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#192029 - 11/20/07 10:56 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: Brokenhearted]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
beccy,

You raise an interesting topic when you question how he could be so false and untruthful. I think this topic was discussed in F&F a year or so back with some interesting contributions to the subject.

I can relate to what Indygal was saying. I was raised in a situation where it wasn't safe to share with my parents what was going on. Deception was a way of life with me. It was necessary to stay safe from abusive discipline that was sure to come if they found out what I was involved in, not to mention attempting to stay safe from the older teen neighbor kid who was abusing me. That habit didn't stop just because I grew up and became a married adult. It's taken some real work to build trust with my wife after some of the untruths I've told her over the years.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#192078 - 11/21/07 07:58 AM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: WalkingSouth]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
So, my bf has been out, had sex with a man, done the therapy journey thing, had another T session....


He said he can't tell me what he wants. He says he doesn't know if he wants to go and have sex with a man again or not. He tells me he knows he loves me, but this path he is on he can do nothing about. He said he knows he has no right, but he wants me to keep an open door. He says it is obvious he is very confused. I asked him why he is not choosing to face the repressed memories and fully disclose the abuse with the teacher. His theory is that he's not avoided it on purpose, it just 'hasn't come up in session'.


He is choosing for us to be seperated. My heart is utterly utterly broken. I told him I would have stayed with him, I had made my choice.


Everything I've done and all the efforts I have put into this have been in vain. I have no idea what I can believe of anything he's ever told me. I feel so shaken right now. We are seperated officially. I have to keep repeating it to myself to check it's true. Has everything been a lie? He says it hasn't.


I just feel I don't know who he is anymore. And now i have to try and pick up all the scattered pieces of myself and find out who I am at the end of all this. The level of devastation I feel right now is impossible to put into words.


I said we need to think about what to do about christmas. He said maybe things won't be the same by then.


I said if I don't meet anyone else who I feel seriously about, then perhaps there'd be a chance for us to try again, but he'd given me no reason to save myself for the sake of keeping an open door. He has lied to me, withheld himself from me, been unkind to me. I'm not sure what kind of a love that indicates anyway.


Going now.


peace
Beccy


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#192102 - 11/21/07 11:19 AM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: beccy]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Beccy,
Ah, my dear, I am sorry.
I know it hurts.
{{{{{Beccy}}}}}
This is a tough time of year to have things go so awry, too.
I'm not going to tell you that it's for the best, or that you should cheer up. Maybe you'll come to feel that way; maybe not. But I am going to encourage you to take care of yourself, and to feel what you feel. At the same time--and this is the important point--let your feelings pass through you. You are your feelings, sure, but you are not only your feelings. If you let them run their course, without being stuck about whether you "should" feel them or not, then you'll arrive at what's next more peacefully. And feelings alone should not dictate action.
This may be more practical than you want to be right now, but I encourage you to think about the economic and legal rights you have as mother to your two children together (at least). I don't know what protections you have for yourselves during this time, but I hope that there are ways to require your bf to support your children to adulthood at an appropriate rate, and perhaps to support you as well until the children are school-aged. I have a feeling that some of your social supports in the UK are better there than they are here, but at the same time I would not be surprised if single mothers were not also unfairly disadvantaged there too.
And, unfortunately, men with what seem to be urgent issues are not always deeply responsible toward their children.
So please be proactive on your children's account, if you can't see it for your own. It's also a good way to expend your efforts, to feel as though you are taking some positive steps on your own behald.
I'll be sending my best wishes.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#192136 - 11/21/07 05:02 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: honey girl]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thankyou for your kind reply Honeygirl.


It was good for me to see see my T tonight. A real source of support.


I am just grieving so badly at the moment. I know it will pass, but right now the feelings are just so heavy, you know? I keep replaying me asking him if he loved me and him saying he did but that didn't change the fact he was on this journey. How can he say that and that he knows he loves me and wants to be with me? I have never been so confused in my entire life.


So, I suppose gradually this confusion will die down in my mind, as our lives become more seperate. I just can't believe this is what he wants. I am so in shock.


peace
Beccy


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#192201 - 11/22/07 12:27 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: Brokenhearted]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Beccy,

When I read your post...it made me SO sad. I have been through a lot in my life, left to raise 2 kids by myself as my first husband had an affair with another woman, then ended up taking his own life when his 2nd marriage was not working out. (By the way...his 2nd marriage was not with the woman who he had the affair with during our marriage. It is strange to me how some people make decisions in life that affect so many other people in BAD ways, and then when they get what they truly think they want, they don't want it anyway!) It is too bad that people can not and do not take the time to think about the consequences of their behavior before acting out! I guess it is all a part of living in this world of sin that we live in and not being able to say NO to temptations and I find that totally sad! Another day, another time on that subject alone!!

