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#192863 - 11/27/07 09:34 PM I am SO pissed off
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
I wish I weren't posting in such an angry frame of mind.

Lately, it seemed we were doing REALLY well.

We made it through that tough time I posted about last month OK, and seemed better in lots of ways. He's been acting more like a real partner and not a guest or a visitor. We have had a lot of work and family pressures as always, but it seemed that we were handling it very well. He has been very encouraging to me in my work, and sometimes even pitches in with clerical duties I can pass on to someone competent. We've come to a good balance with both sets of kids; he and my daughter have become much more independently communicative and cheerful together. We've been talking more seriously about moving to a larger place together--making that commitment--and also more frequently about getting married. We've been discussing the possibility of having his youngest child come live with us, a big step indeed. We had a very, very pleasant Thanksgiving day, with family on both sides at various times, and most of the weekend was very congenial.
Lots of very's here, but it's true. Or so it seemed.

Sunday night, as I was in my usual fretful mood (about not being quite ready to teach Monday morning--new classes, and I'm new at teaching full time), we had a lovely snuggle as usual before settling into sleep. He cited a whole long list of gratifying and peaceful activities and events from the past weekend, which struck me as a reassuring gesture on his part. Or so I thought.
But then again, we couldn't stay steady. Of course not!

Yesterday morning, after dropping me at work, he wouldn't say when he'd be home.
Yesterday afternoon, he sent me an email to say he'd gotten notice that there was a meeting he had to attend about an hour away. He said he might stay over, since the weather was bad.
No call--not a good sign. He does have his phone charger with him.

I was skeptical about this "meeting." He's on line several times a day, so getting last-minute notice just doesn't seem plausible to me. But OK, I was willing to see what happens.
However, I decided to see what else might be going on for the upcoming weekend, and whether he had something else coming up that might explain this sudden absence. Checking the *public* record from his workplace online wound up raising all kinds of flags for me. I am now furious and mistrustful, and I am feeling deeply betrayed. I have to provide some background information to explain why.

During the summer, after his official move into my flat, I discovered some old love letters he had kept. It's true that they weren't in the open, but it's also true that he had given me an OK to have access to his papers as we were unpacking. I checked through this unsealed envelope because he saves correspondence so rarely.

When I confronted him about the old relationship, at first he denied it. It being an old relationship wasn't the issue--he's had many, many liaisons with women around town, I'm aware of that--but it was because he had lied about her connection to him earlier. This woman and my BF have continued to be, ever since I've been with him, professional collaborators in one way or another. (There had been a time in our first year together when she had basically pulled rank on me, emotionally speaking, and he didn't object. I always wondered why, and wasn't really that surprised to find there was something more involved in their past. Since then, too, he has taken pains to keep us apart--another indication to me that there's more there than is comfortable for me.)

But, pretty quickly, he admitted the connection and said that he had ended it long ago, though they still were close. She is still married and from what my BF says her husband has no idea about her affair (and would be devastated if he did.)
I thought at the time we had this conversation that he was telling the truth and that there really wasn't anything to be concerned about now.

What I discovered yesterday is that he and she have yet another professional collaboration in the works--to be presented this weekend--about which I have been completely uninformed.

I knew that the special presentation was coming up, since he's shared some of the work prep with me. But, when I mentioned in passing the other day the possibility of me going to it, he was discouraging, trying to minimize its importance.

You know, it's not the fact that they're working together still that bothers me. Not exactly. I wish they weren't, but I am not at all confident that I would be justified to ask him not to any more. I didn't before, anyway.

It's that he didn't tell me. And that he is trying to get me to stay away, so that his deception isn't discovered. And this sort of move--to prevent me from taking part in what is actually a public event he is hosting--is extremely troubling to me. We've had huge arguments about just this kind of thing in the past.

I don't trust him. Not really. I'd like to. I often give him the benefit of the doubt far more than I think is justified. Given how calm and pleasant things had been for the past month, I thought that was actually a good decision. Now I don't know. Now
I feel lied to. Again.

This is the worst, most chronic sore spot in our relationship: that I don't feel honored, claimed, and publicly acknowledged. I constantly feel like he is hedging his bets. Not with his family, but with his colleagues and his long-time friends in the area. Sort of keeping his options open, or so it seems to me, because we have no social dealings with his associates at all. So when he told me that he had had a discussion with his colleagues the other day about needing some time off to get married this summer--I don't believe him.

Maybe this is just my insecurity. Maybe I shouldn't be so paranoid. I'm a survivor too, and I wind up mistrusting my judgment a lot.

We did go to one joint session with our same therapist last month, and left it open whether we would return. I keep feeling like we can never truly deal with how profoundly I mistrust him, even in our therapy sessions. Maybe that's my fault, not being willing to name it.

And--of course--he's gone again.

I sent him one kind and affectionate reply to his email informing me of his meeting. Then, shortly after, I sent him another (after I'd discovered his dishonesty) saying only that we need to talk. I followed up with an explanation that I'd rather talk in person about what was on my mind, but that I knew he was keeping at least one thing from me and that I then worried that there was more to it than that.

I haven't heard anything. I don't expect to, now, for a while.

