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#192057 - 11/21/07 05:09 AM Dont know what to do
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
I ams seeing a counsellor and on meds for depression, now ive got an appointment with the primary mental health care nurse for an assesment. This appointment is for Thursday and im dreading it.
I will have to talk about my abuse and all the problems that im having. It has taken me about ten visits to the counsellor to open up to him. Ive dissed on him and broke a chair in his office, now ive got to talk to a mental health nurse and im scared. What happens if i diss on her or become violent. Ive been sectioned once before.
Ive kept away from ms because ive been going through paranoid feelings, one minute im ok then the nexted i get stressed and very paranoid. I did not want to drop all my shit on you at ms.
Im trying to keep a lid on my thoughts and emotions. I dont want to feel like this anymore.
Sorry for rambling, but my life is very stressed, i told my doctor that the meds are doing nothing for me and he just put me on another month of the same meds.


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#192075 - 11/21/07 07:33 AM Re: Dont know what to do [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Just got back from my counsellors office, he had phoned in sick just before i got there and there was no one else i could see. I had prepared myself to talk to him about something and now its going round and round in my head.


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#192077 - 11/21/07 07:42 AM Re: Dont know what to do [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
Well things seem to have worked out at least for now.
Do you tell the counselor or the nurse about your concerns regarding your behavior up front and ask for advice? DO you think that might help?
I will try to log into the chat room today if you need to talk or just want company.
~Raul

_________________________
______________________________________________
Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

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#192087 - 11/21/07 09:18 AM Re: Dont know what to do [Re: rcm]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Hey,

Anger is a very powerful emotion and one hard to deal with. I know I still have issues with it from time to time. As for you seeing this nurse for an eval and haveing to open up about your abuse and such. You might try writeing it down in a letter format and just let her read it. Might even be able to drop it off before hand and then she's up to speed and keep you from haveing to talk about it for the first time. Thats what I hate about the first time visits.. haveing to re-tell my story.

Best of luck to you man ^5's and know we are here for you. If you post whats going on it isnt "dumping" it's getting support from men who understand where you are and what your going through. Yes it's impossable at times, been there done that. But know we do understand and we do care. Share what you can, when you can.

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#192582 - 11/25/07 06:57 AM Re: Dont know what to do [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Seven,

Originally Posted By: SEVEN ARROWS
Ive kept away from ms because ive been going through paranoid feelings, one minute im ok then the nexted i get stressed and very paranoid. I did not want to drop all my shit on you at ms.


Sometimes we just need to vent, bro. We need to let it out in whatever way it tumbles onto the page. Please do feel you can trust us to understand when you need to do this - we have all been there.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#192654 - 11/25/07 05:03 PM Re: Dont know what to do [Re: roadrunner]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
I went to the meeting on Thursday and saw the primary mental health care nurse. It lasted for just over an hour, and i had written a letter detailing the abuse and what is going on in my life. This was in the hope that i did not have to say it out loud.
She read it, then she asked me questions about my family and life and i tried to answer and talk to her but i was having a hard time with the questions. I thought hold it together and i will get through this and get help.
I nearly lost it a couple of times, but she gave me time to get it together and i pushed on because i thought at last here is someone that can help me with so many problems.
Then i had to have a break and hid in the toilet for about fifteen minutes.
I went back into the office and she said that she is putting me on another waiting list. Then i would be on the books of a psychiatrist who would be my counselor and take over my meds. So im on another list, more waiting time.
She said i needed long term help and she is sorry but i will have to go through this again when i meet the shrink.
The meds the doctor gave me are not working. Ive been on them for two months now. When i told my doctor that they are not working he just gave me some more and said give it time.
I am finding it very hard to leave the flat, im going from being very happy to being paranoid and down. This happens to me all the time.
I cant use the phone and talking to people is hard. It just goes on and on getting worse.


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#192730 - 11/26/07 03:51 PM Re: Dont know what to do [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
Are you seeing someone in the meantime or do you have to wait until the new doctor can see you?

_________________________
______________________________________________
Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

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#192733 - 11/26/07 04:09 PM Re: Dont know what to do [Re: rcm]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Seven:
So hard to do all the waiting between appointment, In my case, after they, (doctors and nurses) ask if I am suicidal or not, they make a guy wait for weeks to get in to see some one. I have found help in journaling when I am down and out. It helps to write down how I feel and at least get my thoughts on paper. Also if you are into reading there is so comfort in that for me. It is a tough struggle but I am finding out it is worth it.
Good luck man.

I really feel for ya.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#192785 - 11/27/07 05:58 AM Re: Dont know what to do [Re: KENKEN]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
rcm
Yes im seeing a counselor and a doctor, but when i see the psychiatrist i will have to start from the beginning again. As the psychiatrist will be taking over from my counselor and doctor.

KENKEN
I have brought a book and i keep trying to write a journal, but i just stare at the page and end up writing nothing. Yesterday i got a letter informing me that im not entitled to income support benefit and i now have to make a fresh claim, but this time apply for incapacity benefit. Ive already waited two months without money and now i dont know how much longer i have to wait.
All this shit being bumped from one person to another and waiting for the right benefit is making things so hard. I feel like just getting away from everything and hiding. I know it will not do any good, but its so hard just sitting here with the paranoia, diss, and im having problems leaving the flat, but i have to wait until my doctor gets back off his holiday before i can see him.
I try to keep going and try to keep it together, but its getting harder as the weeks go on.


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#192799 - 11/27/07 10:21 AM Re: Dont know what to do [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
WELL NOW ITS OFFICIAL.

I have been told that im not entitled to income support, and now im not entitled to incapacity benefit. So no money, no home, endgame.

