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#192656 - 11/25/07 05:09 PM New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS
Candy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 12
I keep thinking there is something my eleven year old is not telling me, even though he keeps saying his dad has never touched him. Today for the first time, I thought about something odd that happened to my son years ago.

He went through a long period where he would gag on EVERYTHING...he did not relaly eat for months. The doctor could find nothing wrong. During this time he would also have panic attacks, one that was so scary i took him to the ER. After a few months it disappeared..he was probably 5-6 at the time.

When he was about 8 he developed this very strange aversion to anything salty...it was so bad I actually had to hide all the salt in the house, because he said it would make him puke...

Could he be totally dissasociating from anything that may have happened ? Or could he be hiding it??

Candy



Edited by Candy (11/25/07 07:46 PM)

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#192665 - 11/25/07 07:38 PM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) [Re: Candy]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
First of all candy could you please put a trigger warning in the title of your post if it is graphic in any way that might bother some one? thank you very much.

anyways talk to your sons pediatrician see what he thinks maybe taking your sons to a therapist would be a good idea.

i wish you the best of luck at getting to the bottom of your childrens strange behavior. i hope for there sake that you are wrong in your fears of there father abusing them.

sorry i cant be more helpful but i am sure some one here might have some better advice.


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#192667 - 11/25/07 07:47 PM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) [Re: theatrekid]
Candy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 12
No problem. Thanks for your good thoughts and well wishes...I put a warning in the title.

Candy


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#192693 - 11/26/07 12:48 AM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) [Re: Candy]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
sorry I did not see the warning.


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#192694 - 11/26/07 01:02 AM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) [Re: Candy]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Candy,

Young children will have instances of issues with food from time to time as a natural part of their growing up, but your de>
_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#192696 - 11/26/07 01:15 AM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: Candy]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Originally Posted By: Candy
I keep thinking there is something my eleven year old is not telling me.


Candy,

For what its worth... A child won't necessarily up and say what is actually happening. Take me for example, I was convinced I would get in trouble if anyone found out about the abuse. This kept me completely silent until I was nearly 20 years old. The same goes for many on this site.

There are many 'techniques' which child abusers will employ the usage thereof in order to keep their 'victims' silent. First things first is convincing the 'victim' that they are not a victim, but an active willing participant. Another thing that often occurs is a bond of loyalty. If this child is being abused by his father, he wouldn't see it as something that isn't supposed to happen, he'd see it as the secret that he and his dad cherish together. Children are taught to believe these things and simply asking them if anything is happening isn't going to help matters if the child is stuck on keeping that silence. They are motivated to keep silent, so why would they break the silence?

This is something you may need to overcome if you feel like there is something there. An old expression that comes up here from time to time is... "Where there is smoke, there is usually fire". Keep working with your suspicions and keep trying to get to the bottom of this.

You will need to be as crafty as possible to get a secret out of a child who's motivated to keep that secret. Think of how the child might be thinking of the situation. You can't think like an adult on this one because quite simply, you're not dealing with adults here.

Wishing you (and hoping for) the best possible outcome of all this,
~Brian

_________________________
Boom!

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#192705 - 11/26/07 10:13 AM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: frost]
Candy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 12
Thank you all for your replies. I agree, I think that I need to press the child gently, but keep pressing. My family thinks I should drop it, and just protect the kids from here on out. But that is very difficult, when both the kids and their dad want to see each other. I am in a very difficult posistion. I am either the bad guy now, or the bag guy 20 years from now when he says "Why did you not protect me". I am doing what i think is best for the kids. If their dad is innocent, well then, I will be sorry.

However, I have trouble believe that. I am a big believe in instinct and soething has been telling me there was something wrong with him for years. I choose to leave him...however I could not get the kids from him too on intuition. If my first was abused while we were in the same house I will never get over that. How could I NOT have known ??? God....

Thanks for all your help. I am sure it is not easy to hear all this and deal with your own demons...you are wonderful people..
Candy


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#193114 - 11/29/07 08:27 AM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: Candy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Candy,

Originally Posted By: Candy
I am in a very difficult posistion. I am either the bad guy now, or the bag guy 20 years from now when he says "Why did you not protect me". I am doing what i think is best for the kids. If their dad is innocent, well then, I will be sorry.


Right there you have it: your task as the mother of these boys is to find out what's going on and protect them. If others don't like that - tough.

The family reaction is a typical one, by the way. People with no appreciation of the impact of CSA will often look at the situation and conclude that the first thing that needs to happen is to close the whole thing down; they will want to protect the family's public reputation at all costs.

One thing that concerns me, Candy, is how you plan to approach the 11 yo. I was first abused at the age of 10, and I know there's no way I could have found the vocabulary to tell my parents what was happening in any direct fashion. That is, I'd be willing to bet that your son won't be able to say who did what to him.