This sucks.

I actually don't know if I'm more, or less, irritated now, after having had such a lovely stretch, than if we had been at odds all that time. I just feel like our good times were based on deception. How many times have we F & F posted about that very issue! I hate that feeling.

Sorry to vent. Maybe it did me some good. I have to get back to work now and this helps clear my mind. Thanks for reading such a long post, and for weighing in if you're so inclined.

Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#192869 - 11/27/07 09:52 PM Re: I am SO pissed off [Re: honey girl]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Honey girl,

The one thing I have always been told by my therapists is to listen to your gut. Sometimes we get our heart involved and as a rule....our gut knows what is best for us.

As for your feelings, they are yours and you have a right to own them.

This is a good place to vent....so don't apologize for that....we all need a place to be able to do that as these are very difficult issues we are all dealing with.

Best to you.


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#192885 - 11/27/07 11:55 PM Re: I am SO pissed off [Re: Lou]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
oh honey girl,

thanks for writing this post - i'm in an almost exact same situation and have been mulling over how to put it down in words, sigh, seems you've done it for me.

kinda gets old how much alike they are sometimes, huh?

don't know what else to say except in my situation, i know no sex is involved; and she's recently moved away to get married; still, there's a separation between how he related to her - even as just a friend - and how he relates to me.

and she's actually my friend too, and is one of the kindest people you can ever know. we are very close and she is very supportive of the relationship between me and him.

why does he put this wall there? why do survivors in general build walls in their relationships? who knows?

maybe compartmentalizing is a kind of control issue. maybe it's part of the 'don't get too close, too settled, too relaxed something might happen' self-preservation scheme. maybe they just get too nervous when good things are happening; i know i get a little nervous that way sometime, as in, ok, how long will this last? not to be pessimistic, but hey, good stuff is just as cyclical.

i think your anger is a good thing; use this energy in a positive manner, i can sometimes roll over and make like things will be better tomorrow - which yes, they may be but this will just pop up again and again until it's resolved.

his issues, my dilemma.

hang in there, you are *so* not alone.

indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#192904 - 11/28/07 03:47 AM Re: I am SO pissed off [Re: indygal]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Honeygirl:

First I would like to extend a supportive hug. ((((honeygirl)))
From what you have shared my gut instinct tells me that his actions have more to do with his fear of intimacy. That he is wishing to throw a wrench in the machine in order to get it to freeze up...to control it maybe.
The reasons why a survivor does this are probably numerous...it seems to be a common factor from the many postings here. I'm guessing that the feeling of unworthiness may play a part as well.
The holiday weekend you described sounds really pleasant...maybe the feeling of belonging and the sense of comfort was just too much for him to handle. I think a big step forward is to recognize this wall he put up around him for what it is.
Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#192911 - 11/28/07 05:42 AM Re: I am SO pissed off [Re: sweet-n-sour]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Thanks, Lou, Indy, S-n-S.
I needed that hug!
I think you're right about the fear of intimacy. I do feel it myself sometimes--a this-is-too-good-to-be-true sort of reaction, which then leads to the I'd-better-f-it-up-myself-now-before-something-else-can sort of response. Better to do it myself than have it be done to, just as you have said, I & S.
I don't mind the cyclical nature of things. I do mind the big crashes. It doesn't have to be as far down as it was up, or does it?
Anyway, I did just hear from him. He stayed away because of the news he got at the meeting. It wasn't pleasant, and he was not prepared to process it.
He wanted to ask for permission to come home before he actually showed up. It's unfortunate that he feels he needs to ask. But there it is.
I did ask him about the collaboration. He claims it was an oversight. We're both too tired to deal with it now, but it'll have to be addressed more thoroughly. I am so through with feeling second-class. Or being treated that way (I guess the feeling is something under my control!)
Onward, in any case. Maybe upward. It seems as though it's really getting to be time to deal. This is a good thing.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#192935 - 11/28/07 08:04 AM Re: I am SO pissed off [Re: honey girl]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Honey Girl,

glad to hear he's not running so far so fast, just a sprint maybe?

i was actually typing my other post when bf called - ? and later he called again with some information that was helpful and sweet and he's really busy so it was clear he was trying to make nice, sigh.

i just get so unmotivated and impatient sometimes, I'm happy things are going better (for both of us) but again, like you, it's so frustrating.

onward we must go they'll either catch up or not, huh?

indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#192982 - 11/28/07 12:14 PM Re: I am SO pissed off [Re: indygal]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Hey, Indy--
Yes, perhaps just a sprint.
It's difficult, no matter what, to be in partnership. We run into so many assumptions, and we each have SO much baggage. It's a wonder we ever get anything new accomplished! ;\)
But we seem to be getting through these challenges more quickly, with less damage, and more understanding of the underlying (not only the superficial) prompts. That's all to the good.
Impatience is my middle name, are you kidding??
Calibrating expectations. Being understanding without being a pushover. Looking for that sweet spot between openness and exposure....Ah, when I think I have it right, I suppose that's when they'll be carrying me out (if I'm lucky even to get that close....)
Glad to hear you've got some reason for encouragement too.
Thanks again.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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