Newest Members
Mike Boyd, Serenity40, markm, hans32, SilentNoLonger
12133 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
casey (45), flaredsoul (31), Madcap (29), susie24 (59)
Who's Online
6 registered (Rich1967, forgive777, Frustrated, CafeMan, 2 invisible), 67 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12133 Members
73 Forums
62566 Topics
438387 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#191644 - 11/16/07 05:44 PM So here I am again....
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
So, here I am, glass of wine in hand, 1 1/2 years of tears and confusion later, bf gone.......


I had to come back here, this has been such a supportive place. My bf lied to me again. For months I have been sensing he's been odd with me, I've been asking him what's up and he's been like, huffing and sighing like as if I never let up and basically in hindsight, treating me quite unkindly. On wednesday I snooped, since I was feeling so confused about everything and found an email reply to a massage ad basically saying(in his words), "was the guy after an erotic massage/therpeutic/both??.....prices, then, "please use discretion(if necessary) since I am married".................well I was so unsure of myself and how to approach it(I can see that's just how confused I have actually become), I phoned my councellor and she was very validating and supportive. So, after having to(once again), put on a brave face and be a good parent to my kids, put them to bed etc....we sat down for an honest conversation. He seemed to be of the opinion that since he can't share with me his desires and the worry over losing me, because of how I'll take it, it is obvious I'll not be satisfied with anything less than certainty from him, so he has to go out to find out what this 'other thing' means to him...he said it's like a great big brick wall between us......I asked him , ok, what were the things he can't share with me? Lay them on the table now then... and he answered the same thing again.....he ran circles round me.........I asked him if he was satisfied with our sex? he said yes, but he just has this other thing in his head and he doesn;t know what it means. I asked him if he was being honest about what sexual things he wanted us to be doing and he said he was......I was wondering if it was more just the act he was after, but he seemed fairly clear about the fact it is a man he wants for that. He seemed to feel justified in his lieing to me, since it is 'my fault' there's a brick wall between us. I specifically said please don't lie to me again.....I said if he felt he needed to go out and do something, please tell me, since I really won't be ok if you lie..........and he has lied anyway. After all this time.

I said to him, how come the fact I've still been here by your side has gone unnoticed?? Through all your identity issues, have I not been here???? How dare he treat me the way he been doing this past few months......how dare he be angry with me when I've been insecure, claiming his "sexuality issue was all sorted since last christmas and why did I not believe him!!!!" He's been angry and I've felt guilty and I have tried time and time again to risk beginning to put myself into fixing this relationship, only to find I am still being liled to and I am still living with someone who seemingly still isn;t actually choosing to have this relationsip.


We have two young children and I have tried to make this work for their sake, but if this is the reality of that 'family', then I see it is no kind of good example to be giving them anyway. He tells me he never lived out his teenage normal developement, so it's a part of what he needs to do. Interesting though, how he seemed to think therefore lying about it was somehow acceptable. I'm no fool, I can accept a person may have to these things, I just would have rather he'd taken ACTUAL responsibility for that and not try and make out I'm the one who's responsible. If it is a choice he needs to make, that's his choice and how dare he deny my right to choose what I want within that frame work? He said he doesn't know what this other thing might mean to him. He doesn't know what the outcome might be.....then he tried to tell me he knows he loves me and wants to be with me........I don't think he knows what loving someone means yet. He told me he was trying to protect our relationship. I asked him what gave him the sole right to make that choice.


I am exausted by this endless shit and it is obvious to me he needs to discover his own power, wherever it's true centre may be. He has to take resposibilty for his choices and accept the consequences. He has to realise they are his choices to make even. He is ike a cowardly adolesecent. I also can see this is his journey and there's a possibility it may go on for some time, I am just in the way and that's exactly how he's been treating me, so I'm trusting my instinct on that. And enough is enough.

Oh yes and not forgetting another way he tried to trivialise the whole thing, by saying "it's just sex, it's not love". I told him not to patronise me with that crap. I understand the difference between 'just sex' and more than just that! And was he trying to make out that shouldn't bother me in some way???? He knew if that's what he wanted to do, he'd have to leave and he lied to me and I felt like I was going crazy....I have so had enough of this shit in my life. If this is the reality of trying to have a family life for my children, it is just going to be worth the struggle to be seperated. And I never thought it would come to that. So , THAT'S how much faith I had. I never truly thought it would come to that. And that goes unnoticed in his eyes.


