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#192545 - 11/25/07 12:07 AM Hard topic
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Not sure how to go about this post, might seem a little cryptic but I need to be careful, I'm sworn to certain things. I've run into a person who mis-represented himself and I'm having a hard time with it. I came to know him pretty closely and I'm concerned about his welfare, but I also......well I pretty much also want to smack him upside the head. I know he's hurting like all of us here are hurting, but he's also perpetuating it. I just wasn't ready for this eventuality.

I find myself saying "what have I gotten myself into" with regards to the whole healing process. I want to run so I'm not putting myself in this position again. A year ago I would have had no problem with this person being removed from this earth, but now I find myself caring deeply about getting this person some help. I guess I knew that I might run into this type of person considering what were all talking about but I have a hard time thinking that if a person is looking for help he couldn't possibly be thinking differently about things than I am.

I'm sorry for this beating-around-the-bush shit, I guess what I'm asking is how do I protect myself from this shit while I also continue to heal myself. Feel guilty by association I guess. I don't know... this one is hard. Feel like I've exposed myself and my daughter to some risk simply because I'm trying to work out my own shit.

Could have gone a lifetime without meeting this type of person .....feel like my healing is the only reason I have met him. Why do I have to worry about trust when that's all I'm trying to find.

I'm lost once again, after finding so much in my journey, it feels like I took a couple steps back again. I just felt so safe talking about this shit with others on the same path but now I see that some of us on the same path are the exact same people I'm trying to avoid.

This is not related to this site in any way.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#192546 - 11/25/07 12:11 AM Re: Hard topic [Re: mogigo]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Larry?

_________________________
Thriving

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#192555 - 11/25/07 01:31 AM Re: Hard topic [Re: mogigo]
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
So often I find that these situations develop because the boundaries and limits disrupted [or even destroyed] by our perps keep putting us at risk again and again today. As long as we are aware of our boundaries (safety, etc.) we can move forward i our own journey.

What I do in situations like this is to re-direct myself back to the reasons I am here - MY recovery. When I get caught being too involed in - enmeshed with - too close emotionally- etc. I lose what I need [and this can still occur even after my years in recovery], I need to think of myself first. I need to get myself to a safe and stable situation.[PLEASE READ ON DON'T STOP HERE].

Then if I can, I find somebody who can address the other person [be it a moderator here, etc.] or another person outside the site. I can not help the other person if I am getting lost on the journey myself. If in helping him, I lose myself...I have nothing left to give!!

Hope this gave you some help, hope and/or direction!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#192559 - 11/25/07 01:48 AM Re: Hard topic [Re: ScottyTodd]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mike,

It sounds like the misrepresentation you are talking about is serious and troubling to you, otherwise you would not be posting about it. I understand your need to keep things general.

The problem with these pretensions is that with time they get worse, not better, and those who go along with them tend to get sucked in deeper and deeper. This can lead to many innocent people getting hurt because eventually, when the cheat is detected - and it usually is - it will look like they were "in on it".

As Howard suggests, I would steer clear of this guy. You can say you bear him no ill will and you understand he has needs too, but you can also say that where your recovery is concerned you can't put his needs above your own. This isn't a selfish thing to say; it's a practical consideration. Hanging on will just drain away your resources and distract you, and you should also ask yourself this: "How can I be strong for anyone else when my ability to be strong for myself is being undermined?"

The plain fact is that it was wrong of this guy to put you in this spot in the first place, and it's even more wrong for him to expect you to remain there now that you know.

If you wish, Mike, PM me or another moderator and we can discuss this by PMs or in chat. You can rely on our discretion and perhaps that would enable you to speak in somewhere more specific detail.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#192577 - 11/25/07 06:04 AM Re: Hard topic [Re: roadrunner]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Mike,

There are two things to think of here. 1) You are discovering the difference between a perp and a survivor. I think you already knew, but that knowledge has to be refreshed every once in awhile. Since you are so vague, and understandably so, I think you have to asked yourself a question here. Are you being perped or violated right now? 2) The best way to prevent others from being perped is to get those who might be perps help.

The fact that you are struggling with this says a lot about your character.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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