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#193108 - 11/29/07 07:13 AM Take a deep breath.....
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Ok, I am expecting gasps of horror and "are you insane?" from everyone, but here goes....


I took my bf back.
I am not sure yet if this will work. At first I had total conviction, but it has already wavered....


My bf was very dissapointed with his escapades with men. He had expected to find a thrill or buzz like his fantasies dictated, but reality did not impress. He tells me he has no interest in going with a man again. This is along with the fact he seems surprised that his fantasies and desires remain nevertheless. He naively expected them to either dissapear, or for him to find out that was indeed what he wanted. He is therefore full of contradiction, saying he expected to get an answer, but has not found one. Except for the fact he doesn't want any more sex with men and he knows he loves me??? That seems to be an answer to me, but yet he seems not to view it that way.


We have talked about the fact I now disbelieve what value he places on the sex we've had, and if he actually enjoyed it, or was satisfied with it. he understands there will need to be much reassurance in that direction. he tells me our sex has been great. He experiences that buzz and thrill and 'peek' arousal with me.


To get to this point, I had to be really angry. I shouted at him, where the fuck was he?? What denial was he in? There was a bit more to it than just that, but I was very angry. He broke down. I hugged him as a friend. Eventually after about 3/4 hr of him crying and raging(clenched fists, red face), he said he was so so sorry. He told me he loved me. He said he was a fucking mess and got really confused. I could tell he meant those things when he said them, which was the only reason i took him back. I made it perfectly clear how much now needs fixing.



I do believe he had to go out and see what it all meant for him. The main issue for me now is the lying and the way he treated me both before and during......


My T pointed out last night that we might need to continue to do a bit more of this to-ing and fro-ing while we sort things out. She also used his words, saying, well 'nothing's final' is it? Meaning, if things are not acceptable still for me, I don't have to settle for it. That was very strengthening for me.


I think he could be the man I think he is, but I'm not sure he is right now. It may be that we have to live as friends until he is ready to show me how special I supposedly am to him.


He said to me that he intends to push ahead with sorting himself out, saying he didn;t want to continue to be in therapy for years and years.....


Do you think a person has to remember their abuse in order to mover forwards? He still does not remember his. I have been feeling more and more strongly that he needs to remember and disclose in order to truly move forwards, but a long time ago, his therapist told him it is not necessary to remember in order to heal.....


Well, I just want to say that the reason I posted this is to offer my story as an example of the bumpy road that a life with these comlicated issues of healing from abuse can be, and also that this doesn't mean there is no hope......hope to others, both partners and survivors alike.


I will keep updating here
peace
Beccy


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#193146 - 11/29/07 12:05 PM Re: Take a deep breath..... [Re: beccy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Beccy,

I don't see what you are doing as insanity at all; to me it looks a lot more like deep love and compassion. Only you can say when you are past the point of no return and when enough is enough. Only you can assess your feelings, since you are the one who has to live with their consequences.

I wish you both every success and I hope this reconciliation works out. Do keep us informed about how things are going.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#193196 - 11/29/07 08:15 PM Re: Take a deep breath..... [Re: roadrunner]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Beccy,

Hey, I completely understand. It is absolutely believable that you would feel and act convinced--and then change your mind.
You've had some different interactions, a way different kind of response from your BF, so this is not unreasonable or strange.

I agree that it's not necessary to recall every memory consciously. Recovery is so much about changing reactive behaviors; it might be reassuring somehow to feel as though one's cleared the air somehow but I don't think it's the only way.

This is perhaps obnoxious of me to point out at this moment, but it's something that's hard for me to acknowledge as a consideration too: any non-monogamous behavior can put both partners at risk of STDs. Good luck with the reconciliation, but do be prudent, both of you.

No matter what, you still seem much more centered and sure about what is important to you and what your limits are. That's also very cool.

Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#193215 - 11/30/07 06:45 AM Re: Take a deep breath..... [Re: honey girl]
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
Beccy,

I'd take my ex back in a heartbeat if I had the chance

xx

_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

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#193228 - 11/30/07 10:23 AM Re: Take a deep breath..... [Re: soapy bubbles]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Just please be careful Beccy and remember that you and your children come first. It is your b/f's responsibility to join your world, not the other way around. You have offered him a place in that world, it's up to him to step in.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#193264 - 11/30/07 09:48 PM Re: Take a deep breath..... [Re: Trish4850]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: Trish4850
Just please be careful Beccy and remember that you and your children come first. It is your b/f's responsibility to join your world, not the other way around. You have offered him a place in that world, it's up to him to step in.

ROCK ON..........Trish



great words trish! i totally concur.

indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#193340 - 12/01/07 01:58 PM Re: Take a deep breath..... [Re: indygal]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Firstly, thankyou yet again for all your very supportive replies.


So, my update.....well, it seems the conviction I began with has fizzled away. My bf is in a certain place in his recovery(as far as I know, which is hardly anything), and even that seems hazy and unclear. I feel in a constant state of confusion when we try to talk about issues of intimacy and on the back end of what's just happened, it appears to be more than I can take right now........Something just doesn't feel right to me and I am tired of running round in cirlces being caught in the middle and used as the reason for things. I believe I am a distraction from the main causes. So I am removing myself from that picture. I have said we can be friends for now. I will sleep in the spare bed, since that is the best thing for ME right now.


I know I have anger about what happened and perhaps that's what this is about too, but I am having problems with trust. Even despite the fact he's told me he loves me in a believable way and has seemed genuinely happy to be here. It's just that, he's not even kissed me like he wants to since he's been back and I can't take it. I do understand that it might totally genuinly be related to his recovery from my own recovery, but still I can't seem to handle it. I suppose that makes me feel guilty......


Anyhow, I must be seperate from him for now, since otherwise i will continue to feel fucked in the head by things and the insanity and confusion of that and the resulting horrible conversations and vibes are just counterproductive to what i actually want......


oh well, no idea really if this is the right thing to do, but at least I'm being honest about how I feel.


peace
Beccy


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#193370 - 12/01/07 06:04 PM Re: Take a deep breath..... [Re: beccy]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Beccy,
You know what I am able to realize when I'm in a calm place? That there's not necessarily any rush to make a decision or to be "sure" or "settled". As long as there's no immediate danger or threat, of course.
I am absolutely the queen of impatience, so I think I understand wanting things to be DONE one way or another.
Sometimes the hardest task is simply to be where we are.
Give yourself some time & space to figure out what's important. Pay attention to your own needs, and your children's, first. It really doesn't all have to be finished one way or another today.
The calmer and more peaceful your own rhythm of life is, the more comfortable you will feel with whatever happens in your relationship.
You're doing fine.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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