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#193536 - 12/03/07 04:51 AM New Here, My Story
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
Ok. Here goes nothing...
I was raised by a single mother. She had gotten pregnant during a one-night stand and I've never really known who my father was. My uncle (mom's brother) lived with my mom before I was born, after I was born, and well into my life. My uncle was kind of a loner who didn't have any friends, got a paycheck from the government and barely left the house. Basically. I believe he was and still is a loser.
I always have memories of my uncle sexually abusing me. I have some memories of being really really young, like 5, 6, 7, and other memories that are more vivid from when I was older, like 10+. It's weird, but I really don't know exactly how things started, I just remember the things being done to me and me doing stuff to him. I can remember bits and pices of him trying to penetrate me with objects and not just his penis. I can remember him using a bottle and the handle of a screwdriver. I remember crying all the time (not much different from now) that it was so painful and him whispering in my ear that is was a good kind of pain and I would learn to enjoy it. I never did. I have one memory, i have no idea how old I was, of him stickin a pencil into the hole in my penis. I can remember him slapping me in the testicles or squeezing them when I refused to do something.
I remember a time when my mom walked in the room and he was "down there" doing it to me, and she just turned and walked out of the room. I tried talking to her about it, but she just said that I was making things up and she didn't believe me. That's pissed me off, cause I know she saw it with her own eyes. Why did she deny it? I want to know, why she didn't help me? I was her son and I was just a little kid.
About 2 years ago, I was writing some stuff in my journal in homeroom at school and a teacher pulled it out of my hands and said, "she we share with the class what's so important that it can't wait until after school?" And I was like freaking out! I really peed my pants. I was the joke all through school. She didn't read it to the class, but she read it to herself. The next thing I know I'm sitting in a couselors office and he's asking me if I ever thought about suicide and if I'm depressed? And I didn't even write anything about suicide and he just keeps asking these dumb questions and all I wanna do is punch him in the face. And he's telling me that if I don't start talking then I'm gonna be in trouble. Why should I be in trouble I keep thinking? I haven't done anything wrong. And I don't trust this fuckin asshole anywayz.
So finally, after like a few hours of putting up with an idiot for a counselor, the police showed up. Two detectives took me to church near my house and just waited there with me. AQnd they told me that other police officers were going to speak to my mom about some of the things I wrote in my journal. My uncle got arrested that day and my mom didn't. And I didn't go home either. I stayed at this police woman's house for four days I think, four or five days. And then they let my grandparents come and get me and I been living with them ever since. My uncle went to prison for 4 months that time and 3 months again about a year ago.
I haven't seen my mom in a long time and I don't want to. My grandparents are great and I love it here and they're so supportive and understanding. They got me into therapy like 9-10 months ago cause I was having like bad thoughts and stuff, and was feeling the same things toward little boys that my uncle felt for me. And it makes me sick to my stomach and there's NO WAY I'd ever do anything like that and I'm trying to get help to stop thinking this stuff. I just have a really hard time sometimes but I keep fighting it. I went on ask.com awhile back and typed in "how do i know if i'm a pedofile?" and my grandpa found out what i searched for because of certain parental controls he has on the computers in the house. So basically, that night he told me that he loved me and i was important to him and in the more we would deal with this togather and get some help. (my grandpa always says "we deal with this together." that's like his thing) So the next day I went to see a shrink and he referred me to the psycologist that I see know, and she deals with youth survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
Sometimes she just gives me the textbook answer all the time though and she gave me some options bout goin online cause it was more "anonymous" and maybe i could type things that i normally wouldn't say face to face with somebody. So here I am. I really really want help and I just want my nightmares and my feelings and my perverse thoughts to go away. I wanna stop crying all the time and being scared all the time and I don't want anybody to be angry with me cause I can't control some of the things I think. I just don't and won't act on those things. I don't think I'm a bad person at all. I juts have a hard time processing certain thoughts but I'm working on it and i'd appreciate it if i could get a little support here.
Ok... well I'm sorry if I offended anybody here. please don't hate me for it. I'll try to write gaian later. Thanks


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#193537 - 12/03/07 05:33 AM Re: New Here, My Story [Re: JasonSmalls]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Jason-----------------Your Story pains my heart-----so much---------------------te world is full of assholes----------------youdidnt deserve any of this------------------no one hates you-------------this took a lot of courage-----------for you-to put this here------------be proud of yourself---------------there are a lot of great people here----------------it will get better------------------------have hope--------------my best to you---------------------------steve


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#193548 - 12/03/07 07:14 AM Re: New Here, My Story [Re: sabata]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jason,

Welcome to MaleSurvivor, bro, and I think the first thing you need to know is that it took a whole LOT of courage to write down what you told us here. I'm glad you put it here, rather than in survivor stories, because I think you also need to hear some responses.

