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#19286 - 09/10/04 04:08 PM Why? Do we wish our lives away.
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
It's a common thought with me, at 50, I think, I have spent most of my life, hoping to get to the end!

Funny thing is, I enjoy life, I find so much beauty in the World, it is there if we open our eyes to it. There are a whole load of beautiful people, beauty in nature, animals, landscapes, different cultures, music, the mystery of the Universe, and loads of other stuff.

I want to start living again, and I am really trying to make this thing work, I am trying to break I suppose, so many barriers down, and do things so much differently than I have in the past.

I know I have the right, we all do, anyone else have so much trouble this way?

And before you answer, I know you all have.

I went to a family funeral of a cousin last night, and I was talking with my younger brother, we talked about the past, and trying to get to the bottom of why the family is so split. Trying to get him to think about what really did it, but he is in so much denial, even though we did some serious talking.

He took me back to key areas in my life, and I remembered them, but that is the only thing, I can remember, my life is locked away inside, and only talking with one's who knew me, does it come back, and it really hits me hard.

My brother accused me of not loving him, I quickly told him about the 12yrs that he spent in Germany, and the fact that I really did miss him being home, I think that really got to him, but he at least knows that. I never even could understand, why he didn't.

Does anyone else have repressed memories, total blocking of periods of childhood? This really does hurt me, but sometimes I think, that maybe it is not worth knowing, but I know I should.

take care

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#19287 - 09/10/04 04:35 PM Re: Why? Do we wish our lives away.
brokentoys Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 149
Loc: So. California
You know, even a couple of months ago, I would have said "No, of course I have no blank spots, no times I don't remember", and i would have honestly thought that was true! In fact that was even a question on this form I had to fill out for weight management and I said "no". However in the past couple of months I have started talking to my sister and journaling. We sat down and looked at some old pictures she had. I have huge holes I never knew existed! Kinda scary actually!

_________________________
It's easier to go down a hill than up it but the view is much better at the top.

Arnold Bennet

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#19288 - 09/10/04 05:29 PM Re: Why? Do we wish our lives away.
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Yes, it is mostly blank for me. What I remember has big gaps in it.

I'll be 50 on Wednesday and was talking to my therapist just this morning about how it is incredible that I have survived this long given all those countless times that I have wished myself dead (wished the pain dead, really) but how now I find myself more and more being able to look forward to the future with some joy.

As I told her, its largely about those things you mention, the little beautiful things in life, that so charge me up with happier feelings. They don't replace the rest and it, of course, doesn't always work that way. Its not like I'll have memories now to displace the old ones.

But, I will, I think, little by little, be able to see what happened as history, not a present-moment experience which it is still, now, often.

I expect always to be effected by what happened and, from time to time, triggered into an emotional dive but, mostly, I think, it will be different.

As I slowly develop new ways (or just a way) to be in the world, I usually feel clumsy, like I am bumbling my way through.

But I suppose that is kind of like an adolescent, figuring out how to be in the world, seeing its pain and joy in a new light.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#19289 - 09/10/04 06:50 PM Re: Why? Do we wish our lives away.
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Brayton,

You talk of things like clumsy, I am clumsy sometimes, and I can take some stick off workmates for being so, sometimes I apologize, that normally gets them into thinking, maybe, they shouldn't have said that.

I tell them that my life has been spent on one long apology "trip", I annoy them, don't mean to, I make it up, just like a big kid. The thing that really makes me think though is that I never really can let go of my childhood.

I remember clearly, one thing that really "hurt", and it hurt not just me, but my father, that was, he always tried to wrap me in cotton wool, and as a kid I could accept it, I decided to make a break about when I was 14yr old, it really did hurt, me and him.

I didn't want to do it, because I had so much a deep loving relationship with him, he used to massage my chest, and I loved it, there was nothing sexual in it, but I had to let it go, and stand away for a bit, I think he maybe took it bad, because he had done so much to keep me from all the shit, I really can say he was a savior to me.

I missed it so much, but I was becoming an adult, not knowing how an adult should act, or survive, but I had to make the break and say daddy, I am not your little boy, I am beginning to enter the World of adulthood, but the truth is, it really hurt.

