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#19342 - 01/30/04 08:44 PM Shame
lee75 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/04
Posts: 37
Loc: utah
Of all the feelings i have i'd say shame is the most prevailant. im trying to figure out why im ashamed of everything. the way i stand, the amount of money i make, what i choose to do, my looks, hell the list could go on forever.

does anyone have any ideas about conquering shame?
im sick and tired of it.
thanks
lee

_________________________
Lord, i hope this day is good. im feeling empty and misunderstood. i should be thankful, lord, i know i should, but lord, i hope this day is good. DON WILLIAMS

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#19343 - 01/30/04 08:57 PM Re: Shame
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
lee,
what worked for me is focusing on one thing i am good at that i know i am good at and everyone else does as well. within each of us there is one thing we do better than anyone else. i know i am quite capable with empathy-though not at deanna troi's level (yes, a nod to a fellow geek \:D ), and because of my own experience i am also adept at insight. when i know i have helped another that way my shame is somewhat less. find one thing you do well and focus on that for a time.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#19344 - 01/30/04 08:58 PM Re: Shame
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Lee: Shame is a result of SA. We are ashamed because we think it was our fault. Maybe our bodies betrayed us and they told us they were only giving us what we wanted.

But you know what it was never our fault or our shame. It was theirs but they did a great job of laying it on us and we believed it.

Lee I started to get angry, not at myself, at them. And I realized it was not my shame at all. Everything I did till then made me ashamed of everything involving me. It is not easy but we all can do it.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#19345 - 01/30/04 10:33 PM Re: Shame
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Lee,

As Mikey says, the shame is not ours it is theirs and they did a good job laying it on us.

I got over mine by seeing, really seeing, what happened. That what was done to me was just that, done to me. Nothing I am guilty of, nothing that I should be ashamed of.

The day I realized that, was such a wonderful day. I stood a lot taller, I could breath easier, and the weight was lifted.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#19346 - 01/30/04 10:35 PM Re: Shame
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Mikey,

\:\) Your never too old to be Mikey. \:\)

TTFN,
Billy \:D

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#19347 - 01/31/04 10:23 AM Re: Shame
survive75 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 304
Loc: Massachusetts
Lee... I'm still struggling with shame myself.

As far as breaking through it, being here has helped a lot.

I wish I had more answers for you. It's an intense emotion/feeling about yourself. It didn't develop overnight, and it won't go away that quickly either. But they tell me it will go away. I'm trying to believe them. \:\)


-Sean

_________________________
-Sean

"Even though I know/I donít want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"

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#19348 - 01/31/04 10:50 AM Re: Shame
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Lee,

Shame, as the brothers have said here, is a fact of the abuse we suffered. Believe me, it comes from a variety of sources. That we feel what was done to us was wrong, we feel our part in it was wrong (a lie the abusers are VERRRRRY good at making us believe!), we feel that we desrved it, enjoyed it, everything.

I still struggle with this (not so much by what was done to me as a child, but by what happened to me as an adult when I was subconciously "acting out"), so I don't know what else to say, but keep on telling yourself it wasn't your fault. Because IT WASN'T. It's NOT your shame to bear, it's your ABUSER'S. Not yours, NEVER WAS IT YOURS!

Someday, you'll believe it. You'll take it to heart, and it will relieve you of the pain you still feel. Until then, just knowing can be enough.

I hope you at least know it.

I look forward to hearing more from you. I'll bet you have a lot to offer. Now, with people I just meet here, I say something that might make you feel uncomfortable, but I mean it in the purest sense of the word: I love you, brother Lee, no strings attached.

Peace, my friend.

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#19349 - 01/31/04 09:14 PM Re: Shame
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Lee... from someone that's been there and in many respects still is. Bought the T-shirt, wore it out, couldn't find another one, made one, it wasn't the same, had one made, it didn't match the original. Thought sod it and got a completely different one.

First T-shirt had - "It's all my fault" on the front.

New T-shirt has "It wasn't my fault at all when I think about it - it was that ****ing perv"

Get yourself a copy of my new t-shirt made, get the best haircut you can afford, stand up straight and go out there and show them that "Lee is a good bloke that deserves some respect".

How much money you make? I ditched my education around 12...still got pass grades, but should have achieved 'A' grades. I kick started my education (night school I think you call it) at the age of 30... added new qualifications to CV & they helped me to progress to better positions with better pay. *Qualifications don't always mean better pay, but the confidence that you gain from achieving them gives you additional qualities that can help you achieve.

The shame is not yours!

Go for it....Rik

*Money beyond what you require does not necessarily = greater happiness.

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#19350 - 02/02/04 04:18 PM Re: Shame
lee75 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/04
Posts: 37
Loc: utah
Everyone,
Thanks tons.
your insight has given me some hope that i can break the shame cycle.
i know it wasnt my fault but i have yet to believe it. Im trying to.
thanks everyone who answers my questions and makes me feel welcome.
lee

_________________________
Lord, i hope this day is good. im feeling empty and misunderstood. i should be thankful, lord, i know i should, but lord, i hope this day is good. DON WILLIAMS

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#19351 - 02/03/04 12:54 AM Re: Shame
Thomas Offline
Member

Registered: 07/31/03
Posts: 109
Loc: boise
Lee,

I'd like to say that I have the answers, or even one, please, just one, but I don't. Guess that's why I come here. \:\) Shame for me is part of a triumvirate: shame, fear, and guilt. Seems like those three emotions have dominated my life. Like one of the guys said, coming here helps, because I can hear others validate that IT WASN'T MY FAULT. That's really important. Then, too, posting here puts my feelings down in black and white and gives them some objectivity so that I can examine them.

With all that said, I still have the shame, and the only way it is going to go away is if I keep on learning to accept myself as OK. That's my $0.02.

Tom

_________________________
To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive. - Robert Louis Stevenson

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