but I know it's because of the pain she's already been through. She sure as hell won't get any more pain from me.

Tough sometimes to have to take out my plan B, but she's innocent in all this. I thank god for her, I'm still here \:\)

She'll never know, but she saved my life \:\)

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#193796 - 12/04/07 05:56 PM Re: Depression and Suicide [Re: mogigo]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
This topic is certainly one that has come up in my thoughts lately. Just briefly my story. (Haven't got the guts to put in words everything that happened to me). I was abused by my older brother. Kept this a complete secret from everyone until Sept. of this year. I was acting out and my GF caught on. Now that the secret is out I am very actively getting professional help.

But I do know that I do not want to ever go back to the old Ken where I stop getting help and do not get my csa under control. I have the thought in the back of my head that if that happens I might do something really stupid. I don't want to live any more with those "other feelings".

So for me this is a do or die situation. I am very determined at this stage in recovery. I just hope and pray that my determination and strength continues.

Thanks for listerning

Until then

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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