What you should watch for, I think, are signs that he is trying to communicate his distress indirectly. Gagging on food, for example, or avoiding things that taste of or remind him of saltiness, could very easily be his way of telling you what happened.

As I think I have said previously, this really is one for a child psychology with experience with abuse issues. If anything inappropriate has happened your son will find it very confusing and will blame himself for what happened. It really does take a pro to work through the barriers he will have to telling you the truth, assuming there is some sinister truth to be found.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#194392 - 12/08/07 11:40 AM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: roadrunner]
des6263 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/15/06
Posts: 137
Loc: midwest, US
Can I ask why you suspect his Father?

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#194509 - 12/08/07 09:25 PM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: des6263]
Candy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 12
Sure...it is in my post from a while back, on 3 year old accuses dad. My three year old asked me to touch him, and then told me his daddy does it all the time.

Update...went thru Child advocate again, he told them everything. They said there is STILL not enough to do anything. It is a fondling case, no witness, no evidence. He is only three. And this was the policeman telling me this !

I feel like i am in the twilight zone....

Candy


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#194515 - 12/08/07 10:11 PM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: Candy]
des6263 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/15/06
Posts: 137
Loc: midwest, US
Wow, i am so sorry, it must be very tough.

_________________________
May the Flames of Truth Burn Bright

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#194550 - 12/09/07 08:54 AM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: des6263]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Candy. Have you exhausted all of your legal recourses? If this is so, it's time to go to the next level. Contact your local State Representative, explain your story in detail to him, and NAME the people who are ignoring you. If your story seems plausible and he feels that the system that is supposed to be protecting you is failing, heads may very well start rolling.

Remember, politicians LOVE to take public and noticeable actions that pertain to "protecting children". I suggest that you use this to your advantage. Personally, I would like to see you do this, because I dread to think that your child might grow up with CSA issues and that your efforts to do something about it come to nothing.


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#194553 - 12/09/07 09:56 AM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: Hauser]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6397
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Just my opinion here...with the evidence you have re the 3-yo and the symptoms displayed by the 11-yo. The 11-yo IS currently or WAS a CSA victim.

As for the 11-yo disclosing...it may be 30 years before he does. It took me 32 years, otherwise, I considered it to be an unspeakable subject.

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#194563 - 12/09/07 12:15 PM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: Still]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Candy,

Sounds to me like you've got some people in high places who are protecting other people, perhaps because they have problems also? Who knows? I find it hard to believe that no one you've talked with has been the least bit concerned over this. Perhaps Hauser has some good advise.



_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#194620 - 12/09/07 11:31 PM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: WalkingSouth]
Candy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 12
yes, it is horrible. But here is my next plan..and if nothing comes from that then i suppose i will try the politician route...great idea by the way.

I am putting in a request to approve the parenting plan immediately, which severly restricts visitation. I will also request supervision, and therapy for the dad and kids. I have no idea if the judge will agree, but there is alot more to the story (not CSA related) that I think the judge will look at that will convince him there needs to be supervision.

And Robbie, you just stopped my heart with that comment. Because I know you are right...my poor baby \:\(

Candy


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#194689 - 12/10/07 01:19 PM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: Candy]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Yes, and poor Robbie too! God save us all...

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#194743 - 12/10/07 09:00 PM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: Candy]
Candy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 12
and God WIll bless us all !!! All these trials are for some higher purpose only God knows.

Candy


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#197783 - 01/03/08 05:20 PM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS *DELETED* [Re: Candy]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Post deleted by Freedom49


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#197786 - 01/03/08 05:56 PM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: Freedom49]
evanesence Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 119
wanna borrow my 45? i guess it's what they did to me ,but it would be so hard for me to not just blow the bastard away ,im really glad your not me,it's that kind of control they took from me i think. the damage caused when the father is the abuser goes so far beyond the sa part ,hell thats not the part that hurts the most ,it's the total destruction of trust ,in anyone or anything that lingers forever,it's like ok god made the world ,god made dads care about their sons ,what does a kid have to hold onto when even the basic instinctive things we are all born with are non existant in the most important person in his life? nothing . it's only fondling?! insane .


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#197862 - 01/04/08 10:23 AM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: evanesence]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Wow.

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Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#197960 - 01/04/08 08:35 PM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: Candy]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Candy, the police may have certain protocols but are not neccessarily trained too well in other ways and they have a narrow view in legal terms. If you called a child and family service agency or a crisis hotline, they could direct you toward a qualified specialist who is better trained and hopefully far more competant. You are correct to follow with caution but you are doing the right thing to make inquiries. I hope this helps and there are local services where you live. One last thing, a 3 year old has no knowledge or experience to fabricate such tales and that sure seems like enough to warrant further investigation at any cost.
Best wishes,
Peace,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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