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#192803 - 11/27/07 10:59 AM I'm new here
Therese Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/23/07
Posts: 24
Hello,
I'm a new person here. I've been married to the same guy for 30 years and I've recently learned that he was molested by his father for at least two years(between 5-7y/o)as far as he remembers. He says he's fine he's made peace with it. He just "locks the monsters up behind their doors" and doesn't think about it.

The thing is almost a year ago, I learned that he was visiting gay porn sites. At the time I thought maybe he was bisexual. He insists he's totally straight and not attracted to men. When I first bet him he subscrubed to a magazine that was sort of a "playboy" but with guys in it. I guess at the time I was pretty innocent ( and stupid)and didn't think too much of it. This past year has been pretty traumatic for the two of us. Our discussions of the porn have been difficult. I also learned that he had sex with men a few times in college, but he says it didn't do much for him. Ever since I've known him, he's received 2 men's clothing catalogs called International Male and Undergear that feature stud-looking guys in pretty provocative poses and incredibly scanty and decorative thongs, jock straps, etc. I think they're about more than clothing.

I guess at this time I'm trying to process all this. He insists he doesn't want therapy, that he's fine,etc. Yet it seems to me that this same-sex theme that's been running through his life is pretty significant. I don't know if it's from the abuse, or that he really is bisexual. I don't know how I feel about this. I feel awfully sad,hurt, maybe a little angry, but a lot confused. I'm certain he's not gay; we've had some pretty steamy sex. When I first asked him about this (after I'd seen the porn on the computer) he lied and told me he had no idea how it got there. He's always been rather private and secretive. He tries to hide the clothing magazines (but of course I see them when they come in the mail).

Is it possible that he's really OK without seeing a therapist? It seems that everyone else on this board is struggling mightily, even with a therapist. I want to help but I don't know how.

Also this homoerotic theme running through his life (and our marriage) is confusing and hurful to me. He insists he's been faithful to me and I guess I believe him. It's just that with all his secretiveness and the surproses that keep popping up, I don't know what to think. I'm not sure what our relationship is about now. My trust has been seriously shaken. I feel like I'm in a very uncomfortable limbo.

I would be grateful if you could share your thoughts with me about this and tell me how you handle similar experiences.It's taken me about two months to get my nerve up to post here. I'ts difficult for me to get on the computer at home (my daughter is always on mysapce, etc.). Right now I'm using a computer at work, although I really shouldn't be using this computer for personal stuff. So my posting will be spotty and infrequent.
Still I've found comfort from just reading what other people are saying on these boards, so I truly appreciate your being here and sharing your thoughts.

Thanks.


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#192808 - 11/27/07 12:10 PM Re: I'm new here [Re: Therese]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Therese:

Hi and welcome to the family and friends forum of Male Survivor. Unfortunately, many of us share similar stories from the men we are in relationships with.
I can honestly relate to the hurt surrounding the homoerotic theme haunting your marriage. I knew the winter before my husband disclosed that he was actively indulging in gay porn. It wasn't until I learned he was looking to act out live and in person that he agreed to therapy.
I suspect much of this behavior from them is in trying to make sense of the abuse. (if making sense is ever at all possible) What had happened to them as boys angers me so terribly. We are all effected by this, our children are effected by this...
As far as sharing some coping skills surrounding this heavy issue, I'm still working on getting there myself and it has been over a year now.
It really messes with a woman's self esteem, sense of security within the realtionship and sense of trust.
I've found therapy very beneficial in this so even if your husband will not attend (believing that he does not need it) I strongly recommend seeing a counselor your own. There is a lot to comprehend and to work through surrounding this reality.
I'm sorry that I can not be of more help here. Take some comfort in the fact that you are not alone, that we are all here by similar unfortunate circumstances.
Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#192810 - 11/27/07 12:35 PM Re: I'm new here [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Therese Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/23/07
Posts: 24
Dear Sweet n Sour,
thanks so much for your reply. The thing is, I feel so guilty for my negative feelings.He's done nothing to intentionally hurt me. I feel that I have no right be hurt or angry, but that's what I feel anyway. I have been seeing a counselor for a couple of years first for depression, and then this issue with my husband came up. Most of my sessions are about my husband and his sexuality. My therapist feels that this will simply take time for me to feel better about, but I don't see my feelings changing. I see myself becoming paranoid and suspicious, and frankly, I don't recognize myself. I've never been possessive or prying, but that' how I feel now. My therapist also says she thinks his behavior is founded in his abuse.

I feel that I should be loving and supportive, and to an extent I am, but I also feel deeply wounded. I am embarrassed that I've reacted so negatively,I've started resenting gay men, which is really crazy and unreasonable. This has done a real number on me and it makes me feel very weak for not being able to overcome it. I guess, the rug was pulled out from under me and now I question my marriage and maybe everything else around me.

I hope things are going well for you and your husband in therapy. I'd like to hear how things are going from time to time. I value being able to talk about this here because I can't talk to my husband, he only becomes more upset, so I feel I have to let that go for a while.

