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#193300 - 12/01/07 07:33 AM Does this qualify as being molested? (trigger?)
OneLifeOnly Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 12
Well, I'll quickly get to the story of it all. Whenever I was 6 years old my father dated a woman who had a boy the age of 7. We always had fun going about our childhood activities. But a night in bed, he told me to put my mouth on his genitals then I could go to sleep. And I wasn't very fond of it, but I did it. So then, 10 years after it hit me, cause the boy I seen back in town. And that one occasion seeing him brought it back.

I am now 18, and it still plagues me to this day and strains my mind trying to wonder why it happened? Was it his plan to manipulate me or what? I played the game of 'doctor' you know, exposing yourself and touching with other friends at times, but that never caused me issues. I'm hoping you guys could give me insight on how to respond to this situation. The kid was, well a kid of 7 years old. But I just always ponder what the purpose of it all was and why it happened. Is this situation definitely different than if perhaps he was 12-13, or even an adult?

I spoke with a therapist about it, and I could notice her inexperience with it all. Not really helping me or anything. And driving 40 miles to see her and pay 40 dollars for 30 minutes isn't my cup of tea. Whenever she tells me to just do all the talking, like, I came for you to help me break it all down, but it's asinine when I just speak to myself and she nods her head.

thanks



Edited by OneLifeOnly (12/01/07 07:38 AM)

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#193301 - 12/01/07 07:46 AM Re: Does this qualify as being molested? (trigger?) [Re: OneLifeOnly]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6607
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Just my opinion here. It may not qualify as a typical definition of "being molested." I think it clearly is identifiable as "sexual abuse," in that it was an un-wanted, coerced encounter. Basically, if the incedent bothers you, it was wrong.

Something happened to/with that older boy before then...because 7 year olds just dont think of oral sex out of the blue like that.

I have no input about your therapist, they all work in their own ways.

I'm glad you found this site, sorry you need to be here.

Welcome.

_________________________
Hell needs firewood too ya know!

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#193323 - 12/01/07 11:49 AM Re: Does this qualify as being molested? (trigger? [Re: Still]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Welcome to Male Survivor, my friend, and I hope you will benefit from everything that's going on here. There are plenty of guys your age around here, in case that's important to you.

On your question, I see two sides to the problem. On "was it abuse", I think the primary considerations would be that he did not coerce or manipulate you, and that you were 6 and he was only a year older. There's no way he could have understood that what he wanted you to do was inappropriate, and in fact, as Rob asks, where's a 7-year-old getting such an idea anyway? Probably from what's happening to him.

That kind of case is called "abuse-reactive". That is, he was probably abused himself, and now he's trying to show you the things that happened. As I said, he couldn't have appreciated that passing on the "secret" to you would be wrong and harmful to you. No therapist or authority in the country would blame such a child; their emphasis would instead be on getting him into therapy to help him cope with whatever it was that happened to him.

But that's only one side of the situation, as I said. The other is how you feel about it, and what happened doesn't have to be abuse in a technical legal sense in order for you to have powerful feelings about it and need help dealing with it. I hope you will continue to talk about things here and ask whatever questions you have. It does help to talk.

On your therapist, it sounds like she might be inexperienced with male sexual abuse problems. Next time you see her perhaps you could ask what experience she has and how many cases she has handled. It's your nickel, after all, so why not make sure you are paying for the real thing?

On the other hand, most therapists will take some time to get to know the client and put him at ease before getting into the details of what happened. After all, you have to trust the T and feel safe with her before you can really begin to talk to her.

Have a look here for a good article here on the site on choosing a therapist.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#193347 - 12/01/07 02:39 PM Re: Does this qualify as being molested? (trigger? [Re: roadrunner]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
I think this is one of those places where the labels are useless, and I'm beginning to see them more and more often.

The most important thing, to me, is your response to the act rather than the act itself. Our responses often get us in more trouble than what happened, because we ask very common, but inappropriate, questions: what does it mean that he did this, or that I responded this way?

If you think about a seven year old's brain, you'll realize there's a lot of figuring out going on, a lot of how do I say this? and how am I supposed to behave? Most of their talking and acting is learning how to talk and act more than it is fully developed communication. So the seven year old says "put your mouth on my penis..." Adults who heard this would take it immediately as a sign that something had happened to the little kid and would hopefully help him out. But unfortunately, he said his piece to another little kid. The other kid, being equally new to the communication game is confused and doesn't know what to do. It makes him uncomfortable, but he does it anyway, no physical harm done, and really no big deal. If you had been able to tell your mom about it right then, the kid might have gotten some help right away and you could have seen in her eyes that it meant nothing about you.

The big deal is in the aftermath thinking, where something so potentially innocuous becomes desperately meaningful. I believe sometimes our response to the abuse is the abuse.

