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#192875 - 11/27/07 10:22 PM .
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
...


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 01:58 PM)

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#192877 - 11/27/07 11:11 PM Re: confused... [Re: bardo213]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
It seems to me you are insecure about your sexuality. Plenty of men are metrosexual and still certain that they are attracted to women. But, why would you post something to the effect of, "Why do people think I'm gay? It's so unfair!" And then proceed to make insulting moral judgements about gay men. It's both hurtful to many, and does not reflect good on you.

I don't mean to be provoking. This site is a supportive and wonderful place. I, myself, don't know if I want to be with a man, or a woman. But, I cannot be impassive while your words are upsetting a significant segment of sexual abuse survivors.

I lack nothing as a man. I am the son of two lower-middle class parents, one is an alcoholic and one is a frequent psychiatric inpatient. At eight, I was raped by a teacher for two years. Somehow, I lived through ten years of having horrific nightmares each night, possessing no social skills and being lost in a delusional fantasy world. How many "real men" would survive my life? How many "real men" would learn to speak after ten years of almost complete silence?

I think people in this society often write things like you have written about gays and expect no condemnation. Well, I empathize with your history of abuse, obviously, but you have to be careful what you say. Sorry, "Just my opinion."



Edited by Bewlayb1 (11/27/07 11:18 PM)

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#192887 - 11/28/07 12:12 AM Re: [Re: Bewlayb1]
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
...


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 01:58 PM)

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#192892 - 11/28/07 01:17 AM Re: confused... [Re: bardo213]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Hello and welcome to MS.org. It's a great place. I read your post and just don't understand something. You said

Originally Posted By: lynchmob212001
im a flirtacious type person with female or male


Then you go on to say

Originally Posted By: lynchmob212001
and I know shes hitting on me I go for it, but if a man does it im going to drop him like a tone of bricks


Isn't this sending mixed signals? On one had you are willing and openly "flirting" with a man, but if he "hits" on you you "drop him like a ton of bricks". Maybe I'm off beat here, but doesnt flirtying invite the very thing you are droping?

Thanks
James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#192909 - 11/28/07 05:06 AM Re: [Re: James_dup1]
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
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Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 01:58 PM)

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#193011 - 11/28/07 01:56 PM Re: confused... [Re: bardo213]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
lynchmob212001,

I think confusion with sexuality is common for most male survivors.

A survivor might distance himself from manhood and masculinity images just to not be like the abuser. That, of course, does not make one gay or bi, or whatever. It is a psychological problem, as finding a comfortable partner is.

I want to tell you that I'll support you and I understand the people's prejudices. So stay strong, and seek professional help, in case you still had not done it. Reading survivor support books are help as well.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
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When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#193018 - 11/28/07 03:09 PM Re: [Re: alexey]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
...


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 01:57 PM)

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#193019 - 11/28/07 03:12 PM Re: confused... [Re: bardo213]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
Lynch,

Sexual confusion seems to be a common problem for male survivors

I recommend you read the posts under Sexual Identity as this has been discussed extensively and you might find information and other folks who are dealing with the same issues.

In my experience it is a very confusing topic and also can be very sensitive for many folks, so keep that in mind and be patient and sensitive to others feelings.

Best,
~Raul

_________________________
______________________________________________
Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

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#193048 - 11/28/07 08:37 PM Re: [Re: rcm]
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
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Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 01:57 PM)

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#193080 - 11/29/07 12:06 AM Re: confused... [Re: bardo213]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Originally Posted By: lynchmob212001
I've had some problems with my own sexuality. I think I'm straight but people tend to think else wise and I understand that it has to do with the sexual abuse. I guess what I'm getting at is how can people make judgments about your sexuality or even assumptions when they know nothing about you but can stereo type you within 1 minute just by looking at you?

Hi LM, could it be that you give off non-verbal messages that are confusing? Maybe you just need to get a good book on body language, and practice the non-verbal male signals.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#193133 - 11/29/07 10:36 AM Re: confused... [Re: lostcowboy]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I understand your frustration with other people possibly judging you, I used to judge others that way but it was because I was dealing with my own insecurities about my sexuality. I now understand that it is unhealthy and it only makes my life more miserable to think like that.

If it is at all possible, I think you should find a way to "not care" what people think of your sexuality. They will be the one's who have egg on their faces when they eventually realize that they were wrong.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#193178 - 11/29/07 03:43 PM Re: confused... [Re: bardo213]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Well said, Craig. You made my point. I've never really cared whether people thought I was gay or straight.

But LynchMob, what I don't understand is this;

Originally Posted By: lynchmob212001
I feel that iam straight and always will feel that way but when I hear from people that "think they know me and my sexuality" I start to question myself am I or am I not and I lose it I get angry and become parannoyed...


If you know you are str8, why would you doubt yourself just because someone else might think you're gay? Do you 'lose it' because of your homophobia and resentment that someone thinks you are something that you dread being?

You should chill. Being gay is not a sin, and being called thought of as gay is not the worst insult I can think of, by far.

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#193189 - 11/29/07 07:22 PM Re: [Re: Lazarus]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
?...


