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#19174 - 05/13/03 11:25 PM Dirty *trigger*
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
This is kind of hard to explain. I've never put it into words before but I feel like it's safe to talk about it here...

Well... in the past couple years I've gotten a lot better at feeling normal about my body but I still have problems sometimes. There was this problem I had constantly as a teenager, and still sometimes... it's like... I don't want my penis on me anymore. I don't mean that I want to be a girl, I like being a guy. I just feel like it's tainted or something, because of what I did with my mother. I don't like to put it in anything. I don't even like to get oral sex. I can't explain it and I feel like I'm some sort of freak. Sometimes it just sickens me to think about how this sick dirty thing is part of me. It's not that a penis is innately sick or dirty but I think that mine is because of where it has been. Sometimes I feel a compulsion to keep washing it as if it try and clean it. I get that with my hands too sometimes because of the things they have touched. I think the SA from my mom traumatized me the most than any of my other SA...

Am I crazy? Am I weird? I feel like such a freak. The only time you hear of weird problems like this is in the profiles of serial killers... \:\(

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#19175 - 05/14/03 02:40 AM Re: Dirty *trigger*
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
no, sp, you are not a freak - that, by the way is what I thought of myself, too - "a freak of nature" - but it's just that we felt like one, because we were alone, we felt different, and tainted -
my mother molested me too - and for as long as I can remember I could not stand being touched on my penis - it still freaks me out - so no foreplay - not ever -

we get these physical patterns, I think, because that is one of the ways we store the memory of the abuse - I am still wondering how to undo them or to experience and face them - but they just stay there deeply rooted. It was the same with the skin crawling feeling which I now call "shame skin" but I can see that coming sometimes and just let it pass.

no, sp, you are not alone and like me, you are not a murderer or in prison - and you and I are going to heal - day by day......t

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#19176 - 05/14/03 03:02 AM Re: Dirty *trigger*
Marc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
Josh,

By no stretch of the imagination could you be considered a freak. Freaks don't write poetry or create graphic art as eloquently as you do!

Try to give yourself a hug guy. You deserve one from yourself! \:\)


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#19177 - 05/14/03 04:29 AM Re: Dirty *trigger*
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Josh,
I started this earlier, had used your name, Josh, but was not sure until I came back and saw that I was correct when Marc used your name. I hope that you don't mind me-us-using Josh; great name.
I've had some of the same feelings that you've had--are having. I would never presume to know exactly how you feel but I have just a thought or two.
You know, we're built quite fantastically when you think about it. Women are incredible with breasts and beautiful rears and guys are just as fantastic with penises and hards butts. When we are messed with or made to feel that we are not beautiful and are dirty because we are introduced
to sexual activity at such an early age, by people that are supposed to be protecting us, we get screwed up. Instead of helping us to grow up to appreciate all of those wonderful sexual opportunities that are waiting for us when we reach age appropriate times in our lives, we're side tracked, to say the least, and our growth is warped. Washing, cleaning over and over again, are our attempts to make ourselves clean and healthy and new.
I've covered my body with fat as insulation from my abuse. When I lose weight, my body memory kicks in and reminds me of those days of complying with my perps requests. You've been an inspiration for me, Josh. Washing won't clean me but talk will.
You know what, Josh, you're getting clean and healthy here. You're not only talking it out but you're helping other brothers here see how it's done. Talking about it, yes, baring the soul like you have. You're bound to uncover other things the deeper you go. I hope that you have a good therapist to rely on when the road gets rocky and you feel "serial." You're not, you know. You've become the kid brother to a lot of us here and we're proud of you. Go, Josh, Go.
Like my brother before me, add my hug to Marc's.

Brother David.

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#19178 - 05/14/03 08:07 AM Re: Dirty *trigger*
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
I hear people talking about "body memory" all the time here but I'm not sure what it is. Is this an example of body memory? Or is it just when you can remember the abuse and feel it physically? Sorry if I sound dumb. I'm not sure about some of the terminology.

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

Top
#19179 - 05/14/03 10:41 AM Re: Dirty *trigger*
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Josh,

Sounds to me like a type of body memory related to your CSA. One you are clearly not alone with...

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#19180 - 05/14/03 12:28 PM Re: Dirty *trigger*
liminal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/21/02
Posts: 40
Loc: Detroit Metro
sp-

you are definately not alone. a couple years ago when the sh*t really hit the fan in my life i had the inexplicable feeling to "just cut if off" and it still sometimes feels like an almost alien part of my body. maybe it's the desire to "get rid of" all the painful feelings.


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#19181 - 05/14/03 03:01 PM Re: Dirty *trigger*
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Josh. wolf pup
Wuamei is right. That is what it is. For you it is that and for some it is ending it all they hate everything. But it is not the answer. Your penis is just that. It is meant for bodily functions as well as pleasure. Do not beat yourself up on where it has been that make you think it is dirty. It was not yours or its fault. You and it were coerced nothing more.

You are not sick or anything like that. You are a decent human of the species and I, and I am sure everyone else here, have a great deal of affection and respect for.
You are always there to help someone in need and offer sound advice and relate your experiences well. So be to yourself like you are to others.

Your brother

Mike

aaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwhhhhOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#19182 - 05/15/03 02:49 AM Re: Dirty *trigger*
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Josh,
What little I know of body memory is what I said above, with some further explanation, here. When I lose some weight and get near to the weight where I was when I was abused, I can sense a certain nervousness, an uneasiness. When I get near that weight, I'm in fairly good shape, start to feel my cheriots, so to speak, start to feel more athletic like I was when my perp got a hold of me. My body is remembering how it felt to be agile, to be more sexy--cover up, it's saying, protect youself.
Or,there is a more graphic explanation that one of our brothers told us about yesterday. He said that when he had heart surgery and was recovering, he was thrown back to the time he was 15 when his uncle attacked him for the last time. Michael said that his uncle had him down on his back with his knee planted firmly on Michael's sternum--breast bone. Michael said that it hurt so bad as his uncle knelt down so hard he could not breathe. Switching ahead to Michael's heart surgery, he said that he felt the pain of his healing sternum, AND........his uncle's knee pushing him into the ground, just before rolling him over and raping him.
Body memory.............
David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#19183 - 05/15/03 09:40 AM Re: Dirty *trigger*
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Josh me again
I was in terrific shape when my sa happened at Military College and it was the same when I started hustling for 3 years until the heroin got me.

All my life since then I have been trying to hide that body like Ivanhoe. I alternated between being too fat or too skinny. To help me accomplish this would stuff myself with food on the way up and stuff and purge myself on the way down to hide that body that made me desirable. I was disgusted with that body.

So you can see I had both Bulimia and Anorexia actually until early last year.

I did this from 22 years of age to 61 years of age. Why I am still here is a wonder to me. I did it for the same reason that you think about.

Dont do it anymore Josh. There is nothing wrong with you or what belongs to you, only your perception of yourself and your body.

As I have said before Facts cannot be changed but perceptions can. It is yours to change. Please do not take the length of time I did to do it.

Be proud of yourself and how far you have come.

Your brother Wolf

Mikey

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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