Newest Members
tammy m, TheConqueror, Bloom, JohnWC, KKumar
12423 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
dphoenix1701 (37), jaywiz2009 (69), mato (57)
Who's Online
1 registered (wiresguy1), 27 Guests and 7 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12423 Members
74 Forums
63803 Topics
445536 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#191948 - 11/19/07 09:52 PM Help please...my three year old has accused his fa
Candy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 12
******TRIGGERS******TRIGGERS******

My three year old son has accused his father of sexual abuse. I have gone thru all the avenues available government wise to get help for my son and to get him away from his dad. At the "child advocates" last visit with my son (after spending 1 minute with him one day and 10 the second) she declared that she believed nothing happened, except maybe some inappropriate play. My son has told me daddy tickles his penis and his bum, and has even indicated his dad sticks his finger up there. He even TOLD the child advocate that his daddy touches and tickles his penis and bum, and the child advocate called it "inappropriat play". COME ON. Who would even do THAT except for someone with a problem. Needless to say my son has told me more than that. however, according to the government, i have to let my children see this man....
So they went for the first visit since the allegations, and sure enough, the eleven year old went to play with friends and my son comes back and is an emotional wreck..like i hae never seen before. I finally get him to talk to me next day, and the allegations arise again. Except THIS time he saw daddys penis get very long then very short.
Of course the father claims he is innocent. The oldest says he has never seen anything strange. However, his father is an alcoholic, and on again off again drug addict, and a MAJOR pathological liar...
I am at a loss. Having gone thru this I was wondering if someone may have SOME idea of a next step ? I can't send this boy back there.

Thanks alot. Sorry to intrude.
Candy



Edited by ModTeam (11/19/07 10:31 PM)

Top
#191959 - 11/19/07 11:09 PM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa *DELETED* [Re: Candy]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
Post deleted by theatrekid


Top
#191962 - 11/19/07 11:27 PM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa [Re: theatrekid]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
I would start with a discussion with the police in a controlled sit down and discuss it setting. They will help you. PM Brian on here. He is a policeman and a moderator on this site. He will give you the best advice.
Paul


Top
#191976 - 11/20/07 07:38 AM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa [Re: Paul1959]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Candy,

It would help to know where you are. The legal systems are different everywhere. Absolutely take Paul's advise and contact Brian who will be able to give you priceless advice. If you can't reach him before the next scheduled visit, then contact the police in your town. Please do this ASAP!

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#191984 - 11/20/07 09:34 AM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa [Re: Trish4850]
Candy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 12
Thank you all for your replies.

I have spoken for a long time with the police here. I am in Tennessee. And the new law is that they are forbiddent to do anything unless the child advocacy center sees something as abuse....which they do not.

My only real option at this point, that i can see, is a restraining order. My real fear though, is that notihng is really happening, and I will ruin his dads life. But what if it is happening, and I do nothing ?

I asked my son again, point blank, are you making up a story ? Did daddy really touch you or is it a story ? Then he says he did not touch him, starts laughing , and goes on to tell me a story , laughing all the time "Daddy and I play this funny game, he tickles my penis and i run away and he chases me and tickles my penis again...so i tickle his. It is fun"....

Candy


Top
#191985 - 11/20/07 09:57 AM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa [Re: Candy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Have all of these procedures been followed:

http://www.state.tn.us/youth/dcsguide/po...d%20Neglect.pdf

Is there a supervisor at child services you can talk to? Can you ask for another case worker? Have you taken your son to the pediatrician? I'm so sorry you're hitting brick walls; all I can advise is to keep chipping away at them. Your son must be protected!

Also, as you've found out, 3 year olds don't necessarily respond to direct questions; they're simply not capable and probably don't even "know" the truth from a lie BUT they will tell you a story and within that story will be the truth of what happened. Someone trained in dealing with very young children knows this.


Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#191988 - 11/20/07 10:56 AM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa [Re: Trish4850]
Candy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 12
No...those procedures were NOT followed. ..they NEVER interviewed his dad, or went to his dads house to do a visit.

The dad has agreed to a lie detector test..does that make him seem innocent ? He caled the police he said, and is waiting for a call back.

I reported it again, this time to a case worker for the girl who "interviewed" him last time. Whether it is his father, or someone else, they have got to help us come up with some answer. The ped is out, her reply was you have to go thru the advocacy center.

Thanks again for your time. I feel like i just barged in here !
Candy


Top
#191990 - 11/20/07 11:20 AM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa [Re: Candy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Candy,

Barging in is perfectly OK here. You're concerned for your child and want to protect him and keep him safe - that is always paramount. Keep at it until you are satisfied that either everything is OK or more needs to be done.

