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#193031 - 11/28/07 06:26 PM Am I just way off base myself?Help!
Therese Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/23/07
Posts: 24
My husband (married 30 yrs!) says he's fine. He says he's made peace with the fact of being sexually abused by his father for several years as a young child. He doesn't need therapy. He just keeps everything shut away and he doesn't think about it.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, there are strong homoerotic themes running throughout his life. Sex with other men in college, magazines of "boy pinups," when he was much younger, and recently I found he's been visiting gay porn sites on the net. He says this doesn't mean anything, that he's not attracted to men and that he's been totally faithul and wants to continue to be so.

Well after I found out about the gay porn (before he told me about the CSA) I was totally a nutcase. I felt hurt, angry, confused etc. I'm in therapy, he's not. He's going along as though everything is just fine but I'm not fine. I don't know if this is all about the abuse or not. I'm not sure if it makes any difference.

Am I crazy? Is everything really OK with him and I'm just making myself unhappy? I'm just so terribly hurt and in shock. I don't feel like myself. I don't know if I can live like this, but I don't want to leave him. We've always been such good friends. He's a great father. We have two nearly grown kids and it would tear them up. Ithink I love him (I don't know what I think right now) but I do know I care terribly about him andon't want to leave. I don't know what I want. maybe I'm the person acting out, not him. Should I just say everythings OK and leave it at that? He seems to be OK. When we talk about this it makes him very upset and shuts himself down for a day or two. He says it takes him that long to get over it. So I don't want to keep bringing this up, it seems abusive and hurtful to do to him. I feel like I am adrift. I don't know how to be or what I am. Idon't know what our relationship should be. Am I making any sense?

Is it just me making things bad when they could be OK if I could just accept everything as it is? I'm just so tired and sad.


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#193032 - 11/28/07 07:04 PM Re: Am I just way off base myself?Help! [Re: Therese]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Therese:
I can only tell you about what I did and am going through as a susrvivor of Sexual abuse. First my thoughts and prayers are with you. This is and has to be very hard on you. I certainly can sense that in your post. And you do have legitimate concerns. I was abused some 50 years ago by my older brother. And for almost that amount of time I kept it a secret from everyone. Just 2 months ago I broke my silence to my GF. She noticed I was visiting porn sites and also saw an email from a guy that I did meet up with not long ago. I was in total denial until recently that my problem was something that not only effected me, but also my GF.

I think your husband is really having a hard time and I feel so sorry for him also. This is so bloody hard on him also. But I do feel without professional help your husband is just lieing to himself. I went to porn sites because I had to vent somewhere and I was committed to never telling anyone about my abuse. I was and am still very hurt, sad, angry, and feel what happened is my fault. But I am working through all of that now with professional help. I feel your husband is not acting rationally with his thought process regarding visiting gay web sites and thinking it is ok or as one might say, normal. There is more to it than that.

Again, these are my thoughts. I really feel for both of you. You have found a great site here. Most of the people here are a great source for help and support.

I really don't know what you should do. I think it is definitely up to your husband. You need to do what you can to help him to get help, but you also have to think about yourself and your feelings. Bottom line is you also need to be happy.

Wish you all the best.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#193062 - 11/28/07 10:12 PM Re: Am I just way off base myself?Help! [Re: KENKEN]
Therese Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/23/07
Posts: 24
Hello,
In response to your thoughts about helping to get help: Helping someone to get help and respecting their very strong need for control is an extremely difficult tightrope to walk. I don't know if I'm able to keep that balance.
Thanks Ken Ken,
I haven't seen a lot of activity on the board in the last couple of days. I feel that my problems are not very significant compared with some of the others I've read about here. I'm truly hungry for responses and thoughts from everyone. I'm really new to this.

Thanks again. It means so much to me to hear someone's thoughts. I feel very isolated.
Therese


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#193063 - 11/28/07 10:13 PM Re: Am I just way off base myself?Help! [Re: KENKEN]
Therese Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/23/07
Posts: 24
Hello,
In response to your thoughts about helping to get help: Helping someone to get help and respecting their very strong need for control is an extremely difficult tightrope to walk. I don't know if I'm able to keep that balance.
Thanks Ken Ken,
I haven't seen a lot of activity on the board in the last couple of days. I feel that my problems are not very significant compared with some of the others I've read about here. I'm truly hungry for responses and thoughts from everyone. I'm really new to this.