I am seeing a counselor. Ive lost my job due to mental health problems. My doctor has signed me off work for the long term. Im on medication for depression. The mental health primary care nurse has put me on the waiting list for a physciatrist, and in her words i have ''long term mental health problems arising from the long term abuse i suffered as a child.

But hey fuck you says the state, no money for you...........


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#192944 - 11/28/07 08:30 AM Re: Dont know what to do [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Seven,

I would take your case immediately to the CAB and see what they suggest. It's incredible that a guy in your situation should be abandoned like this.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#192974 - 11/28/07 10:59 AM Re: Dont know what to do [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
I am very sorry to hear this.
Do you have someone close that you can at least talk to about this? A brother or friend or someone?
When our basic needs threatened, it is difficult to think clearly.
If you don't, I suggest you use this board and the chat room at least to talk and think out loud. Don't stay alone.
I'll try to log in to the chat room as often as I can.

_________________________
______________________________________________
Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

Top
#192995 - 11/28/07 01:17 PM Re: Dont know what to do [Re: rcm]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
SA,

Try to calm down in several ays and talk to someone whom you know well and trust. People help. I think there coud be a bueraucracy mistake or fault, so more effort put in is an option, to my mind.

Take care,
Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#193249 - 11/30/07 04:22 PM Re: Dont know what to do [Re: alexey]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
I no longer know what to do, i look at the place i am in. All i see is that i opened up and told of my shame and disgust of the abuse in my childhood.
People listened and said kind words, some showed me how to feel again.
I was scared but i told all the details of a lot of what happened when i was a child. I let myself become vulnerable.
now the state has said that im not entitled to any monetary help.
So because i opened up and displayed my inner hurt and shame. I am finding it hard to function and cant face the people on the street.
I am listening to a song that sums up were i am. Its Linkin Park, ''In the end''.

'' I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it dosent even matter''.

Sounds like my life, do i carry on and wait till i see the psychiatrist and try to sort all this out.

Or does it really matter.


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#193279 - 12/01/07 01:22 AM Re: Dont know what to do [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Seven,

It does matter indeed, and yes, I hope you will continue with therapy and let your T help you. And as I suggested earlier, please do go to the Citizens' Advice Bureau and see what they say about financial assistance and the options that are open to you.

When things get rough it's always a big temptation to just give up. That's what we did in childhood, because we really did have no options at all. But as adults we just have to keep telling ourselves that we are worth it and that we deserve whatever help we can get.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#193315 - 12/01/07 09:54 AM Re: Dont know what to do [Re: roadrunner]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Because my wife works two days a week and earns a few pounds over the benefit limit, i am not entitled to any benefit. Ive spoke with so many people at the benefit office and they all say the same thing. My wife earns too much and works more hours than the limit set by the unemployment office.
I have enough money for all the bills at the end of this month, after that i dont know what is going to happen.
Ive also sent my mum another letter this time it goes into more detail about my childhood abuse. Still waiting after two weeks for a reply.
I have reached the point were im shutting down again, its easier than having to deal with all the memories and flashbacks. I hope by shutting down this will stop me dissing and losing time.

If by going backwards is the only way to shut out the pain i feel and take away the shame, then thats what i must do. I just cant keep going along with all this and with money worries on top. My marriage is tottering on the brink of chaos. I just dont want all this anymore.
For the first time in my life i dont know who or what i am, so many thoughts shouting for attention in my head. I just want to hide and disappear from the world.


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#193367 - 12/01/07 05:37 PM Re: Dont know what to do [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
onthenet Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/25/07
Posts: 10
You'll probably never read this post. I read "Why" then went back to old posts. Saw this one. My fingers starting strolling across my laptop and this is what came out.

You're not American. And yet your story is the same as mine. Not in particular aspects. But in wanting it to stop. The memories I mean. The emotional charge of being violated and wishing you had done something about it with your adult mind. But not taking into account where you were. The mind of a child. Is so malleable. It is plastic and putty and puppy dog tails. The words that mean so much to you like "Abuse" "Rights" "Coward" meant nowhere near the same thing as you were a tot.

I don't say that you don't have a right to be mad. Even at yourself but if you forgive yourself for being human you'll be able to forgive everyone else. Not that you think that what happened was OK just that you want to open yourself up to all that you are really capable of and your abuser is in the way. Does he get to win forever? I hope not. Because if he can beat you then he can get me too. I want us to stand together and say I move beyond what I thought was OK then and move into what's OK right now. Can you do that? I hope so...

Because I'm praying for you...

Peace...


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#193402 - 12/02/07 04:13 AM Re: Dont know what to do [Re: onthenet]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Thank-you onthenet

Forgiveness, now that's a hard word to even say let alone be able to forgive either myself or my abusers. Since letting down the barriers and allowing myself to feel, all hell has broken loose. I want to move on but with all the problems im going through its hard to move on.
My doctor and counselor told me to open up and try and say what happened, ive only been able to say a tiny bit of what happened to me for 11 to 12 years.
But i tried and did as my doctor and counselor said, now its like the state has turned its back on me, all them wasted years in the army and home office count for nothing. If i cant work because of mental health issues and i cant get help with living costs. I dont know what to do. This is putting a hell of a strain on my marriage, many times ive thought about just going out the door and never coming back.
Sorry if this sounds negative but its how my life is, going nowhere and standing still but going backwards at the same time. Ive been awake for three days now, as the sleep problems are getting worse and i do not want to sleep. Most of the time i dont sleep for more than a couple of hours per night. Thankyou for praying for me, i dont know if it will do any good but thankyou.


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