It's his choice not to share stuff with me.
It's his choice to lie to me.
It's his choice if he wants to go out and have sex with other people.


He needs to accpet that as a fact, in whatever it might mean to him.


And obviously I am broken hearted.

I had said to my councellor, I just felt that if this continued, I'd end up having a heart-attack, and she said, "Interesting that, that you say HEART attack".


I cannot trust anything which comes out of my bf's mouth anymore. I'm not sure when he's telling me the truth or not, what's been a lie, what's been true. It is crazy making of the worst kind and like my mother's partner pointed out, I don;t have to live like this anymore. She is an abuse survivor herself, and since I had said, he'd told me(not sure if it's true or not), that this had only been a decision he'd made since beginning to face the second abuse(he has repressed memories). She pointed out that sooner or later all abuse survivors have to deal with these things and make choices. I asked him if he'd disclosed and he said he'd told all he remembered......and he also said he didn;t trust his therapist again. He believed his T would tell him he was gay.


Well, you can see the web of confusion all round.....all I know is this is his journey to make and I will not be held in position of being in the way somehow any longer. Let him go and live out his missed teenage years.


I am so so sad. But also relieved a little. Like, I KNEW I was being lied to still and thank God I'm not just crazy. I need a man who knows what he wants, I know that much.


So, life goes on and I will need to work and earn a living and i am up to the challenge. I have to be strong for my kids and I will be. And who knows what the future will hold, but at least I have self worth finally.


thankyou for reading this long rant.
glad to be back
peace
Beccy


Top
#191658 - 11/16/07 09:35 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: beccy]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Beccy:

((((((dear, dear, Beccy)))))))) You are so very strong!!!! Please believe me when I say, it'll be all right.

I will keep you in my thoughts... I am here for you and I care.

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

Top
#191667 - 11/16/07 11:27 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Beccy

My god, I don't even know what to say. Reading your words felt like knives in my heart.

I'm so sorry it's all come to this. Like SnS though, I believe you are strong and you will see yourself and your children through this and finally get what you deserve - happiness, first with yourself and then to share with another. It'll be a long road for you Beccy, that's just the way of it, but with a clear goal in your mind, you'll be OK.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#191683 - 11/17/07 09:33 AM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: Trish4850]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
(((Becky)))
you are strong, girl and you and your children will be okay.
Time to put some of that positive energy into you and the kids.
You are 100% right thinking this is his journey and he must make it. In time he will sort through and discover his own way. You must now do the same for yourself and the kids.
We are here and we understand.
I will pray for your freedom from this pain and your continued growth and renewal in your own life.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

Top
#191693 - 11/17/07 12:39 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: mmac]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Becky,

I'm so very sorry to hear you are dealing with all of this. But your right in your posting. It's "his" choice, regardless of the reasons behind them choices. We have to learn to not use the abuse as an excuse to do things. You are a strong woman Becky...you have a support system here that cares about you. Please don't let his abuse distroy who you are. Like mmac said..you have to do the same for yourself...You have to worry about you and make sure your needs are being taken care of right now.

James

((hugs))

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


Top
#191807 - 11/18/07 03:52 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: James_dup1]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thankyou for all of your very supportive and validating replies.

It has been very hard these past few days. He's been here for the kids to maintain stability for them which I'd never wish to be different. But it is very had for me to be around him at the moment. He said he'd booked himself in for therapy journey thing which he'd been looking into(recommended by my mum) next week. I felt I could not allow myself to pin any hopes on that, since I no longer have any idea who he actually is.


I just cannot believe how he could lie the way he has this year about his sexuality being all sorted since last christmas. I am totally floored by it.


What I have to do now is concentrate on myself and our kids. Just take things one step at a time. Perhaps G will eventually have something to say, I really don't know. His track record is not good. He procrastinates, and generally avoids difficult issues, or somehow succeeds in denying them. Well, I know that well and I know that a person has to eventually come to realise that the only way to true happiness is to face things. I'm not saying that means this fantastic beam of light comes into your life, i just mean, to feel ALIVE.


And that's what i feel right now. Alive. In terrible emotional pain, but alive nevertheless. I keep worrying I'm doing the wrong thing. I believe I must have terribly strong abandonment issues, which would explain my inability to truly trust my own instincts this year. And it would also explain why we have never seriously seperated before.


