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#193308 - 12/01/07 08:35 AM New Here
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
This is my first post. I'm really here because I really really want to know people who have gone through similar experiences. I'm 17 and in high school. I was molested/raped by my mother's brother who lived with us. My mom is a single parent. Ever since i can remember, my uncle mike was touchin me or doin something sexual to me. I have memories of being like 5-6 and him makin me perform oral sex on me and sometimes penetrating me. I remember one time when my mom walked in on us and saw him "down there." She just turned and left. When I tried talking to her bout it later, she said she didn't see anything and whatever happend musta been my imagination. i think i was like 9 or 10.
I live with my grandparents now and have been in therapy for almost a year. I know it helps but i'm tired of hearing like the textbook answer to all my problems and my feelings. My therapist says its normal, but i dunno, cause i have sometimes the same feelings for boys that my uncle had for me. it's call the circle of abuse. i have NEVER touched a kid and I would NEVER, but the thoughts are still there and i hate myself for it. most days i wish i would just get hit by a truck and die or something because i hate living like this and i know some people will read this and hate me too. it just gets so hard sometimes and i dont know what to do. i hate that sometimes my mind has these thoughts and i think to myself that its sick and i could never put someone through the shit i've dealt with in my life.
i just dunno. writing this is like a big step for me because i dont really trust anyone. i told my boyfriend about what happend to me growing up and about the thoughts and feelings that i have and surprisingly he's been real supportive and i'm thankful for that. i write alot about how i'm feeling and what i'm feeling and it makes me feel better. it's like i got it off my chest for today. ok, well i probly pissed off alotta people here by writing this and i'm sorry if i did.


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#193310 - 12/01/07 09:06 AM Re: New Here [Re: JasonSmalls]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Jason,

Welcome tp MS.

It is good to see you here.

Dont worry about what people will think about you. It is absolutely safe in here. You were abused, raped, and it was horrible.

Survivors have ntruding thoughts about not safe sex etc, but hese are just what abusers put in mind, and your psych is just trying to process what happened years back.

Take care and feel free to contact mods, including me.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#193321 - 12/01/07 10:48 AM Re: New Here [Re: JasonSmalls]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Welcome Jason, glad you made it through your first post.

I take it you have been reading through others posts to get an idea of what others have been through. If not please do so it should help.

Don't worry too much about those thoughts you describe, it's typical of an abuse survivor, most of us have had them. What's important is that you are aware of them and that you know it's wrong.

I'm Craig and it's nice to meet you.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#193336 - 12/01/07 01:09 PM Re: New Here [Re: alexey]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Jason, welcome.

It's not just what we think that makes us who we are, it's what we do. Almost everybody, gay and str8, has had fantasies about things that they would NEVER do in real life. They don't act on those impulse thoughts, and there's nothing wrong or evil about that. Since you were exposed to sex at a very early age, it is not surprising that your thoughts sometimes include young boys. Have you considered the possibility that these thoughts are more like memories than fantasies?

Despite the unconscionable things that you've been through, you have an awful lot going for you; you are intelligent and aware that what happened to you changed you forever, and are already getting help dealing with that at a very young age. You are obviously social (and not hiding under a rock licking your wounds in silent pain) since you already have a boyfriend who is compassionate and understanding. And you are brave enough to come here and face your feelings in front of strangers. I'd say that you have an excellent chance of seeing your abuse in proper context, and if not totally putting it behind you, then at least putting it 'in it's own little box, under lock and key.' You'll always know it's there, and you can take it out and look at it whenever that might be necessary, but it won't affect your day-to-day life and your persuit of happiness. I wish you the best of luck in that.

It's understandable that you have trust issues (most of us do, or did) since not only did your uncle betray you by molesting you, but your mother betrayed you by turning a blind eye to it. That betrayal must be hard to deal with. I can understand you being angry with them, but why are you so hard on yourself? You didn't do anything wrong. You are not a bad person because of what was done to you.

lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#193377 - 12/01/07 07:20 PM Re: New Here [Re: Lazarus]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Jason:

Welcome to MS also. I am so proud of you for posting this. It took me many many more years to even tell anyone about my csa. I am so glad for you that you could put your post into words. MS is a great place to talk to great friends. We ae here to listen and help you in any way we can.

Until then

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#193423 - 12/02/07 08:27 AM Re: New Here [Re: KENKEN]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Hi Jason-------------So Sorry For Your Hurt--------------I Struggled With Those Thoughts-------------I hatteded Myself-----------------I To Wanted to be Hit With A Truck-------------Or Something To get It Over With---------------Yet I Am Still here-------------------Crap----------------My Brother Was Dooing me As A Small Boy-Our Dad Caught Him and Me-------------------I got Yelled At-----------------It Was All my Fault--------------It Was Swept UInder The Rug-------------------Forgotten About-------------------For Them----------------I Still Live With It---------------------------------I dont See Why You Think You Pissed Off People -Writing Your Story--------------------This Is Real For You---------------And Getting it Out is Very Important---------------------------Helping You Heal--------------------I hope You Find What You Need--------------You Are Not By Yourself-------------------------It Hurts Like hell------------------They Say It Gets Better----------------------Please Be Kind To Yourself---------------------------Steve


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#193431 - 12/02/07 09:41 AM Re: New Here [Re: JasonSmalls]
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
I wanna say thanks to everyone for their support. Sometimes, well most of the time really, i feel like an outcast. I feel like i have this secret and i can't tell anybody cause i don't know what they'll think of me and i don't like people thinking i'm a horrible person cause i don't think i am. I just have these thoughts sometimes and they get so bad and i dont wanna deal with them and i don't wanna think them but i just can't get them outta my head.
this probly sounds dumb, but sometimes i think like who i woulda been if this didn't happen to me, and like i probly wouldn't have these thoughts and feelings either, and i wouldn't be scared all the time.
But anyway i just wanna thank everybody for making me feel comfortable cause i don't think its easy talking bout this stuff.


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#193435 - 12/02/07 10:07 AM Re: New Here [Re: JasonSmalls]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
well jason----you arent the only one-----------------with the outcast feelings--------------and carrying around the secret-and by no means is this dumb--------------i think a lot of people here think the same thing-----------what i would have been like-if this did not happen---------------i know i do--------------thier is hope------------------and with dealing with this shit and healing-----------------things will get better------------------hang in there-------------------------steve


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#193473 - 12/02/07 02:37 PM Re: New Here [Re: sabata]
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Jason - I'd like to underscore what Lazarus said about the difference between our thoughts and what we do. That difference is very important! We are not in control of what thoughts appear on our minds "screen" BUT we do have control of our choices and what we do with those thoughts. Don't beat yourself up for thoughts but it sounds like you don't let your thoughts make your choices for what you do!Keep talking!!

We can think about punching someone - no trouble.

We can feel like punching someone - no trouble.

We punch somene ----- trouble!!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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