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#192656 - 11/25/07 05:09 PM New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS
Candy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 12
I keep thinking there is something my eleven year old is not telling me, even though he keeps saying his dad has never touched him. Today for the first time, I thought about something odd that happened to my son years ago.

He went through a long period where he would gag on EVERYTHING...he did not relaly eat for months. The doctor could find nothing wrong. During this time he would also have panic attacks, one that was so scary i took him to the ER. After a few months it disappeared..he was probably 5-6 at the time.

When he was about 8 he developed this very strange aversion to anything salty...it was so bad I actually had to hide all the salt in the house, because he said it would make him puke...

Could he be totally dissasociating from anything that may have happened ? Or could he be hiding it??

Candy



Edited by Candy (11/25/07 07:46 PM)

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#192665 - 11/25/07 07:38 PM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) [Re: Candy]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
First of all candy could you please put a trigger warning in the title of your post if it is graphic in any way that might bother some one? thank you very much.

anyways talk to your sons pediatrician see what he thinks maybe taking your sons to a therapist would be a good idea.

i wish you the best of luck at getting to the bottom of your childrens strange behavior. i hope for there sake that you are wrong in your fears of there father abusing them.

sorry i cant be more helpful but i am sure some one here might have some better advice.


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#192667 - 11/25/07 07:47 PM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) [Re: theatrekid]
Candy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 12
No problem. Thanks for your good thoughts and well wishes...I put a warning in the title.

Candy


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#192693 - 11/26/07 12:48 AM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) [Re: Candy]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
sorry I did not see the warning.


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#192694 - 11/26/07 01:02 AM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) [Re: Candy]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Candy,

Young children will have instances of issues with food from time to time as a natural part of their growing up, but your de>
_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#192696 - 11/26/07 01:15 AM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: Candy]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Originally Posted By: Candy
I keep thinking there is something my eleven year old is not telling me.


Candy,

For what its worth... A child won't necessarily up and say what is actually happening. Take me for example, I was convinced I would get in trouble if anyone found out about the abuse. This kept me completely silent until I was nearly 20 years old. The same goes for many on this site.

There are many 'techniques' which child abusers will employ the usage thereof in order to keep their 'victims' silent. First things first is convincing the 'victim' that they are not a victim, but an active willing participant. Another thing that often occurs is a bond of loyalty. If this child is being abused by his father, he wouldn't see it as something that isn't supposed to happen, he'd see it as the secret that he and his dad cherish together. Children are taught to believe these things and simply asking them if anything is happening isn't going to help matters if the child is stuck on keeping that silence. They are motivated to keep silent, so why would they break the silence?

This is something you may need to overcome if you feel like there is something there. An old expression that comes up here from time to time is... "Where there is smoke, there is usually fire". Keep working with your suspicions and keep trying to get to the bottom of this.

You will need to be as crafty as possible to get a secret out of a child who's motivated to keep that secret. Think of how the child might be thinking of the situation. You can't think like an adult on this one because quite simply, you're not dealing with adults here.

Wishing you (and hoping for) the best possible outcome of all this,
~Brian

_________________________
I farted so huge, my ass exploded. There was poo everywhere and it got into the fan too. What a fucking mess.

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#192705 - 11/26/07 10:13 AM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: frost]
Candy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 12
Thank you all for your replies. I agree, I think that I need to press the child gently, but keep pressing. My family thinks I should drop it, and just protect the kids from here on out. But that is very difficult, when both the kids and their dad want to see each other. I am in a very difficult posistion. I am either the bad guy now, or the bag guy 20 years from now when he says "Why did you not protect me". I am doing what i think is best for the kids. If their dad is innocent, well then, I will be sorry.

However, I have trouble believe that. I am a big believe in instinct and soething has been telling me there was something wrong with him for years. I choose to leave him...however I could not get the kids from him too on intuition. If my first was abused while we were in the same house I will never get over that. How could I NOT have known ??? God....

Thanks for all your help. I am sure it is not easy to hear all this and deal with your own demons...you are wonderful people..
Candy


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#193114 - 11/29/07 08:27 AM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: Candy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Candy,

Originally Posted By: Candy
I am in a very difficult posistion. I am either the bad guy now, or the bag guy 20 years from now when he says "Why did you not protect me". I am doing what i think is best for the kids. If their dad is innocent, well then, I will be sorry.


Right there you have it: your task as the mother of these boys is to find out what's going on and protect them. If others don't like that - tough.

The family reaction is a typical one, by the way. People with no appreciation of the impact of CSA will often look at the situation and conclude that the first thing that needs to happen is to close the whole thing down; they will want to protect the family's public reputation at all costs.

One thing that concerns me, Candy, is how you plan to approach the 11 yo. I was first abused at the age of 10, and I know there's no way I could have found the vocabulary to tell my parents what was happening in any direct fashion. That is, I'd be willing to bet that your son won't be able to say who did what to him.

What you should watch for, I think, are signs that he is trying to communicate his distress indirectly. Gagging on food, for example, or avoiding things that taste of or remind him of saltiness, could very easily be his way of telling you what happened.

As I think I have said previously, this really is one for a child psychology with experience with abuse issues. If anything inappropriate has happened your son will find it very confusing and will blame himself for what happened. It really does take a pro to work through the barriers he will have to telling you the truth, assuming there is some sinister truth to be found.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#194392 - 12/08/07 11:40 AM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: roadrunner]
des6263 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/15/06
Posts: 137
Loc: midwest, US
Can I ask why you suspect his Father?

_________________________
May the Flames of Truth Burn Bright

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#194509 - 12/08/07 09:25 PM Re: New question (re son accusing dad) TRIGGERS [Re: des6263]
Candy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 12
Sure...it is in my post from a while back, on 3 year old accuses dad. My three year old asked me to touch him, and then told me his daddy does it all the time.

Update...went thru Child advocate again, he told them everything. They said there is STILL not enough to do anything. It is a fondling case, no witness, no evidence. He is only three. And this was the policeman telling me this !

I feel like i am in the twilight zone....

Candy


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