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#192361 - 11/23/07 11:44 AM Reminicing of old family movies...not so sweet
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Yesterday we had our families at our home. My mom and Grandma along with my BF's parents. As of now and I suspect for the rest of his life I will be the sole person he will have disclosed to minus his T. I could be wrong but I'd safely bet he won't go further than me and tell anyone else. Anyway, with the family stuffed and resting before dessert, my bf's father asks if we would want to watch some very old footage of him (the dad) growing up. My bf's abuser was his adopted uncle (his father's brother). I cringed! What if Uncle ________ was in these photo's.

I whispered to my bf telling him he's got to find something to do without disrespecting his Dad if his uncle appears in this video. He agreed. Well we were saved in the fact that we no longer have a VHS recorder only a DVD. I told him someone must have been watching over him and keeping him safe.

Trust me though when I tell you this will resurface again and it won't be in the comfort of our home, maybe over Christmas at his family's home.

Any suggestions on how to avoid this. My bf's father is a wonderful man and very sensitive guy, he would be devistated to know of his brother and the abuse. My bf would would never disrespect his dad and walk out of the room and not come back.

what to do???

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#192382 - 11/23/07 03:12 PM Re: Reminicing of old family movies...not so sweet [Re: Agape Girl]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I wish I knew. These issues are complicated esp. when family are involved. I face a similar situation. Since the only ones who know is the abused and the abuser and implications would tear apart the family and there is no proof just our word against theres, we my close siblings and I tend to stay close. We are all so much older and he is in his 60s in bad health he is no longer a threat to us.
My aunt would never believe us anyway even if we had told. We know what he is and are able to work through whatever happened in times we have together if it comes up.
I wish I had some wisdom on this to share Agape but as you see your not alone and it is quite a situation.
peace & Blessings
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ô¿ô_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#192403 - 11/23/07 11:45 PM Re: Reminicing of old family movies...not so sweet [Re: GateKPR4]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
I guess wisdom and strength in ample supply are required on this one. I'm really at a loss what to say or suggest. Certainly if your bf is in danger of being badly triggered he needs to be able to take care of himself in some way. Definitely suggest that he talk to his T about it. Some constructive suggestions could be forthcoming on that front.

In my opinion it would be well if he would speak up and ask for what he needs. He wouldn't have to say why he feels he cannot watch the movies, but I believe it would give him a real boost by being able to say "Dad, I really don't feel I can talk about it, but at the same time I don't think I can watch these. Can you trust me on this one please?" If his father is as kind a man as he seems to be that should be sufficient. Of course that may not be possible for any number of reasons, but It would seem to me if he could see his way clear to do it, it would be a big boost to his recovery. The T would probably know if that would be a good idea or no.

Like Rick, I wish you both blessings and peace.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#192423 - 11/24/07 05:04 AM Re: Reminicing of old family movies...not so sweet [Re: WalkingSouth]
easterneurope Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 60
Loc: eastern europe
I completely agree with walking south. Be honest, sensitive and firm. He'll either support your decision ot he won't.

_________________________


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#192485 - 11/24/07 03:40 PM Re: Reminicing of old family movies...not so sweet [Re: easterneurope]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
I appreicate your replies....it is a tricky situation, I had a thought of just asking either his mom or dad flat out, "So tell me who's starring in this family video...anyone I know or don't know". Although my bf and I have known each other for 11 years we have only been a couple for the past 4 so there are family member's I have never met. Or as Walkingsouth had suggested, by having my bf set his boundaries, he could just as much ask his dad who's in the video from the past. I believe that could still give him a sense of control/boundaries and that step forward. Am I right? Little steps are still steps in themselves, and that's what we're hoping to accomplish.

I do thank you for your thoughts!

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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