Newest Members
JohnWC, KKumar, J44, Anura, reynel5
12420 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
MADcHATTER (54), Ready2MoveOn (44)
Who's Online
4 registered (Going forward, 3 invisible), 39 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12420 Members
74 Forums
63790 Topics
445472 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#192817 - 11/27/07 01:47 PM The one's we love have deep-rooted issues too
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
In the midst of all this extra focus I have been putting on my personal recovery, I have discovered that I have been taking responsibility for a number of things in my relationship that don't make sense.

To summarize, my hubby and I often fuss and argue over some pretty trivial things, and the other day I kept noticing that his facts weren't adding up. Instead of letting it go like I normally do, I just didn't feel like taking the blame anymore so I would point out the inconsistency. Just as expected, he would either modify his story or add to it in a complete state of refusal to admit that he was lying.

I kept going with this until I was completely convinced of what was going on. I then started noticing that this was not by any means an isolated occurrance. I feel relieved that I am not confused about these little things anymore, but all this introspection has led me to realize that he has a very deep-rooted issue with his father (probably with his mother too) that causes him to hold on to these insignificant little "white" lies.

I have been trying not to confront him too directly about this because he gets kinda crazy when I pick at it, but I get really tired of letting myself feel confused and stupid when something doesn't make sense.

I guess what I am getting at is I am starting to empathize with him and realize that I am not the only one with childhood issues that run deep. It sorta brings us even closer and makes me love him just that much more.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#192951 - 11/28/07 09:16 AM Re: The one's we love have deep-rooted issues too [Re: cbfull]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
cbfull,

It's great you can cut him that break. Quite often people get caught out in what appear to be "lies", but which actually reflect an inability to come forward about something that, at the same time, can't stay entirely covered up either. Inventing a scenario that works for your guy allows him to regain some sense of control over a situation that clearly bothers him a lot, even if that control is only an illusion.

If you give him space instead of confronting him, you are also giving him room to negotiate with himself and you over all this. I wouldn't be surprised if one day it all comes tumbling out, but that has to be at a time when he feels he can face whatever consequences or reaction he thinks he may get. So again, looks like there's something serious under this lid.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#192954 - 11/28/07 09:31 AM Re: The one's we love have deep-rooted issues too [Re: roadrunner]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Larry,

I agree completely. I do not like the idea of confronting him about any of it, I don't want him to feel cornered. I love him so much it saddens me that he has to do this to feel "in control" of his situation.

It just feels like the right thing to do to cut him that slack. Thanks.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#192963 - 11/28/07 10:28 AM Re: The one's we love have deep-rooted issues too [Re: cbfull]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
cbfull,

Yep, and he will see straight away what you are doing and will appreciate the break.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.