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#191644 - 11/16/07 05:44 PM So here I am again....
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
So, here I am, glass of wine in hand, 1 1/2 years of tears and confusion later, bf gone.......


I had to come back here, this has been such a supportive place. My bf lied to me again. For months I have been sensing he's been odd with me, I've been asking him what's up and he's been like, huffing and sighing like as if I never let up and basically in hindsight, treating me quite unkindly. On wednesday I snooped, since I was feeling so confused about everything and found an email reply to a massage ad basically saying(in his words), "was the guy after an erotic massage/therpeutic/both??.....prices, then, "please use discretion(if necessary) since I am married".................well I was so unsure of myself and how to approach it(I can see that's just how confused I have actually become), I phoned my councellor and she was very validating and supportive. So, after having to(once again), put on a brave face and be a good parent to my kids, put them to bed etc....we sat down for an honest conversation. He seemed to be of the opinion that since he can't share with me his desires and the worry over losing me, because of how I'll take it, it is obvious I'll not be satisfied with anything less than certainty from him, so he has to go out to find out what this 'other thing' means to him...he said it's like a great big brick wall between us......I asked him , ok, what were the things he can't share with me? Lay them on the table now then... and he answered the same thing again.....he ran circles round me.........I asked him if he was satisfied with our sex? he said yes, but he just has this other thing in his head and he doesn;t know what it means. I asked him if he was being honest about what sexual things he wanted us to be doing and he said he was......I was wondering if it was more just the act he was after, but he seemed fairly clear about the fact it is a man he wants for that. He seemed to feel justified in his lieing to me, since it is 'my fault' there's a brick wall between us. I specifically said please don't lie to me again.....I said if he felt he needed to go out and do something, please tell me, since I really won't be ok if you lie..........and he has lied anyway. After all this time.

I said to him, how come the fact I've still been here by your side has gone unnoticed?? Through all your identity issues, have I not been here???? How dare he treat me the way he been doing this past few months......how dare he be angry with me when I've been insecure, claiming his "sexuality issue was all sorted since last christmas and why did I not believe him!!!!" He's been angry and I've felt guilty and I have tried time and time again to risk beginning to put myself into fixing this relationship, only to find I am still being liled to and I am still living with someone who seemingly still isn;t actually choosing to have this relationsip.


We have two young children and I have tried to make this work for their sake, but if this is the reality of that 'family', then I see it is no kind of good example to be giving them anyway. He tells me he never lived out his teenage normal developement, so it's a part of what he needs to do. Interesting though, how he seemed to think therefore lying about it was somehow acceptable. I'm no fool, I can accept a person may have to these things, I just would have rather he'd taken ACTUAL responsibility for that and not try and make out I'm the one who's responsible. If it is a choice he needs to make, that's his choice and how dare he deny my right to choose what I want within that frame work? He said he doesn't know what this other thing might mean to him. He doesn't know what the outcome might be.....then he tried to tell me he knows he loves me and wants to be with me........I don't think he knows what loving someone means yet. He told me he was trying to protect our relationship. I asked him what gave him the sole right to make that choice.


I am exausted by this endless shit and it is obvious to me he needs to discover his own power, wherever it's true centre may be. He has to take resposibilty for his choices and accept the consequences. He has to realise they are his choices to make even. He is ike a cowardly adolesecent. I also can see this is his journey and there's a possibility it may go on for some time, I am just in the way and that's exactly how he's been treating me, so I'm trusting my instinct on that. And enough is enough.

Oh yes and not forgetting another way he tried to trivialise the whole thing, by saying "it's just sex, it's not love". I told him not to patronise me with that crap. I understand the difference between 'just sex' and more than just that! And was he trying to make out that shouldn't bother me in some way???? He knew if that's what he wanted to do, he'd have to leave and he lied to me and I felt like I was going crazy....I have so had enough of this shit in my life. If this is the reality of trying to have a family life for my children, it is just going to be worth the struggle to be seperated. And I never thought it would come to that. So , THAT'S how much faith I had. I never truly thought it would come to that. And that goes unnoticed in his eyes.


It's his choice not to share stuff with me.
It's his choice to lie to me.
It's his choice if he wants to go out and have sex with other people.


He needs to accpet that as a fact, in whatever it might mean to him.


And obviously I am broken hearted.

I had said to my councellor, I just felt that if this continued, I'd end up having a heart-attack, and she said, "Interesting that, that you say HEART attack".


