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#192016 - 11/20/07 08:16 PM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa [Re: Candy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
I'm glad to hear that Candy and I'm sorry if I alarmed you unnecessarily. Just the thought of kids maybe being in trouble makes my hair stand on end. It's good you're being vigilant. Keep it up.

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#192330 - 11/23/07 06:07 AM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa [Re: Candy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Candy,

All this mess is placing an intolerable burden on your children. The 11 yo, for example, will not understand what abuse is yet and may simply be protecting his dad because he doesn't want to lose him. The younger boy, though, is in my way too young to be making this stuff up; kids that young simply are not to the point where they would think up games involving erections and the "tickling" of penises.

I think your kids both need to see a child psychologist as a mater of urgency. Those people are pros and will know how to talk to the boys and get to the bottom of all this.

And as usual I'm with Trish on the lie detector angle. Saying he will take a test doesn't cut it; let's see him actually do it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#192398 - 11/23/07 11:01 PM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa [Re: roadrunner]
Candy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 12
Roadrunner, thank you.

The 11 year old knows what sexual abuse is. We have discussed all that stuff extensively. However, I would not be so sure that he would not continue to protect his father, although he always tells me about the drinking, porn he finds, etc. But no matter what, he loves his daddy alot...and may protect him whatever.

I am going to a counselor tomorrow, and then after i see him he will see my son (the 11 year old). I am having a hard time finding a counselor for my 3 year old that I can afford. He has started wetting his bed again too.

My BIG question is this....WHY OH WHY do my kids STILL want to see their dad ? After all this , and many other things, why would either of them ever want to talk to him again ???

Candy


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#192404 - 11/23/07 11:56 PM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa [Re: Candy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Candy,

Your 11-year-old may "know" about good touch/bad touch and things like that, but still, 11 is way too young for a boy to understand the impact of abuse or to have any appreciation of what it means, or even what sex itself is all about.

Both boys want to continue to see their Dad for exactly this reason: they don't appreciate the enormity of what's happening. So far as they can tell, it's normal for a Dad to drink, leave porn laying around, and mess around sexually with his children. It's what they see, what they know - it seems okay because they have no experience against which to compare it. So far as they can see, he's their Dad and that's the end of the story. They trust him and think he would never harm them.

It's vital that your older boy see the counselor and I'm sure this will help him, though in the short term you shouldn't expect that he will be cooperative. It's VERY hard for a boy to admit that someone he needs and loves is betraying and harming him; he will most likely deny that anything bad is happening and feel angry at first that someone dares to try to turn him against his Dad. If that happens, it won't be your son being difficult - it will be your son being 11.

The younger boy wetting the bed is probably also related to this. A counselor would have to help you out here, but my first thought is that this is stress-related and reflects his feelings that something is wrong. It's also a cry for help.

Good luck as you go through all this and try to be strong for yourself. You won't have strength to offer the boys if you don't first have it for Candy. And do talk about things here whenever you can - it does help and at least you won't feel so isolated and alone.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#192512 - 11/24/07 08:35 PM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa [Re: Candy]
Candy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 12
Thank you very much. I guess I can understand what you are saying about the kids loving their dad too much to fully comprehend what is going on. I dont know if I should keep talking to the older one about it, or just let it go till he sees a counselor.

This is hard. Their are times my stress level is so high I can hardly believe I am functioning. But I DO hold it together real well for the boys. I know I have to. I dont have a choice. If that stupid man is really hurting my boys, if I EVER hear the 11 year old say, ya, soemthing is going on, then I will worry about myself. But right now I am more worried about them. They are my everything. And I know for a fact if this is happening with the older one that it will be something he will never get over entirely...

Thanks alot Larry.
Candy


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