Anyway, my point here is that I had been a stay at home mom and found myself in a position that I had to support 2 kids and myself by myself....and I had 2 choices, to either pull myself up by the boot straps and make something of our lives or cave into his ways and let his ruination ruin me! With the love and support of my family, friends and my loving God, I found the strength to raise my kids and now have 2 grown wonderful children and a granddaughter that I am very proud of...and yes...we do have our times and our battles surrounding our divorce and his suicide, but I am proud of me for taking a stand and vowing to try to make a difference in their lives, and I believe I have.

So, all I can do is encourage you to live your life for you and those kids! I believe it is very important to raise kids in as healthy of an environment as is possible. Your BF has the same choices that you have, and I do not believe that adults should continue to use their past as excuses for their present behaviors. After all, we have all had crosses to bear in our childhoods, some worse and some better than others.

You sound like a wonderful person and I can tell that you have so much love inside of you. More love and understanding than it sounds like you are getting out of this relationship. You are so much more deserving. I truly believe that you will find the strength to pull yourself up by the boot straps as I did. And you will NEVER regret what you did for you or your children.

May God Bless You!


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#192354 - 11/23/07 09:30 AM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: Lou]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Lou, thankyou for your reply, you sure sound like a very strong woman. I am so sorry to hear about your ex-husband, but it's good you stayed standing.



So, last night after putting the kids to bed(thankfully he's still here for them and we've been able to arrange plans reguarding them on a day by day basis), he came in the room I was sitting in and asked if it was ok to talk. (The day before i had told him he needed to know he was losing me and he'd made his choice prefectly clear and now he could go and enjoy it. I had also set a few boundaries as far as just how often he keeps being here, like as if things are still the same or somthing. I had told him we need to arrange things between us with the kids so that i don;t have to spend any time around him, since I can't bear to be near him feeling this way.) So, last night, he sits down and says to me, he's not staying round the corner just so he can shag around. He just wanted me to know that. He said he's confused, and can't commit to the relationsip right now. I told him since we are now officially seperated, it is no longer my concern who or if he is/isn't sleeping with. I said the reason I can't be around him is because I am grieving and it hurts too much. He seemed to question why i would be grieving stating that nothing was 'finalised'. I asked him why he even came in to talk to me. I got very upset again and he left.


It seems I can't even grieve in peace. How dare he continue to invade my space in this way? In some ways it seems like he is a man flexing his muscles of power and choice. He also seems well and truly split off from the total devastation of this whole thing. He is truly detached.



But enough about HIM. WHAT ABOUT ME????????????? I bloody well told him there's no place for his sexual identity issue in this relationship. I tolerated it the best i could, but NO MORE. And still he invades my space with trying to share 'what he's going through'. I tell you, I AM NOT FUCKING INTERESTED. Would I be interested if this was about other women??????? I dont bloody well think so and I can no longer see what the difference is. Hell, what DO other desires mean? They EXIST, that's what they mean. The fact that his is to do with the opposite sex just twists the knife more deeply, especially for me considering my own past.


Oh I can see now, this has all happened since i took a few more risks and really made it clear I was here for the long haul. So, it could be he's panicked and has been finally forced to face his own choices, but I'LL BE DAMNED if I'll continue to let him break my boundaries in the process. First he has lied to me, and tried to justify it by saying he thought he'd find an answer to all this, alongside trivialising it and calling it 'only sex' and trying to place the responsibilty on my shoulders for not being able to share with me just how strong his other desires are and his fear of losing me. I tell you, if he has felt he could not be open and honest, perhaps that shows that he didn't actually want a relatsionship with ME? Did he consider any of this?


I am NOT going to appologise for being myself, or my own past, or my honesty. If he doesn't want me, so be it, but at least i can say I've been myself. If you don't share, you don't find out, it's a simple as that. I really don't think he has realised HIS OWN choices in all of this and just how hurt and betrayed I really feel. I had asked him if he was satisfied with our sex and if he was being honest about what he wanted. I had expressed my feelings as they came up. I took those risks and stepped up to those challenges and it seems to me, he's been the one choosing NOT to. So, how dare he be so cold towards me and pass comment on my repsonse to this whole current shock.


