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#191912 - 11/19/07 04:44 PM Healing moment, really great
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Hi guys,

I致e just had an astonishing experience of healing that I wanted to share with you.

Last week something came up that caused me to take a deep look at myself. I felt I had to explain to myself some of my behavior with porn. Briefly, every so often when I知 really sad or anxious I look at gay porn. This makes me feel very strange and almost exactly like the feelings I remember from being molested, that exact complicated pleasure anxiety combination I知 sure many of you know, too. My internal fantasy life (without porn) also has none of me in it, just repetitions of stories that make the whole thing go quicker but also make me feel vaguely bad.

So last week I had to think about this, and I felt like I had to explain it (in fact I talked about it very openly with a friend, who was very understanding). I知 sure you can imagine how hard it was to let all of this out.

Here痴 what I saw: I saw that I had been literally stuck without a sexuality of my own in the long time of being molested. That I had created a shell around myself of images and words that always kept me abused and vulnerable and ashamed. I was afraid of hidden things inside myself because of the experiences which I couldn稚 explain. They made me terribly unsure of my sexuality. When I was asked if I was gay or straight, there was always this difficult response, something like 的 think I知 straight, which always gets a 塗ow is it possible you don稚 know? And then me with an uncomfortable shame of not being willing to explain my way of being.

The real answer to this question is that I never had a sexuality of my own. I have lived my whole sexual life in the shadow of the abuse, essentially recreating it each time I needed to have sexual release. And so I reiterate over and over the feeling of being molested. I have now done this so often that I am jaded to it, and so I can relieve the pressure with only a minor tremor of 堵oing back there, and then on the rare times that I use the porn, there is a small recovery period because I have really gone back to the darkest times in my life.

Because this has happened for so long, I have learned to see in the dark, and so I no longer really know the darkness is there, except again in those brief moments of looking at porn. Also my life in general is very 塗appy. And I only put the quotes there because I know there is an even better kind of happiness free of all of this that is waiting for me.

So in many parts of my life I have recovered from the pain of abuse. But sexuality is so present in life, whether we want it to be or not, that this recent experience has shown me how far there is yet to go. My sexual reticence has to be general human reticence, too, since human beings are sexual animals and respond to one other痴 offerings both of coldness and warmth. I need to learn to be available in whatever way my unmolested self would be available, to friends and lovers both, unafraid.

I will learn to be healthy in that part of my life as in all other parts.

I can稚 tell you how terrifying this realization was at first. But I will face whatever fears I have and I will come through the experience whole. I will never allow this aspect of my abuse to control me in any way again.

I will get some counseling probably (if I can find someone good in my area), and mostly I will use mindfulness meditation on a daily basis to eliminate the habits of mind. The mindfulness exercise will be something like: whenever I feel any of these old habits returning, I will simply look them straight in the eye and say: 努arped thinking and let it go. If the thoughts come back I will continue to face them and say nothing more than 努arped thinking and let it go. If I have to put banners all over my house to remind me of my mission, I will. I will get this done. I will no longer have those warped thoughts shaping me.

It will take some time, I know, but I also know this technique works. I have faced these demons, and I feel much stronger than ever before. The only power they ever had over me was power I gave them. I can give it: I can also take it away.

This may be one of the most exciting weeks in my life. I知 a little scared, like a kid looking out the door at a new neighborhood and wondering who he値l meet. I have no guideposts on dating, virtually no experience whatsoever of sex or love. I知 scared, but I知 facing the fears. The weirdest part in some ways is that my abuse started before puberty, so I have no experience to go on, even of masturbation, from before the abuse. I値l have to discover an entirely new way of life. Basically I致e just hit puberty for real at 42! ;\) .

I am walking out from the house of my abuse, and I will never live there again.

I wish you could see the smile on my face. The sky of my being is the brightest blue it痴 ever been.

Danny



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#191977 - 11/20/07 07:40 AM Re: Healing moment, really great [Re: DannyT]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Danny,
This post should be given a sticker. It's exactly what so many of us struggle with every day. You iterated the situation perfectly and your coping mechanism is dead on. It's taken you a long time to get to this point. Thanks for sharing your story.
Paul


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#191989 - 11/20/07 11:14 AM Re: Healing moment, really great [Re: Paul1959]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Hi Paul,

Thanks for your kind words. I was wondering what people thought and hoping for some feedback. Sometimes even after all these years you think that you're going it alone. I'm glad the ideas seem right.

Danny


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#192116 - 11/21/07 12:43 PM Re: Healing moment, really great [Re: DannyT]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Danny,
I have to compliment you on your writing skills...you have a real gift. You basically have summarized my exact feelings, when I have been unable to find the exact words.

I think you give hope to many and show us that even in the darkness there are still glimmers of hope.

I truly appreciate your positive attitude and outlook. I think we all suffer from periods of beating ourselves up. It is nice to read words of encouragement and success stories.

God Bless you...and your recovery.

Dan M.


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#192327 - 11/23/07 05:55 AM Re: Healing moment, really great [Re: DannyT]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Danny,

Originally Posted By: DannyT
This may be one of the most exciting weeks in my life. I知 a little scared, like a kid looking out the door at a new neighborhood and wondering who he値l meet. I have no guideposts on dating, virtually no experience whatsoever of sex or love. I知 scared, but I知 facing the fears. The weirdest part in some ways is that my abuse started before puberty, so I have no experience to go on, even of masturbation, from before the abuse. I値l have to discover an entirely new way of life. Basically I致e just hit puberty for real at 42! ;\) .

I am walking out from the house of my abuse, and I will never live there again.

I wish you could see the smile on my face. The sky of my being is the brightest blue it痴 ever been.


This is all so wonderful and I'm so happy for you, really. As another guy who learned everything about sex from the abuser this sort of thing has troubled me too, but perhaps without allowing me to see it with the clarity you enjoy. I must think about this further.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#192336 - 11/23/07 06:30 AM Re: Healing moment, really great [Re: roadrunner]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
boy--------Danny-------------this is great---------------i can relate to so much of it-------thanks----------------steve


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#192370 - 11/23/07 01:42 PM Re: Healing moment, really great [Re: sabata]
thesun3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/06/07
Posts: 49
Hi Danny, your words helped me realize that I'm not alone and that there is hope. I too have made a few tenative steps out of the "darkness" and to my surprise...not everyone out there is out to get me...in fact...I've discovered that most people are OK. I have found that my communication skills are rusty...sometimes I stutter or mix words up...but like alot of you here, I've struggled with my abuse in silence for so long. I need to practice more. I'm 45, and just learning to trust again... Keep Smiling Danny! and Thanks

_________________________
In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
Camus

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