So, anyway, life goes on and I'm just about alright. A bit all over the place emotionally, feeling one thing one minute, another the next and panicking about what we'll do at christmas etc.....


Well, thankyou again for all your support.

peace
Beccy



Edited by beccy (11/18/07 03:53 PM)

Top
#191973 - 11/20/07 04:37 AM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: beccy]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
((((((((beccy)))))))))


i know that feeling when one suddenly realizes no matter what, things just can't go on the way they are - and when this is instigated by an unhealthy situation - the fear in one's heart, the sick feeling in one's stomach - the helplessness one feels can just be so overwhelming.

his confusion has caused a great deal of pain for you for a long, long time; it has been quite undeserved and your patience with him has also gone unrecognized, as you pointed out.

in our darkest moments, we find strength we never knew we had or wanted to acknowledge. while i'm sorry to say you seem to be in a dark place right now due to his continued deceptions in your relationship, you do seem to be able to find your way to the light of hope, of understanding of yourself and how you *can* make a life for yourself and your children, with or without him.

hang in there, beccy, hopefully the worst is behind you.

all the best,

indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

Top
#192004 - 11/20/07 05:10 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: indygal]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thanks Indy,


You are right about the feeling sick feeling, my stomach's gone completely off.


I keep finding myself thinking, is this what he wanted then? To go off and do whatever he chooses. Have I just been in his way? My mind is schizing out over it all. It feels like time is frozen...


peace
Beccy


Top
#192018 - 11/20/07 09:11 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: beccy]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Beccy,

quite possibly no one can ever know for sure - but isn't it also possible deception was part of his childhood? that this man knows no other way to be? he is a survivor, after all, and perhaps that's either the way he survived, or was led into the situation of abuse, or even both.

he has a huge monumental task ahead of him to straighten out his life and learn to live in a more realistic environment but again and as you've heard so many times here, these are things he has to learn, has to acknowledge for himself, in the mean time, you and the children are suffering a great deal for his continued misunderstanding of how he relates to you as his partner and mother of your children.

i think i'd be more inclined to be sympathetic towards him if you ever told us he expressed remorse at hurting you but it seems like this is absent in his actions - until he truly understands what he's doing - what's the impetus for change in his behavior? this is why so much falls on you and your actions to let him know your boundaries and what is and is not acceptable for him.

this is why it resonates so clearly that by helping ourselves, we help our survivors also.

all the best,
indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

Top
#192026 - 11/20/07 10:28 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: indygal]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I'm sorry, Beccy, that you are in such pain right now. I just ordered a used book off Amazon.com about emotional abuse of women and how a woman can get away from it and discover her sense of self again. I know that is one reason it scares me to ever be on my own if I ever need to be....b/c I have lost my sense of self due to his emotional unavailability, criticism, etc. NO WONDER it is scary.

Maybe you can give yourself a much-deserved deadline. I kind of did. My T gave me this idea and I agreed w/ her and told my H that if he's not actively engaged in therapy and if there's not much progression or at least realization on his part that he's not been the kind of H he needs to be, etc., by the time I reach age 45 (in 3 yrs) then I'll have to move on. My cousin lost her beloved husband in a terrible accident 4 yrs ago and I just heard today that she's getting remarried in January. I tell you, it gives me hope. I still have hope for H and me obviously if I'm willing to give it 3 more yrs of my life, but I also have hope for "after him" if it doesn't work out. I'll be 45, and my T helped me pick that age because by then half of my life will be over and I will need to decide how I want to spend "the second half of it."

God bless you and those kids. Separation, divorce, whatever...whatever happens does not have to be the end of everyone's stability and happiness....it *could* even be the beginning since we haven't exactly been having those things anyway.

I'm sorry your bf doesn't get how much you've been through for him. At this point it makes me question whether he (or my own survivor for that matter) really does deserve all that love from you - if he's only going to let it roll off his back while he seeks out sex w/ others.....etc.....

I know we love them but who's going to love US? I'm sure there are others out there who would appreciate us and all we have to offer. We probably have such low self-esteem, as the book I ordered mentioned, that we don't even think anyone else would want us. Which is not true!

I think only when we are ALL healthy can we make good decisions. Clearly our survivors have to work on becoming the men they were created to be. But also, I know I need to work on myself - my sense of self, my own self-esteem and confidence and realization that I deserve good things in the world too.