None of this was your fault, Jason...NONE of it! Not the things your uncle did, not your mother's lousy attitude, not the terrible reactions you got from the teacher and school counselor...NONE of it! I know you say you already know this: as you put it, "I don't think I'm a bad person at all." Good for you! But hold tight to that knowledge; it really is the truth.

I'm especially glad you have come here because clearly you need to talk and you need support and understanding from other guys who know what you have gone through and how may feel right now. Whatever you need to say, or whatever you need to ask about, no matter how terrible it may seem, just let it out and ask. That's the only way to find out, and I can tell you right now that there's NO topic you might wonder about that we haven't heard here before.

Much love,
Larry




Edited by roadrunner (12/03/07 09:40 AM)
_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#193555 - 12/03/07 09:12 AM Re: New Here, My Story [Re: roadrunner]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Jason,
Welcome. you're in the right place here. You are really, really brave. You should be really proud of how you are doing with all this. It is always scary to write this first post. There are lots of guys here who will be glad to help you and talk anytime you need to. Talk especially to the guys who are moderators. They have been around a long time and know lots to help you.
As Larry said, none of it is your fault and even your feelings aren't your fault. It's what your uncle did to you. No one here is going to hate you or be angry with what you post.
take care
Paul


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#193574 - 12/03/07 11:20 AM Re: New Here, My Story [Re: JasonSmalls]
thesun3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/06/07
Posts: 49
Hello Jason. Welcome to this site. I'm sorry for your pain and the thoughts that torment you. You have come to the right place and seems like you're taking care of yourself too. We are here for you.

_________________________
In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
Camus

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#193583 - 12/03/07 12:22 PM Re: New Here, My Story [Re: thesun3]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Hello Jason,

Glad to see you posting on the forums. You'll find a very large group of careing and non-judgemently men here to offer you help in any topic you need. I also agree with everyone else in saying you have shown great courage in posting. Keep up the good fight young man. It does get better and easier as you move deeper into your recovery.

James
AKA: JokersLoose

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#193584 - 12/03/07 01:05 PM Re: New Here, My Story [Re: James_dup1]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Jason, welcome to MS. No need to even try to get through it on your own, you don't have to.

Welcome
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#193587 - 12/03/07 01:21 PM Re: New Here, My Story [Re: mogigo]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jason,

Sometimes, out of the blue, someone just totally nails it. This is one of those moments:

Originally Posted By: mogigo
No need to even try to get through it on your own, you don't have to.


Right there it is, in a nutshell. \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#193601 - 12/03/07 02:43 PM Re: New Here, My Story [Re: roadrunner]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Jason,

It is very good to have you at MS.

You story is really heartaching, and I am so sorry you had come through all those tortures.

I am, however, very glad to know your grandparents are supportive and nice people. I hope you will be with them until you will heal greatly your wounds and will be able to continue your adult life.

Therapy is a good help, and you will recover faster with the help of a T.

Welcome, and feel free to share as much as you can.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#230901 - 06/14/08 09:18 AM Re: New Here, My Story [Re: alexey]
charles law Offline


Registered: 06/04/08
Posts: 28
Loc: perth australia
Thank you so much for sharing your story my heart feels for you I am sorry that you had to go through such an ordeal and such cruelty and deprivation. I am so glad you are finding so much love with your grand parents and they have been an integral part of your healing. My prayer is that you will be able to achieve all that your future holds for you and that the universe will conspire for you to acheive that and never allowing that past to rob that from you anymore than it had.

thankyou for your story glad to have spoken to you and you are an amazing young man dont let those things hold you back you have to much to live for.
Charles Australia


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