Thanks so much for your support,
Therese


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#192812 - 11/27/07 12:51 PM Re: I'm new here [Re: Therese]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Therese:

When you said: "I feel that I should be loving and supportive, and to an extent I am, but I also feel deeply wounded. I am embarrassed that I've reacted so negatively,I've started resenting gay men, which is really crazy and unreasonable. This has done a real number on me and it makes me feel very weak for not being able to overcome it. I guess, the rug was pulled out from under me and now I question my marriage and maybe everything else around me."
From my personal experience and from many here in the family and friend's forum, your feelings in this are very much shared. I feel sometimes that we are all given such struggles in order to learn and grow from during the course of our lives. I maintain the hope that once this is all said and done that my marriage will become that much stronger for the effort.
I am glad to hear you are in therapy...therapy is a very positive thing to do for yourself. I'm not sure where I would be today without therapy and such forums as this.
Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#192851 - 11/27/07 07:08 PM Re: I'm new here [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Dear Therese,

Welcome! I too am new to this site and can SO relate to what you are going through as I too have been going through similar things in my life.

About 1 year and 9 months ago, I met the most wonderful man that I had ever met. I actually thought that I had died and gone to heaven! I have been divorced twice previously years ago and have spent a great deal of time on my own. I have two grown children and one beautiful granddaughter and he has two grown children from his first marriage, none from his second.

As I was saying, this seemed like the perfect relationship to me and it seemed to be SO healthy, which is what I was looking for as in the past, so many times they were not. I felt that I had finally matured, finding me a partner who did not need me but wanted me in his life, and I wanting him, not needing him in mine.

He has been my very best friend. We enjoy doing so many of the same things together such as motorcycle riding, dancing, going out to movies, eating out, etc. and finally, I had met a man who my children liked and his children liked me! We both share in a strong belief in God and that too was very important to me.

We took everything slowly, not hopping into bed with one another as so many people do and as both of us had done in some of our past relationships only to find out that once the steam has fizzled out, there is nothing left.

I guess you get the point here that for both of us, it was what we had both been looking for and felt like at 57 and 58, we had finally been blessed to find one another! We seemed to have a love that could withstand anything!

After a year, and knowing that we wanted to make this a life time commitment to one another, I agreed to move in with him and rented out my condo in another nearby city.

After living here a while, I was on his computer one night and some gay porn site popped up. Needless to say, I was horrified. When I confronted him about the porn, not fully disclosing that it was gay, as I was embarrassed, he said, oh you know how that shit just pops up sometimes. Well, I am not computer stupid and I knew better, that stuff does not pop up on my computer, but that is because I don't choose to visit those kinds of sites!

Then in June, after only living with him for less than 3 months, I became aware that he had invited a man into our home while I was on a business trip!

Needless to say, I was absolutely horrified, shocked and totally devastated! How can this possibly be????????????????

So, being the kind of person I am, I had to confront the demons headfirst, the only way I know how to do that! At first he was detached and when I told him I was moving out, he didn't seem to care. I was even more devastated by this action of his, how could his love for me turn so cold so fast??? So, I am not sure what even prompted me, but I asked the question if he had ever been sexually abused as a child and he broke.

I am proud that he has been seeking help to get his life straightened out and I truly hope for his sake that he can accomplish that. He is attending individual therapy, group therapy, a trauma class and posts on this site.

Has it changed our lives? Most definitely!! Before all of this, I gave absolutely no thought to the fact that he would ever cheat on me, lie to me, betray me, etc., etc.

Do I feel guilty now that I am having a hard time with the trust issue even though he is doing the things he needs to do to get his life in order? Absolutely not! I did not create this whole mess as I have been nothing but true blue faithful to him and I can not and will not take responsibility for anyone's actions but my own. I believe that trust is the #1 issue in any relationship and should be valued more than anything else, not taken for granted! Once it is broken it has to be earned! Had I done anything to abuse his trust of me, I hope that I would be woman enough to stand up tall and take responsibility for my actions! It seems he is taking his responsibility, so at this time I am trying to be patient to see where all of this takes us, but none the less, I am still now very suspicious and hope that perhaps in time that will get better, only time will tell. It takes a lot of talking and I found I just have to say what is on my chest and he has been very responsive and patient with me and has allowed me to say and ask what I need to.

I read a post on this site recently by one of the Survivors about the country western song that Reba and Carrie Underwood sing called "Because of You'. And you know I thought, I guess we GF's and wives of our men who have "acted out", or are "bi-sexual", or are "gay and haven't figured it out yet" can totally relate to that song too:

"Because of you":
I don't know if I will ever be able to trust you or another man totally ever again.
I don't trust my self.
My self esteem is in the toilet.
I feel like I am not woman enough for you.
My wonderful life with you has been messed up by your brother just the same as yours!

I know that I rambled on here, it is so hard to put the words to paper. But I hope you got the idea that you are not alone. I know there are a lot of days lately that I feel all alone and at least it is nice to have this site to know that I am really not.

Welcome!


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