To anybody reading this, I am sorry if you had to suffer guardian a***e but you may be able to see the different angle from this, where the little boy thinks, hey dad, don't you think you are a little overprotective? He still was until he died; he protected me and my little brother, who went through the same thing by this perp.

My older brother, and sometimes my sister, but to no real degree, hurt me with remarks, like reminding me that I was a freak, one day my older brother tried so hard to make up after years of torment, I was willing to forgive him, and I always will, because, I can see the hurt in him, it is mainly self inflicted,

Funny thing is though, that even though my mind is a blank over my teenage years, I always remember him fighting my corner that really screwed me up, because I was always fighting in my corner also, the bullying, and the torment of just trying to live in such a forbidden World.

Another thing to think about, is this, even though he was fighting my corner, he was still fighting me, with stupid remarks, so, being already so confused, I could not make sense of it all.

God, we all live through so much, and we survive it, how, only God knows! If I can remember certain things though, it is this. I would have killed for my family, touch my little brother, and you meet hell on Earth, or any of my kin, maybe that's what kept the bullies at bay.

If you don't take the time to think, what others' are going through, then you are lost, I care about anyone in this forum, because I know some of the pain, when it takes your childhood away, for whatever it may have been, there is no going back, or is there, I think maybe there is, just to pick up the pieces, and put them in the order they should be in, or the order, I try to make it.

I have to now pick up the pieces, to now put maybe my life, and that of my brothers and sister, and I really protected her, into perspective, but one thing is certain, and it is the same for all of us, and that is!

We should never have to do it, we have had enough, and we are just trying to live a "normal" life denied to us by SA.

All I am saying in all of this task, is one thing, we survived it, we are still here, I just need to put so much in the past, and the time has come to do it, now or never!

Love yourself, as who you are, it's not easy, but we have fought, it is about time we really can enjoy life, because we've earned it.

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#19290 - 09/12/04 02:35 AM Re: Why? Do we wish our lives away.
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I think it is important that we make goals for ourselves, 'plan ahead' and such things. However, sometime we get caught up so much in thinking 'future' we forget that we are in the present. It is not just the goals we set for ourselves that are worthy of celebration and enjoyment. It is also the work and travels to acheive them. Maybe an athlete has set a goal to win the world series, or superbowl, or some such thing. But it will take long time, years, to get to that point. Are all those years or practice, work, and more minor achievements meaningless? They can maybe be seen as such. But also, can be seen as accomplishments in their own right. It is like to win an Olympic medal. You maybe will not be 'happy' with a bronze medal when you are aiming for gold. But you sure can be satisfied with it! ;\) Because ultimately, it is better then nothing, right?

I think we all need to take the time to focus on what is in our lives, every day, and take time to appreciate it. Too often, it is not understood that we have such beauty until it is gone.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#19291 - 09/12/04 04:30 AM Re: Why? Do we wish our lives away.
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
"my life has been spent on one long apology "trip".

Same here I'm always saying sorry

Archnut


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#19292 - 09/12/04 04:38 PM Re: Why? Do we wish our lives away.
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
This came home to me about two years ago when I ran into someone i went to high school with. He was talking about our 20th reunion, telling me how much fun it was reminiscing, reminding me that I did actually have some fun back then despite all the craziness, and asking why I never go back. I haven't seen anyone I grew up with in 20 years. I made up some bullshit about being busy.

Afterwards I was thinking that I've never wanted to revisit those past years. The painful parts are so painful to remember, I just threw out the baby with the bathwater and ignored them all. It comes across to others as my not liking them. But in reality, I just don't know how to recall the good stuff without getting tripped up by all the bad.


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#19293 - 09/12/04 09:54 PM Re: Why? Do we wish our lives away.
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
When I first came here I would have said that I didn't have any "blocked out" time. I truely thought I knew and remembered all of the abuse. It didn't take long to realize there was months missing. Now that they are coming back, it is no wonder I didn't remember.

For as long as I could remember I just wanted to die. It isn't something that I wanted to do myself, but something that I wanted to happen to me. I've tempted death several times. Each time my desire to live won out. If I were a cat, I'd been out of lives a long time ago. That desire to live has long outweighed the desire to die. Now that latter one has diminished and the former has flourished.

Life is good. Life is worth enjoying. Life is worth seeing.

Take care,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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