Thanks again. It means so much to me to hear someone's thoughts. I feel very isolated.
Therese


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#193102 - 11/29/07 06:23 AM Re: Am I just way off base myself?Help! [Re: Therese]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Firstly welcome to the F&F forum,


It is absolutely the best thing that you yourself are in T. Thank goodness you have that support for yourself. I can hear your level of anxiety about your husbands sexuality and just wanted to extend a cyber (((((hug))))) and an understanding ear. I too have been with a man who has desires for men and also a sexual identity issue. It is a shock to find out there are parts of our partners we never knew about.


It seems your husband had stated he has no interest in actually physically acting on these other desires and also that he's been totally faithful and intends to continue to be faithful. I would like to suggest that it is possible he is telling the truth. It is entirely possiblt to fantasise about other things/genders, watch all kinds of porn and not actual ever want or intend or plan to act on them. These things can just be other experiences of ourselves, purely for ourselves and nothing to do with actual physical interraction, or an indication of another thing we actually want to go and live out, life style etc......


Having said all that, it is very important to trust your own instincts and your gut feelings about the possible levels of honesty here. And indeed, even if everything you husband says is the total truth, considering the fact that most people full stop could do with little therapy, certainly people who have been sexually abused do. Of that there is not really any doubt. The question is, how does your husband reach that point?


While I do agree with the principle of people needing to make these decisions on their own, I also think that sometimes they need a little nudge.....and sometimes a great big one. I'm not sure how much of my own life would've drifted by without me deciding to seek some support for myself. My own mother pushed me in that direction(and yes and have felt resentment about it at times), and I had to totally lose it and threaten the end of my relationship with my bf to push him in that direction. Both myself and him have agreed that seriously, thank God we got in therapy.


I understand your feeling of iscolation. I had that too. In time it becomes possible to meet friends and reach out to people you know you can trust with these complicated issues and I hope that will give you some hope that you won't continue to feel this alone. it can be surprising also how moany others have strange and difficult tales to tell about their own lives/relationships.


Your problems are every bit as significant as anyone elses here. It sounds to me as if you are trying very hard to maintain the equalibrium within your relationship and being very careful with your husband's feelings and all of that shows what a reasonable and caring and compassionate woman you are. I agree, the tightrope is actually pretty much impossible to walk if your base feelings are telling you that your husband surely must need some support and guidance and your insincts are putting you on edge.


Stay strong.
Do something just for yourself each day, no matter how small.


peace
Beccy


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#193522 - 12/02/07 11:14 PM Re: Am I just way off base myself?Help! [Re: beccy]
Amanda_D Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/07
Posts: 62
Loc: Great Lakes State Michigan is ...
I wanted to first say my husband said the same thing for the first 5 years of our marriage...he had told me about his abuse when we first were together but refused to talk anymore about it. He to said he had it figured out.

Well you want to believe them but......The society we live in today does not pose men as victims. Men think they can handal it..."like a man" truth is they don't realize it is the very thing that is eating them up.

It's like they are in their own world, and they don't want you in it. I can tell you they are scared, they don't want to trust anyone with those deep memories! For a big reason they do not want to open that door to anyone. It is a huge can of worms. And they don't want to deal with those emotions or feelings. Acually they do not know how to deal with them. This is why a theripist is so important. My husband just started seeing a theripist 3 months ago. And we have been married almost 8 years.

His abuse led to pornagraphy stip clubs and relations. I really think that these things came from his abuse. I have learned that when a child is abused they are programed in a way that is different from our society.....to say it more simple.....It was taught to the child......it is a part of him. My husband told me it was his way of dealing with stress in his life.

As for your husband he has to be ready to deal with this, he can't be pushed....yes you will be his greater support...but my husband did not go to the theripist until he knew he was about to loose me. This must be so hard for you! My best advice for you is to get inside his head by learning all you can about CSA!

I can go on and on.......I am very tired as well......it seems my days are consumed with this.

I just found out I am codependent,,,,and am working on setting healthy boundries, please make sure you take care of yourself...this is so important. Your feelings/your emotions/you can only do so much/don't give up on him/but set your boundries for your own health/and mind.

Your in my prayers/you are not alone....

Please feel free to pm me anytime, or we can chat in the chatroom sometime. I find that helps me so much.

Much Love, Amanda








Edited by Amanda_D (12/02/07 11:22 PM)
_________________________
"Just Breath" Your here and that makes all the difference!.....(wife of a surviver, trying to survive as well!) Here to get some answers and support...Here to do what I can to be a hearing ear.....Thankyou to all of you, ahead of time!

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