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#19252 - 10/03/03 09:13 AM Why didn't he kill me?
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
I hurt so much now.

Why didn't he just finish the job? It would've been so much easier.

I so want him to pay for this.

Scumbag. The only reason last night was posittive was that I know and feel now that not telling was not my fault.

But this morning I wish I was dead.

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#19253 - 10/03/03 09:52 AM Re: Why didn't he kill me?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Crisispoint>

I hear you. But remember if your wish comes true that scumbag wins forever. He wins and you cannot speak up. Now theses assholes can never be allowed to win. What they did was unbelievably diabolical and the damage is far reaching.

Is it normal to feel low? You bet it is. I have been there and tried to end it three times. As you can see I was not able to be sucessful. the one time I thought I was I never wanted to live so much.

I think that things like this happen as we heal and we should treat them like a bit of a bump or pothole as long as we continually move forward.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#19254 - 10/03/03 04:09 PM Re: Why didn't he kill me?
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
crisispoint,
i understand the feeling. when i started to learn and remember what happened to me as a child i really went into a tailspin. it was my pwn mother and stepfather (that i clearly recall at this point). everything i thought i knew about who i was and where i came from turned out to be a lie, or so i thought. for a long time i even wondered if the person i was could be real. the question i asked myself was that if the child buried himself, what went on to live the rest of my life as i knew it? a fake? what i came to realize is that though little theo went into hiding to escape the abuse and protect our innocence, he was still an active part of me. i, the adult, was still areal person. when in the depth of the initial recall and self doubts, i also wondered why i was not finished off as a child, i even thought for a time that little theo was dead and i was simply an automaton. i learned that little theo is still there with our innocence and awe of the wide world. all of us survived for reasons that are unique to each, but the survival also meant that we could tell our story and perhaps protect new children.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#19255 - 10/04/03 03:13 PM Re: Why didn't he kill me?
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
I guess I don't mean that he should've killed me. It's just that this is getting to be a bad nightmare. I hope to God that there isn't anything more trapped in my head.

Still, I want to be free of it. Of him. Now that I remember, he's waiting everywhere. I hear his "should I kill you" speech all the time.

You should've, Mr. Price. I told on you.

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#19256 - 10/04/03 04:29 PM Re: Why didn't he kill me?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
CrisisPoint
You told on Mr Price, way to go !

Whatever he threatened, he did to maintain your fear and his power over you.
But who's got the power now ?

You have. You have the power to heal yourself and become the man you were always destined to be.

mr price ? he's got his conscience to battle with, and maybe the power of justice.

Your the "man" - he's not.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#19257 - 10/10/03 03:33 AM Re: Why didn't he kill me?
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I know how hard it is, to feel you wish to be dead. I have been there, even as recent as last few days. All I know is, to do that is to give them final and ultimate victory. And that is total bullshit, that will not happen. I have hurt myself enough for them. I will not kill myself for them. They have chance to do that and fail. The hell of them now. I hope you can see that also. Good luck to you, I wish you well.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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