recentley---i have been getting this gut feeling----------loss of appitite-------and a deep sadness--------------------------and a urge to cry-----------------some music of the 50s-------and other music has been putting me there------------and i am not running from it----i am trying to embrace it---------to get to the bottom of this-------------it isnt a very plesant feeling-----------------but i think i need to go through it--------------------------this morning-i recalled -when i was about 15---i fell in love with this girl -at school-----------i couldnt get her out of my head-----------yet i didnt know how to deal with these feelings-------------i wasnt prepared for this------------------------------i called her on the phone--------------after anganizing days-of fear to do this------------when she answered----------------i told her i love her------she was suprized----------probley didnt even know who i was-----------she said she was flattered-------------i didnt even know what that word ment----------------------that was it----------next day at school i feelt like such a fool----------thinking everyone knew-----------and i had no skills in feeling-------------------i think at that point in y life is when i really started to stuff my feelings-------------------they were wrong---------they sent me in the wrong direction------------i became bitter--------angery hatefull------------------------it wasnt to long after that -i found drugs---------------and that cruod of people-----------i was accepted------------------screw the other people i thought--------------------my long road to distruction-and not feeling---------------my release---------------------so this feeling i am getting today-----i can connect it with that same feeling then--------------------that gut feeling------------i need someone to hold me ------------tell me they care--------------and that i matter-------------so in my mind maybe i am connecting with that feeling of way back-------------dont know for sure----------------steve

Steve,

You're not alone, buddy. A lot of us have experienced the same kinds of insecurity and uncertainty and misinterpreted them. Many of us still do.

I care. I think you matter a LOT. I feel your pain, and I wish I could give you a big safe hug, but this is all I can do.

Remember that you are a good person, although perhaps in a bad place, emotionally. Please don't be bitter, and please don't be angry - especially with yourself.

Hang in there, buddy.

Ric

what you just posted reminded me of myself just before a period of morbid depression or anxiety sets in. I hate feeling that way feeling it bubble up like disconnected memories and very strong feelings. I suggest you take a pat on the back and a hand shake from me, (not comfortable hugging strangers) I feel your pain, and confusion, and frustration.

Mild suggestion, talk with your T about some strong SNRIs or SSRIs to stablize you for a period. To give you a chance to get some perspective on the life you have now. Even if it is an ever so slightly groggy and drugged perspective, it would still be some real perspective.

I send you my respect and understanding

My emotions have been all over the place, crying at stories I hear on the radio or a song, TV shows, postings here, sometimes something just triggers me into feeling sad and I cry. I have stopped trying to hold it in anymore. It's easier said than done but its getting better.

as far as meds, Zyprexa works for me within the hour and lasts quite a while. At least that is my experience with it. One thing I do not like about it is it makes me hungry constantly. But it works fast and it don't take much to have a positive effect.
Hang in there Steve theres a lot of us in the same place.
peace
Rick

so with all of these new feelings------now i know why i stayed drunk for years-------------is it worth it?????????????they say it gets better--------------cant see how---------------so confused-------------yea i am feeling now--------------but hurtfull feelings--------------------just dont know--------------------steve