So my thought on this is that you should let go of the other kid by just letting yourself let go of the desire to understand. I doubt there is anything here to understand beyond one troubled little boy acting out inappropriately. Certainly he can't have meant for anything bad to happen to you, because there's no way he could ever have conceived of the kind of pain that this aftermath thinking can cause.

I hope that helps,

Danny


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#193474 - 12/02/07 02:53 PM Re: Does this qualify as being molested? (trigger? [Re: DannyT]
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
OneLifeOnly - The guys are really very helpful in what they're saying! The most important part of this is how that experience is affecting you. There are several ages when a sexual trauma memory evokes problems needing therapy...17/18/19 year old is one of those ages. If sexually tramatized guys don't address their issues by 17/18/19 [or soon thereafter], they don't address it until 35+ years old after much of their life has suffered prolonged destruction. So very glad you are actively seeking resolution.

Just a suggestion, you may want to write down memories; send it to your therapist so you can address these issues written about at your next session. In any case you may want to voice your feelings

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#193499 - 12/02/07 08:58 PM Re: Does this qualify as being molested? (trigger? [Re: ScottyTodd]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Howard,
You have made some very good points. Although I went to a T for depression we never addressed my abuse nor did I ever talk about it. I'm now 44 and the years between were a mess to say the least.
Onelife,
I wish you well on your journey. This is a good place to start, it has helped me much in my recovery.
peace
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m__m__
|| || || || || || |

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#193509 - 12/02/07 10:24 PM Re: Does this qualify as being molested? (trigger? [Re: GateKPR4]
fixer Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 18
Loc: Central Virginia
Welcome to MS! I have to agree with Roadrunner, that this is an "abuse-reactive" case. But with a qualifier.....

I was abused around age 9 by an older boy (13), and was more or less drawn into it by the appeal of the friendship. I have since lived a life where love, freindship, acceptance, and sexuality are intermingled, to say the least, completely screwed up to be more accurate.

Of all things.....I find my youngest son in the situation you described. He was about 7, and was being "indoctrinated" by another boy around 9, who I later found out was being abused by a couple of teenagers. My rage flared again.....but not at the boy who involved my son, but at the teenagers.

Now for the qualifier.....and where I have had trouble, and hopefully my son will be able to cope, since we dealt with the situation right away.

The problem with what occurred between you and the other boy is that your freindship became sexualized. Regardless of the significance to either of you at the time of this behavior as a sexual act, when you later realize the sexuality of the actions and it becomes associated with the friendship you had with the other boy, it can lead to difficulty in forming healthy interpersonal relationships.

Please take this with a grain of salt (or more), since I'm not a therapist, only a victim...trying to become a survivor. I held my secret for 35 years, and can testify to the effects of that.


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#193744 - 12/04/07 11:01 AM Re: Does this qualify as being molested? (trigger? [Re: fixer]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: fixer
...and hopefully my son will be able to cope, since we dealt with the situation right away.


What did you do to deal with the situation?

Did you tell your son anything?

Sorry but I'm very interested in knowing how you dealt with it and how your son reacted to you knowing about it.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#193770 - 12/04/07 02:58 PM Re: Does this qualify as being molested? (trigger? [Re: cbfull]
fixer Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 18
Loc: Central Virginia
I don't want to hijack the thread, so I'll give the short version. I'm new here, so in a few days, when I can put my thoughts in order, I'll tell my whole story, including this.

Short version: He came to us, and told us, so he already had a sense that what was going on was wrong. My wife and I did the best we could to reassure him that he did nothing wrong, and that it was not his fault. The whole time, I'm reliving my own abuse, so I was really freaked, and couldn't even process it. Hopefully, being young, strong, and intelligent, and getting it off his chest early, and our reassurance that he need not bear the shame of this will allow him to put it away and live on. I have noticed some of the same behaviors I have, though, so I am concerned. Luckily the other kid moved away, so there are no walking reminders nearby.

Apologies to OneLifeOnly, and I'll stick to topic now.


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#193781 - 12/04/07 04:06 PM Re: Does this qualify as being molested? (trigger? [Re: fixer]
scotia1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/27/07
Posts: 81
Hi Lonelife;

Id like to add to what some others have said. Yes this experience in your life has obviously effected you. You ask the questions Was it his plan to manipulate me or what?. In my opinion, I personally I dont think it was, simply because he was only 7 years old. When I hear of similar incidents (and there are many) I always think about both children. You and this 7 year old were both very young children and neither could really comprehend what was truly happening. In a way you both were being sexually abused! My guess is that this young boy was being exposed to unacceptable sexual behavior of some sort by an older person (probably an adult), and then was role-playing what he learned from that adult onto you. If we have to place blame it must be placed upon the adult that molested this child, and also on the caregivers of both children. You however have nothing to be ashamed about. You were a 6 year child and did nothing wrong.

Welcome to the site,

scotia


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