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 01:59 PM)

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#193194 - 11/29/07 08:08 PM Re: confused... [Re: bardo213]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Yes, that is true. There are a lot of rude people, and a lot of people will search for buttons to push to see what kind of reaction they get. Evidently, being called a fag gets a reaction out of you, otherwise nobody would have done it a second time.

From your first sentence you seem to indicate that you have a proverbial 'chip on your shoulder' when it comes to being gay. Why is that? In America these days, it's not such an unusual thing as to have many public consequences. Most people I have run into say, "0h, OK..." and that's it. But YOU have a big problem with that and some people will exploit that as a weakness. Not that you're gay, but that you hate being called gay. Live... and learn.

I also think a big part of that chip on your shoulder is you are mad that you were abused, and that has given you a sensitivity to being teased. A 'short fuse' in other words. That is completely understandable, and very common. But If you hide anything, you should hide that fuse. Don't hang it out there for people to light, because if you do, they will.

I'm not going to go into the whole 'gay' thing, unless you ask. I could tell you lots of reasons why being gay is not only NOT immoral, but is also pretty darned fulfilling (no pun intended). To each his own.

I hope you find peace.

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#193211 - 11/30/07 03:03 AM Re: [Re: Lazarus]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
...


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 01:59 PM)

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#193217 - 11/30/07 07:36 AM Re: confused... [Re: bardo213]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
lynchmob,

Could it be that you are lumping "gay" and "abuser" as one entity? It almost sounds like in your mind they are the same thing, which is completely understandable, especially for someone who's obviously heterosexual and has been abused.

Roadrunner recently pointed out to me that I was lumping two separate issues together in my mind, and it blew me away to even try to separate the two in my mind. If you are interested it's here: One issue at a time... parental mental illness

Just some thoughts.

BTW, I don't want to offend you or cramp your writing style, but it's very hard to read your responses. There's very little punctuation and it would help if you could break them up a bit. In their current format, it sounds a lot like you are just ranting, it's too hard to tell.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#193248 - 11/30/07 04:04 PM Re [Re: cbfull]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
..


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 02:00 PM)

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#193250 - 11/30/07 04:27 PM Re: [Re: bardo213]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
...


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 02:01 PM)

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#193262 - 11/30/07 09:27 PM Re: confused... [Re: bardo213]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Good for you Lynch. It's good that you recognize these things. And it's good that you can give yourself a break and not beat youself over the head about things... In other words it's good that you're thinking about it, and even better that you are NOT obsessing over it.

Craig, that was a great post between you and Larry. I replied to it in it's thread.

Ciao, baby!

Laz

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#193401 - 12/02/07 03:54 AM Re: [Re: Lazarus]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
////


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 02:00 PM)

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#193623 - 12/03/07 05:02 PM Re: confused... [Re: bardo213]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Funny your should ask; Craig and I have just been exchanging Martini recipies...

I wish I could help you with that one, but alas, Alcohol is my preferred method of self-medicating for the same reasons you mentioned. It's fast, it doesn't last too long and it's cheap. BUT it's not a good long-term therapy.

Nothing solves the anger and emotional pain except talking and understanding. They don't have a pill for that, and you won't find it in a bottle. That's why I'm here...

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#193631 - 12/03/07 05:24 PM Re: confused... [Re: bardo213]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi lynch, why do you think you use alcohol? I found that I was using it to block my anxiety feelings. Once I got married, I no longer had to approach women I was attracted to, and my anxiety levels dropped. If I was to lose my wife, I would likely start up again.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#193643 - 12/03/07 06:13 PM Re: [Re: lostcowboy]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
///


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 02:00 PM)

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#193653 - 12/03/07 07:22 PM Re: confused... [Re: lostcowboy]
courageousone Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/03/07
Posts: 3
I didnt invite the abuse or the nightmares and wetting the bed and doubting all those i came in contact with. I was a fun loving little boy who was abused and because of my abuse im changed forever im conflicted with my sexual identity becuase my choice was stripped from me and my self image is out there somewhere i grew up with 2 parents that were both alcoholics and come from a very large family when my mother died i just went deeper into an eternal sleepwalking and fantasy world to cope with my shame and my hurt. It isnt wrong to question our sexuality it is wrong to condemn it. Question is do i accept me for me pain,depression,shame,guilt,powerlessness etc .... I'm the only one who knows how much ive hurt all these years. Recently i shared this with some family they said to me i knew something like that was wrong with you and why your so messed up. I wanted to crawl back inside after that statement so many people dont think before they speak and they often dont listen to everything a person is saying it hurts to be judged by strangers and it really is painful when family and friends do this.


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#193672 - 12/03/07 09:17 PM Re: confused... [Re: courageousone]
Therese Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/23/07
Posts: 24
Dear Courageousone (what a beautiful name!)
I'm not a male survivor, I'm not even male (I'm the wife of a male survivor)so I don't know if it's OK for me to be on this section.
Anyway, after reading what you wwrote, I'mnot sure you're being judged by family members. It sounds to me like they're saying they always knew somethin was wrong (not with you, but with the situation you were in). It seems to me they're acknowledging your pain and suffering, but saying they didn't quite know whatwas going on or how to intervene. I could be very wrong, but it seems like this would be something worth considering.


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#193688 - 12/03/07 11:41 PM Re: [Re: Therese]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
....


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 02:00 PM)

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