As for your son's father being willing to take a lie detector test, sure that sounds like a good thing but an offer means nothing unless it's followed through. Let him take the test. It's good to look at the same picture from multiple angles until you're sure of what you see. Again, protecting your son is the most important thing. If feelings get hurt in the process, oh well, the alternative is simply not acceptable.

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#191996 - 11/20/07 02:02 PM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa [Re: Trish4850]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Candy,

Have you, or anyone from child services talked to your older son? He's only 11, and I'd be concerned for him as well if you think something is wrong in or around thier father's house. Children can be quite secretive if they feel they have to be to protect themselves or someone they love, even if that someone may be hurting them. I don't want to be putting more troublesome thoughts in your head, but it's something to think about and look into.

Trish



_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#192014 - 11/20/07 07:25 PM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa [Re: Trish4850]
Candy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 12
Trish,

I have talked to him and so did the so called case worker. He swears up and down nothing has ever happened, and I do know kids that age will usually protect who the person is. He still wants to visit his dad alot, so it would seem to me that there is nothing there, but i could be wrong....

Lord
Candy


Top
#192016 - 11/20/07 08:16 PM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa [Re: Candy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
I'm glad to hear that Candy and I'm sorry if I alarmed you unnecessarily. Just the thought of kids maybe being in trouble makes my hair stand on end. It's good you're being vigilant. Keep it up.

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#192330 - 11/23/07 06:07 AM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa [Re: Candy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Candy,

All this mess is placing an intolerable burden on your children. The 11 yo, for example, will not understand what abuse is yet and may simply be protecting his dad because he doesn't want to lose him. The younger boy, though, is in my way too young to be making this stuff up; kids that young simply are not to the point where they would think up games involving erections and the "tickling" of penises.

I think your kids both need to see a child psychologist as a mater of urgency. Those people are pros and will know how to talk to the boys and get to the bottom of all this.

And as usual I'm with Trish on the lie detector angle. Saying he will take a test doesn't cut it; let's see him actually do it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#192398 - 11/23/07 11:01 PM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa [Re: roadrunner]
Candy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 12
Roadrunner, thank you.

The 11 year old knows what sexual abuse is. We have discussed all that stuff extensively. However, I would not be so sure that he would not continue to protect his father, although he always tells me about the drinking, porn he finds, etc. But no matter what, he loves his daddy alot...and may protect him whatever.

I am going to a counselor tomorrow, and then after i see him he will see my son (the 11 year old). I am having a hard time finding a counselor for my 3 year old that I can afford. He has started wetting his bed again too.

My BIG question is this....WHY OH WHY do my kids STILL want to see their dad ? After all this , and many other things, why would either of them ever want to talk to him again ???

Candy


Top
#192404 - 11/23/07 11:56 PM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa [Re: Candy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Candy,

Your 11-year-old may "know" about good touch/bad touch and things like that, but still, 11 is way too young for a boy to understand the impact of abuse or to have any appreciation of what it means, or even what sex itself is all about.

Both boys want to continue to see their Dad for exactly this reason: they don't appreciate the enormity of what's happening. So far as they can tell, it's normal for a Dad to drink, leave porn laying around, and mess around sexually with his children. It's what they see, what they know - it seems okay because they have no experience against which to compare it. So far as they can see, he's their Dad and that's the end of the story. They trust him and think he would never harm them.

It's vital that your older boy see the counselor and I'm sure this will help him, though in the short term you shouldn't expect that he will be cooperative. It's VERY hard for a boy to admit that someone he needs and loves is betraying and harming him; he will most likely deny that anything bad is happening and feel angry at first that someone dares to try to turn him against his Dad. If that happens, it won't be your son being difficult - it will be your son being 11.

The younger boy wetting the bed is probably also related to this. A counselor would have to help you out here, but my first thought is that this is stress-related and reflects his feelings that something is wrong. It's also a cry for help.

Good luck as you go through all this and try to be strong for yourself. You won't have strength to offer the boys if you don't first have it for Candy. And do talk about things here whenever you can - it does help and at least you won't feel so isolated and alone.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#192512 - 11/24/07 08:35 PM Re: Help please...my three year old has accused his fa [Re: Candy]
Candy Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/19/07
Posts: 12
Thank you very much. I guess I can understand what you are saying about the kids loving their dad too much to fully comprehend what is going on. I dont know if I should keep talking to the older one about it, or just let it go till he sees a counselor.

This is hard. Their are times my stress level is so high I can hardly believe I am functioning. But I DO hold it together real well for the boys. I know I have to. I dont have a choice. If that stupid man is really hurting my boys, if I EVER hear the 11 year old say, ya, soemthing is going on, then I will worry about myself. But right now I am more worried about them. They are my everything. And I know for a fact if this is happening with the older one that it will be something he will never get over entirely...

Thanks alot Larry.
Candy


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.