I cannot trust anything which comes out of my bf's mouth anymore. I'm not sure when he's telling me the truth or not, what's been a lie, what's been true. It is crazy making of the worst kind and like my mother's partner pointed out, I don;t have to live like this anymore. She is an abuse survivor herself, and since I had said, he'd told me(not sure if it's true or not), that this had only been a decision he'd made since beginning to face the second abuse(he has repressed memories). She pointed out that sooner or later all abuse survivors have to deal with these things and make choices. I asked him if he'd disclosed and he said he'd told all he remembered......and he also said he didn;t trust his therapist again. He believed his T would tell him he was gay.


Well, you can see the web of confusion all round.....all I know is this is his journey to make and I will not be held in position of being in the way somehow any longer. Let him go and live out his missed teenage years.


I am so so sad. But also relieved a little. Like, I KNEW I was being lied to still and thank God I'm not just crazy. I need a man who knows what he wants, I know that much.


So, life goes on and I will need to work and earn a living and i am up to the challenge. I have to be strong for my kids and I will be. And who knows what the future will hold, but at least I have self worth finally.


thankyou for reading this long rant.
glad to be back
peace
Beccy


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#191658 - 11/16/07 09:35 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: beccy]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Beccy:

((((((dear, dear, Beccy)))))))) You are so very strong!!!! Please believe me when I say, it'll be all right.

I will keep you in my thoughts... I am here for you and I care.

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#191667 - 11/16/07 11:27 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Beccy

My god, I don't even know what to say. Reading your words felt like knives in my heart.

I'm so sorry it's all come to this. Like SnS though, I believe you are strong and you will see yourself and your children through this and finally get what you deserve - happiness, first with yourself and then to share with another. It'll be a long road for you Beccy, that's just the way of it, but with a clear goal in your mind, you'll be OK.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#191683 - 11/17/07 09:33 AM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: Trish4850]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
(((Becky)))
you are strong, girl and you and your children will be okay.
Time to put some of that positive energy into you and the kids.
You are 100% right thinking this is his journey and he must make it. In time he will sort through and discover his own way. You must now do the same for yourself and the kids.
We are here and we understand.
I will pray for your freedom from this pain and your continued growth and renewal in your own life.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#191693 - 11/17/07 12:39 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: mmac]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Becky,

I'm so very sorry to hear you are dealing with all of this. But your right in your posting. It's "his" choice, regardless of the reasons behind them choices. We have to learn to not use the abuse as an excuse to do things. You are a strong woman Becky...you have a support system here that cares about you. Please don't let his abuse distroy who you are. Like mmac said..you have to do the same for yourself...You have to worry about you and make sure your needs are being taken care of right now.

James

((hugs))

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#191807 - 11/18/07 03:52 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: James_dup1]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thankyou for all of your very supportive and validating replies.

It has been very hard these past few days. He's been here for the kids to maintain stability for them which I'd never wish to be different. But it is very had for me to be around him at the moment. He said he'd booked himself in for therapy journey thing which he'd been looking into(recommended by my mum) next week. I felt I could not allow myself to pin any hopes on that, since I no longer have any idea who he actually is.


I just cannot believe how he could lie the way he has this year about his sexuality being all sorted since last christmas. I am totally floored by it.


What I have to do now is concentrate on myself and our kids. Just take things one step at a time. Perhaps G will eventually have something to say, I really don't know. His track record is not good. He procrastinates, and generally avoids difficult issues, or somehow succeeds in denying them. Well, I know that well and I know that a person has to eventually come to realise that the only way to true happiness is to face things. I'm not saying that means this fantastic beam of light comes into your life, i just mean, to feel ALIVE.


And that's what i feel right now. Alive. In terrible emotional pain, but alive nevertheless. I keep worrying I'm doing the wrong thing. I believe I must have terribly strong abandonment issues, which would explain my inability to truly trust my own instincts this year. And it would also explain why we have never seriously seperated before.


So, anyway, life goes on and I'm just about alright. A bit all over the place emotionally, feeling one thing one minute, another the next and panicking about what we'll do at christmas etc.....


