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#19267 - 01/30/04 06:39 PM Sick and tired of this garbage, trigger
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I know that everyone gets tired of this sh*t that we have to deal with, the legacy of what has been done to us. Oh yes, and THANK YOU, you f*cking basterds who did this, let me show my gratitude properly. I thought I had come 'somewhere' in this healing. I thought maybe I had DONE some? Now I do not even know. My doctor, last week, she changed one of my medications, the one I guess for just me being crazy (Mellaril, I'm sorry if anyone else is on that one, I do not mean you are crazy, I just know that I probably am some), because of what happen with bad reaction to a different medicine last month, and that there is possible bad reactions with this one, even though I have not had the problems with it. She put me on different medicine called Geodon (so with that one, the two antidepressants, the two antibiotics, sleep pill, pain pill and the nerve like pill, I am pilled to death). Since changing the medicines, have had more panic, flashbacks, body memories, not sleeping, not able to eat, not reasonable or rational, cutting and burning myself and hitting myself in the head to get the dam voices to shut up, and just going total crazy. So I call therapist today, and talked with doctor also, and they have me increase dose of this new medicine. But now I am thinking, have I healed at all? Or is it just this f*cking medicine, making me think I have done something? Have *I* done anything, other then become someone who needs all these stupid pills? Am I ever going to be better of all this?

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#19268 - 01/30/04 07:01 PM Re: Sick and tired of this garbage, trigger
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
leosha,
you are not crazy, not by a long chalk! medicines affect the brain chemistry, something you already know, i am sure. because of all the meds you are on now and trying to find the right dosage it is wreaking havoc with your chemical balance therefore everything is hitting the fan. hang in there, leo. pm me if you need me.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#19269 - 01/30/04 07:39 PM Re: Sick and tired of this garbage, trigger
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Hey Mr. Brass Band you be the man. Ok. And you know what I am talking about. Ime proud to walk with you. But you are really going to have to teach me some Russian. I think I know a couple of words. DA NYET Thats about it though. Oh and DUDE \:D \:D \:D

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#19270 - 01/30/04 07:49 PM Re: Sick and tired of this garbage, trigger
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
Leosha,

I am sorry you are having so many problems. But you're not alone, I am on more medicines for all this than I can even keep track of, so I have to believe that doesn't make us any less healed, I think it assists in our healing journey, helps us until we can help ourselves.

You are far from crazy, if you were crazy that would make me crazy, wait, maybe not a good thing to say since I know myself \:D Anyway, you are not crazy, if you were crazy you wouldn't be able to grasp the concept at all.

You have healed, I have known you for quite awhile, and I have seen you heal quite a bit, I am so proud of you for how far you have come. You have healed a lot, and you should be proud of that also, I know you may not see that you have healed, but you have I can see it in you.

But, in time you will get even better and heal more, just takes time and work unfortunately. But you can make it, you are strong and have a good and powerful spirit which shines through, and will help to sustain you through this healing journey. Know I am wishing you all the best, and I am always here for you.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#19271 - 01/30/04 07:53 PM Re: Sick and tired of this garbage, trigger
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
My friend,

You are not crazy, and you HAVE made improvement, it's just hard to see with your docs monkeying around with your meds AND being "pilled to death." (I like that and I'm going to use this!)

Tarry with us, Leo, and rest a spell. You've earned it. I'm here for you.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#19272 - 01/30/04 10:13 PM Re: Sick and tired of this garbage, trigger
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Leosha,

Yeah this shit gets tiring. This baggage those perps gave us, too bad we can't lose it as fast as the airlines (Sorry, Mark). To the hell with them - to the hell with them all.

As Scot says, it can seem we are being "pilled to death". I was recently taking so many medications for a variety of things, I carried them around in a shoe box and the box was full. A drug interaction had me unable to stay awake for more than 5 or so minutes or so. I cut out all but the necessities, and have been emotionally better since then. In the last week or so the pain, from the 'plumbing' problem, has been pretty bad (making it very difficult to walk) and has been taking a emotional toll on me.

So, what I am saying is- No, your not going crazy. It takes a while for the docs to get the meds right, they react differently on each of us, and differently on us with the changing meds we are taking. I'm glad you called your doctor and T, a great sign your not crazy. The meds are a support as we heal. They are not a permanent thing.

Take care, Leosha

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#19273 - 01/30/04 11:07 PM Re: Sick and tired of this garbage, trigger
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Leosha,

It's you doing the work and making progress. If it were just the meds, it wouldn't be so hard.

You're doing the work. You're recovering. You're going to reap the benefits. Believe it.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#19274 - 02/01/04 10:14 AM Re: Sick and tired of this garbage, trigger
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Leosha,

Take it from someone in the medical field--I wouldn't use the opinions of doctors necessarily as the end all for your progress.

Furthermore, in terms of medications and mood swings and the like, well I'd listen to them on that one without interpreting it too much though. Just because you get strange reactions, they up your dose, change medications, etc., does not mean you have not progressed. In fact, that fact that you are doubting it a little bit is likely a good sign (as it shows you're not simply on the whim of these drugs and are able to evaluate things very consciously).

One thing we do know now about this whole brain stuff and chemicals is that drugs are extremely powerful (especially "brain drugs"). They can do all sorts of stuff to your brain, and despite the amount of stuff we've done on pharmacology, we are not all the same. Thus, these drugs you are taking can elicit all sorts of unexpected effects.

Just make sure you tell your therapist and doctor what is going on. I'm sure you'll stabilize a little more soon (once they truly pin down the right dose and type of med), but it'll take patience. You've gone this far, I know you can keep on picking yourself up.

Hang in there, and have faith bro. We're all here with you.


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#19275 - 02/01/04 01:27 PM Re: Sick and tired of this garbage, trigger
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Man do I understand the feeling of just not going anywhere in my recovery. I get that way all the time. I tell you I've seen how you have grown as a man sence you have been posting here. When I get like in my recovery I like to go back and re-read some of my old post from when I first started coming here. And it helps me see how much I've grown and changed over the last couple of years. Leosha, your a strong brother. Sometimes changing meds will really mess with your head till they get leveled out in your system, just keep doing what you are and telling your t and your doctor what is going on with you. (((hugs)))
James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#19276 - 02/01/04 07:38 PM Re: Sick and tired of this garbage, trigger
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I went on Prozac and then Lofepramine for depression just recently, and I came off both of them on my own accord. The side effects were worse than the f****g depression !
I did tell my doctor I was coming off them, and he agreed as long as I remained in therapy and showed some positive effects from that - which I have.

I know that depression is as much about chemical imbalance in our brain workings as much as the abuse etc, but for me it is easier to deal with the abuse through therapy with a clear head than with one that feels as though it belongs to some dope fiend junkie.

I don't recommend that anyone comes off their medicine without their doctors full help and agreement, well maybe argue about the 'agreement' bit, but I do feel that many doc's are far to free with giving out strong drugs.

Take care Leosha, I know how you feel and it isn't nice.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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