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#191669 - 11/17/07 12:59 AM This is how I feel every day of my life
midnight51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/03
Posts: 131
It's from my journal:
"It's August the 3rd I think almost 2am. I feel this life closing in on me again. They think it's so easy it should be easy to just make things right to just put it together and find a piece of mind thats sober to move this way without really moving this way and I feel his eyes beating on me like I'm unaccomplished and devoid of it all. But I hold it and they're making me hold it so they can use it to their advantage and suck the life out from under me. A life that somehow is not suppose to be my own. And at the end of the day they throw it back to me as to say it wasn't real it never happened and how am I to understand that but to keep moving this way but then it came fast and I saw it before I saw it and the amount of guilt it placed on me was paralyzing and it weighed me down... too far down to where I had become a servent of it like I needed it to survive it was my piece of mind but it was not serene it was devestating to me and still I can't tell where I am or what I am to do how to make the best of what is left. Like it is my responsibility but whatever way I go leads to a failure and my accomplishment is gone but it wasn't really the accomplishment that I needed to see I don't think... it was the uncertanty of it all. Like it was a guess and I guessed wrong it always falls back to me and it brings me down further and pushes me out further so I'm not really inside myself anymore."

_________________________
http://midnight61.blogspot.com/

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#191670 - 11/17/07 01:35 AM Re: This is how I feel every day of my life [Re: midnight51]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 978
Loc: HULBERT OK
I have ben where you are . Some times life is the pits . . All that I know to say is when you are at the bottom try and look up because there is no where ealse to go

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#191677 - 11/17/07 05:29 AM Re: This is how I feel every day of my life [Re: OKIE MIKE]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
When I lived with my last abuser I felt much the same way. I was lost and didn't know what to do, what to think, who to trust, where to go. I was so confused about my life and I really thought it was over for many years. I do know that there is hope may only be a small glimmer but its there. hang in there get help if you can.
Ask for help, it's OK to do that. I was so afraid of asking for help it kept me in the dark for many years. You always have us here too. sometimes a little understanding & compassion goes a long way in our darkest hours. I have a poem out there called "I can see" I felt that way for 20+ years. I really did not know what it was like to actually feel good. This site has helped me out so much and I am learning to accept feeling good even though it feels strange. Posting here helps more than I ever thought it would. It seems like I can post it here but not on paper. The journal thing just does not work for me.
Peace
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
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