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#192678 - 11/25/07 11:11 PM The way he said it
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
About a year ago or so, when I was moving back into my mothers house, my brother (my perp) was helping me move things back, I was driving him back to his house when we got to talking. The book that he had about sexual techniques "The Joy of sex" when he was a teen (I was 13 he was 16-17) came up and about how our mom found it and he said to me "I told mom it was yours". Just the way he said it, it made me feel like I was 13 all over again.

Jason


_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#192680 - 11/25/07 11:45 PM Re: The way he said it [Re: onlyakid]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
OH wow... sorry man \:\(

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I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#192947 - 11/28/07 08:39 AM Re: The way he said it [Re: James_dup1]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jason,

Makes my blood boil, this one does. He basically manipulated and used you all over again, so no wonder you felt 13 again. He must be either totally oblivious or totally heartless.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#192956 - 11/28/07 09:41 AM Re: The way he said it [Re: roadrunner]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Events like this; The ones that put us right back into the wounded-child mode are awful! I totally understand this Jason. Sorry you had to take such a hard hit like this.

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#192960 - 11/28/07 09:57 AM Re: The way he said it [Re: Still]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Jason:
So sorry to hear about your bro. My Bro was my perp. also. Luckily for me he lives 3 states away from me. I only have to deal with him once in awhile when he phones. STill haven't had the guts to confront him. Hope through my healing I will be given that opportunity.
Thanks and again sorry for your hurt.
Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#192979 - 11/28/07 11:31 AM Re: The way he said it [Re: roadrunner]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Originally Posted By: roadrunner
He must be either totally oblivious or totally heartless.


Actually Larry, I brought it up, I think it was more of a panicked reaction. Something to the effect of "He's remembering what happened back then, better do something so he doesn't try to remember further." Or "Oh shit he remembers, don't want to talk about this now, make him want to change the subject". Or it could he could be heartless or oblivious.

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


Top
#193122 - 11/29/07 09:09 AM Re: The way he said it [Re: onlyakid]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jason,

I don't recall you telling us whether you have ever tried to address the abuse with your brother. I mean, have you ever confronted him? Is this something you can talk about?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#193184 - 11/29/07 05:51 PM Re: The way he said it [Re: roadrunner]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Nope, Larry I haven't I don't think I'm ready to, I need to be further along in my recovery before I will consider that.

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#193339 - 12/01/07 01:45 PM Re: The way he said it [Re: onlyakid]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Jason,

It's interesting to me that you brought the subject up with your brother, but that you also pushed it away. Maybe you're really wanting to get the cards on the table?

I believe that fear and silence are the root problems of abuse, the aftermath ugliness that makes us scared to speak the truth about our past and that keeps us locked in it because we can't speak it.

I also believe it is possible to talk about these things kindly and without accusation, just wanting to share the truth and facts of the story. It doesn't have to be "You screwed up my life now face it and talk about it!" It can instead be, "can we talk about something that's been on my mind for a while?"

When you reveal the hidden darkness of the deep ugly, you expose it to healing sunlight. That has been my experience. The only real caveat I have is: if you talk to him, don't expect anything but to have revealed the dark secret and to have opened it to the healing air and light.

If you're at all tied to your brother's response, he may frighten you by the strength of his own fears or fearlessness. These may seem like attacks on you, but they will far more likely be the speaking of his own weakness and vulnerability, and this kind of speaking often looks ugly. This conversation would need to be done with kindness on your part in order to be effective. Otherwise rifts get opened. You might want to think of it all as something that happened to both of you. That you each found the other in a new relationship on that day, and that maybe neither one of you ever really wanted it that way. That was certainly the case with my dad and me. And how sad that we couldn't just turn back the clock and avoid that pitfall altogether. We'd both agree that dad and son is a better relationship than molester and molestee.

If I may comment on your signature quotes (they seem really appropriate to your post, so I thought I'd mention them). I disagree with their take on fear, and I thought maybe an alternate perspective would be useful:

Fear doesn't lock us in: instead it encloses our greatest challenges. The things I'm afraid of are the things I most deeply need to accept and love. Fear wraps them up in neat little packages so I can recognize them. These packages are the little bumps on the way up the mountain, and every time I've stepped over one of them, I've always found the new view is totally worth the work. To put this in the terms of your first quote: Fear is the lock, and courage is the key that opens the door.

In terms of the second quote: I don't believe one should try conquer fear. It isn't about gathering up arms and going to war. I believe one has to accept and love the fear, to see the fear as the sign that deep healing and growth is possible. Then reach into the fear and let it wash over you, digging into all its scary parts with a smile on your face and loving kindness in your heart, until its urge to grip and crush becomes a hug and you find yourself flying with scary joy down a new hill, the wind in your hair a sign that a little bit of liberation has come.

The day I don't have any more fears to understand will be a really dull day!



Danny




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#193372 - 12/01/07 06:35 PM Re: The way he said it [Re: DannyT]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Danny,
Yes, I brought it up, I don't know why that book came up, but I certainly wasn't intending to do it. Right now, I'm not ready to bring it up. I still don't remember atlot of details and even though I would like to get some answers I can't imagine him giving them to me.

Yes, if he apologized and told me he was sorry he abused me, that would be a big jump forward. If he said it never happened or that I was making too much out of it, and fed me lies to make me doubt myself, that would be a HUGE step backwards. Right now, thats a chance I can't take. I would think it would be the latter due to his response to my even bringing up the years we lived together in that house.

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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