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#192745 - 11/26/07 06:56 PM .
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 01:55 PM)

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#192748 - 11/26/07 07:54 PM Re: in need friendly advice? [Re: bardo213]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Lynch, if I were you my first priority would be to seek a relationship with a therapist who specializes and is experienced with childhood sexual abuse. Even though you didn't mention abuse in your post, I'm assuming you are a survivor, or you wouldn't be posting here. Your easy anger, guilt and rebellion are classic symptoms of CSA. You're not alone here, and many of us can relate to how you feel.

I'm sorry but I'm not qualified to give you any advice except this; Trust your instincts, but don't be too hard on yourself. You seem to be working on many of the self-help therapies, and that's a good thing. But you need to find expert guidance and counselling. After all, a good therapists instructs and informs mainly by asking the right questions. You know the answers, you just don't know how to put that knowlege into perspective yet.

I know you're frustrated and impatient, but fixing CSA takes some time. Some people work on it for their entire lives. Remember that you are a work in progress until the day you die. The fact that you are this aware and courageous at what I assume is a relatively young age is a good thing. I spent several decades before I got to the point you are at now. Keep up the struggle, but don't let it get you down. You are a good person. Try not to hurt yourself and other people, and nurture your feelings; accept that they have worth. You have an excellent chance of finding your true happiness in the end.

That's just my opinion, and opinions are usually worth exactly what you pay for them. Best of luck to you.

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#192753 - 11/26/07 08:12 PM . [Re: Lazarus]
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
..


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 01:56 PM)

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#193186 - 11/29/07 06:57 PM Re: in need friendly advice? [Re: bardo213]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Lynch,

Can I ask a difficult question? If I may presume so, it would be this;

Can you list, in summary, the things that mark your progress toward recovery, and the things that you get stuck on? Just a list would suffice.

I guess it's only fair that I be willing to do the same thing, so here goes:

Progress;
1. I am not uncomfortable being naked around other people. I can urinate in public for the first time in my life.

2. I can accept a compliment. I can flirt without it being an open invitation for sex.

3. I can talk about my abuse objectively, with just about anyone who wants to know.

4. I forgive my own weaknesses and don't feel guilty about them. I can do something for me, just for me.

5. I don't cringe when my partner touches me in a sexual way.

6. I recognize my feelings and pay attention to them. When I'm depressed, for example, I treat it like the flu.

7. I don't feel like I have to hide any or all of who I am from anybody, but I don't wear my identity on my sleeve. I am a participant in life, but not an activist.


Sticking points;

1. I am, and always have been, obsessed with sex. I give it far more importance than it deserves.

2. I have not fogotten my abusers, and I don't forgive them. I am abmivilant towards them. I have NOT forgiven myself, however.

3. I have broken so many rules in my life that I almost think the rules don't apply to me. I'm not a bad person, but I'm not a good one either; at least in my opinion.

4. I am compulsive. I overanalyze the things that should be instinctual, and often don't give a second thought to things best reconsidered long and hard.

5. I'm an addict. To booze. To drugs. To cigarettes. To porn. To sex. Also to Gershwin. To woodworking. To sailing. To writing. To all my other hobbies that destract me and occupy my time. I'm manic depressive (currently called BiPolar) so sometimes my passions can be quite the roller coaster.

That's all I can think of right now. So I'm 7 to 5, positive to negative. I guess that's not bad.

Curious to see how your list turns out,

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#193286 - 12/01/07 01:59 AM Re: in need friendly advice? [Re: Lazarus]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
lynch,

Actually, it sounds like you are doing very well. You're making a lot of progress in so many areas and I hope that gives you a sense of satisfaction and pride. It should!

Two points occur to me, however. The first is that you seem to be beating yourself up over things that are in the past. Unfortunately, we can't access the past and change any of that; it's gone. If you can, I would suggest trying to go back to the past only to look for things that will help you now. That is, take responsibility for doing better now and in the future, but try to avoid falling into bouts of self-blame ("I can't believe I did ...."). Just beating up on ourselves never does us anything but harm.

The other is your comment about therapy, and especially CBT. That's what I did as well, and it really worked for me. But there are many approaches to therapy and what's great for one guy may not suit another. Perhaps what you need is a different approach.

But before you go that route I would just ask this: Do you communicate well with your T? That is, if you think the session is going nowhere or isn't addressing issues you think are important, do you feel free to say so? If not, try that approach. I have had two fantastic Ts, but both of them really appreciated it when I was open with them and let them know when I was dissatisfied with what we were doing. Perhaps your problem in therapy would be resolved just by telling your T you feel "stuck" (or whatever else it is that you feel), and pointing out that you see your big problem as personal relationships that tempt you back into self-defeating behaviors.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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