FUCK HIM


Let him flex his muscles and feel his own power, but what if he then wants to return??? Has he considered the total mess and devastation and the effects this final blow has had on me? I mean I'm only just holding myself together here. I feel so lied to about our intimacy, it has shocked me to the core. The whole thing has shocked me. My T said I am very badly traumatised. He looked at me in disbelief when I told him that.


He knows that I need to know I mean more to him than this other thing and I can't believe he has treated me with such low reguard over this and tried to use it against me. And now he tries to tell me nothing's finalised. Does he want to just fuck with my mind?


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#192358 - 11/23/07 10:54 AM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: Lou]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Beccy,

Reading through this thread shows me once again how futile the situation can sometimes be for our partners. You have gone way beyond the extra mile in trying to support him, even to the extent of tolerating an experiment (if that's what it was) with another man. You have been supportive and understanding and have set aside some very basic needs of your own, and still he persists in lying to you.

Quite beyond that, he is entirely engulfed in his own pain, suffering and laments for his lost childhood and youth, as if these should for some reason cancel out each and every one of your own concerns. He seems to have lost sight of the fact that a relationship is about TWO people meeting their own needs and those of their partner together.

I do have to say this is something that happens a lot among survivors, including myself. I just didn't see what my situation was doing to my relationship with my wife, and in fact what brought me into the picture was reading and posting here in F&F. As I began to get a clearer idea of how things looked to the partners here I was absolutely shocked at how oblivious I had been.

The simple truth here is that no one in a relationship has the right to scrap the concerns of their partner because "I am on my journey". That's bullshit, and the message is "I want you to wait around forever on the off-chance I may sort this out." I can't imagine why any partner should buy into that in the first place, and especially not if there are children in the picture. It sounds like you have given him every chance to at least offer some scenario for working towards a solution, but he seems unwilling or unable to take any step at all in that direction.

If that's how it is, then of course you have to move on. I spend a lot of time here telling guys "It's not your fault", and I think this is a truth you need to accept as well. Beccy, you are a victim of his abuser as much as he is and that's not fair. But it genuinely looks like the options open to you in this relationship will only result in more turmoil and instability, and in that case maybe it's time to think of your kids and start over. I wish I had something more positive to say.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#192362 - 11/23/07 12:36 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: roadrunner]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Beccy,

The strength that I read in your last post is absolutely amazing in such a short time! I am SO very proud of you!

Thank you for thinking of me as a strong woman, and yes, I guess I am that. But when we have young ones lives at heart....as loving mothers....I don't think we are given any other choice.

As for the situation you have been in, it is very hard to accept that the man that you love has decided to entertain with other men, I know, I too am living that very same thing in my life.

The one thing that I do know is that no matter how much you love someone, and no matter how good/bad your relationship or sexual relationship is or has been with that person, never in a million years could you ever, ever fix them! I am just sorry that these individuals could not come to terms with their issues before involving other people's lives and hearts.

As for you, you may find as you seek more strength for you and your children, that your BF may try everything in his power to draw you back in by feeling sorry for him or that he is trying or something of that nature, but I really encourage you to focus on you and your children right now. You are the MOST important things! He will either make it or he won't, and it sounds like it is time for him to make that decision on his own. He may find if and when he comes to a decision to do something that he has lost the most precious things in his life, but unfortunately sometimes that is what it takes for some people, sort of like those addicted to alcohol. But in the meantime, there is no sense of you losing yourself or the right for your children to live as healthy and normal lives as you can give them....they do deserve that and so do you. You never know, God may just put the right man in your life and your children's lives and you may ask yourself someday why you wasted so much time finding him.

I do think that it would be a good idea for sexual abuse survivors to read more of the posts from the family and friends sections. When people make the choices they make, either consciously or unconsciously, it does affect more than just them and they need to understand that BIG time!

Have a blessed day Beccy with your wonderful children, do something fun with each other, you all deserve it!


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#192366 - 11/23/07 01:10 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: Lou]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Beccy,

I've read through this thread a couple of times and have simply been at a loss for words. Finally I realize that maybe I don't really need to "say" anything more than I feel for you in your loss, grief, anger, pain, and heartache. You have my support and that of the rest of the bunch, I'm sure.

It's time to take care of you and those you love.

Safe hugs,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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