Well, thankyou again for all your support.

peace
Beccy



Edited by beccy (11/18/07 03:53 PM)

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#191973 - 11/20/07 04:37 AM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: beccy]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
((((((((beccy)))))))))


i know that feeling when one suddenly realizes no matter what, things just can't go on the way they are - and when this is instigated by an unhealthy situation - the fear in one's heart, the sick feeling in one's stomach - the helplessness one feels can just be so overwhelming.

his confusion has caused a great deal of pain for you for a long, long time; it has been quite undeserved and your patience with him has also gone unrecognized, as you pointed out.

in our darkest moments, we find strength we never knew we had or wanted to acknowledge. while i'm sorry to say you seem to be in a dark place right now due to his continued deceptions in your relationship, you do seem to be able to find your way to the light of hope, of understanding of yourself and how you *can* make a life for yourself and your children, with or without him.

hang in there, beccy, hopefully the worst is behind you.

all the best,

indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#192004 - 11/20/07 05:10 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: indygal]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thanks Indy,


You are right about the feeling sick feeling, my stomach's gone completely off.


I keep finding myself thinking, is this what he wanted then? To go off and do whatever he chooses. Have I just been in his way? My mind is schizing out over it all. It feels like time is frozen...


peace
Beccy


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#192018 - 11/20/07 09:11 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: beccy]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Beccy,

quite possibly no one can ever know for sure - but isn't it also possible deception was part of his childhood? that this man knows no other way to be? he is a survivor, after all, and perhaps that's either the way he survived, or was led into the situation of abuse, or even both.

he has a huge monumental task ahead of him to straighten out his life and learn to live in a more realistic environment but again and as you've heard so many times here, these are things he has to learn, has to acknowledge for himself, in the mean time, you and the children are suffering a great deal for his continued misunderstanding of how he relates to you as his partner and mother of your children.

i think i'd be more inclined to be sympathetic towards him if you ever told us he expressed remorse at hurting you but it seems like this is absent in his actions - until he truly understands what he's doing - what's the impetus for change in his behavior? this is why so much falls on you and your actions to let him know your boundaries and what is and is not acceptable for him.

this is why it resonates so clearly that by helping ourselves, we help our survivors also.

all the best,
indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#192026 - 11/20/07 10:28 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: indygal]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I'm sorry, Beccy, that you are in such pain right now. I just ordered a used book off Amazon.com about emotional abuse of women and how a woman can get away from it and discover her sense of self again. I know that is one reason it scares me to ever be on my own if I ever need to be....b/c I have lost my sense of self due to his emotional unavailability, criticism, etc. NO WONDER it is scary.

Maybe you can give yourself a much-deserved deadline. I kind of did. My T gave me this idea and I agreed w/ her and told my H that if he's not actively engaged in therapy and if there's not much progression or at least realization on his part that he's not been the kind of H he needs to be, etc., by the time I reach age 45 (in 3 yrs) then I'll have to move on. My cousin lost her beloved husband in a terrible accident 4 yrs ago and I just heard today that she's getting remarried in January. I tell you, it gives me hope. I still have hope for H and me obviously if I'm willing to give it 3 more yrs of my life, but I also have hope for "after him" if it doesn't work out. I'll be 45, and my T helped me pick that age because by then half of my life will be over and I will need to decide how I want to spend "the second half of it."

God bless you and those kids. Separation, divorce, whatever...whatever happens does not have to be the end of everyone's stability and happiness....it *could* even be the beginning since we haven't exactly been having those things anyway.

I'm sorry your bf doesn't get how much you've been through for him. At this point it makes me question whether he (or my own survivor for that matter) really does deserve all that love from you - if he's only going to let it roll off his back while he seeks out sex w/ others.....etc.....

I know we love them but who's going to love US? I'm sure there are others out there who would appreciate us and all we have to offer. We probably have such low self-esteem, as the book I ordered mentioned, that we don't even think anyone else would want us. Which is not true!

I think only when we are ALL healthy can we make good decisions. Clearly our survivors have to work on becoming the men they were created to be. But also, I know I need to work on myself - my sense of self, my own self-esteem and confidence and realization that I deserve good things in the world too.

Maybe then after we're both recovered from distorted thinking of ourselves, can we truly make a good decision about who we ought to or want to be with.

With or without our survivors, life will still hold many gems for us, flowers, friends, our favorite foods and teas, good books, animals and children we love, holidays we can put our own traditions into, etc. I don't want my H to be my end-all. It should never be that way. I feel very fragile at times imagining life w/o him and I do love him very much, but I don't want to be so fragile.

Keep your chin up. I know it's hard and it sounds like you're doing a great job w/ your children under the circumstances. They are the light of your life, not your bf, at this time.

Hugs across the pond,

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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