Maybe then after we're both recovered from distorted thinking of ourselves, can we truly make a good decision about who we ought to or want to be with.

With or without our survivors, life will still hold many gems for us, flowers, friends, our favorite foods and teas, good books, animals and children we love, holidays we can put our own traditions into, etc. I don't want my H to be my end-all. It should never be that way. I feel very fragile at times imagining life w/o him and I do love him very much, but I don't want to be so fragile.

Keep your chin up. I know it's hard and it sounds like you're doing a great job w/ your children under the circumstances. They are the light of your life, not your bf, at this time.

Hugs across the pond,

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#192029 - 11/20/07 10:56 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: Brokenhearted]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
beccy,

You raise an interesting topic when you question how he could be so false and untruthful. I think this topic was discussed in F&F a year or so back with some interesting contributions to the subject.

I can relate to what Indygal was saying. I was raised in a situation where it wasn't safe to share with my parents what was going on. Deception was a way of life with me. It was necessary to stay safe from abusive discipline that was sure to come if they found out what I was involved in, not to mention attempting to stay safe from the older teen neighbor kid who was abusing me. That habit didn't stop just because I grew up and became a married adult. It's taken some real work to build trust with my wife after some of the untruths I've told her over the years.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#192078 - 11/21/07 07:58 AM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: WalkingSouth]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
So, my bf has been out, had sex with a man, done the therapy journey thing, had another T session....


He said he can't tell me what he wants. He says he doesn't know if he wants to go and have sex with a man again or not. He tells me he knows he loves me, but this path he is on he can do nothing about. He said he knows he has no right, but he wants me to keep an open door. He says it is obvious he is very confused. I asked him why he is not choosing to face the repressed memories and fully disclose the abuse with the teacher. His theory is that he's not avoided it on purpose, it just 'hasn't come up in session'.


He is choosing for us to be seperated. My heart is utterly utterly broken. I told him I would have stayed with him, I had made my choice.


Everything I've done and all the efforts I have put into this have been in vain. I have no idea what I can believe of anything he's ever told me. I feel so shaken right now. We are seperated officially. I have to keep repeating it to myself to check it's true. Has everything been a lie? He says it hasn't.


I just feel I don't know who he is anymore. And now i have to try and pick up all the scattered pieces of myself and find out who I am at the end of all this. The level of devastation I feel right now is impossible to put into words.


I said we need to think about what to do about christmas. He said maybe things won't be the same by then.


I said if I don't meet anyone else who I feel seriously about, then perhaps there'd be a chance for us to try again, but he'd given me no reason to save myself for the sake of keeping an open door. He has lied to me, withheld himself from me, been unkind to me. I'm not sure what kind of a love that indicates anyway.


Going now.


peace
Beccy


Top
#192102 - 11/21/07 11:19 AM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: beccy]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Beccy,
Ah, my dear, I am sorry.
I know it hurts.
{{{{{Beccy}}}}}
This is a tough time of year to have things go so awry, too.
I'm not going to tell you that it's for the best, or that you should cheer up. Maybe you'll come to feel that way; maybe not. But I am going to encourage you to take care of yourself, and to feel what you feel. At the same time--and this is the important point--let your feelings pass through you. You are your feelings, sure, but you are not only your feelings. If you let them run their course, without being stuck about whether you "should" feel them or not, then you'll arrive at what's next more peacefully. And feelings alone should not dictate action.
This may be more practical than you want to be right now, but I encourage you to think about the economic and legal rights you have as mother to your two children together (at least). I don't know what protections you have for yourselves during this time, but I hope that there are ways to require your bf to support your children to adulthood at an appropriate rate, and perhaps to support you as well until the children are school-aged. I have a feeling that some of your social supports in the UK are better there than they are here, but at the same time I would not be surprised if single mothers were not also unfairly disadvantaged there too.
And, unfortunately, men with what seem to be urgent issues are not always deeply responsible toward their children.
So please be proactive on your children's account, if you can't see it for your own. It's also a good way to expend your efforts, to feel as though you are taking some positive steps on your own behald.
I'll be sending my best wishes.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

Top
#192136 - 11/21/07 05:02 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: honey girl]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thankyou for your kind reply Honeygirl.


It was good for me to see see my T tonight. A real source of support.


I am just grieving so badly at the moment. I know it will pass, but right now the feelings are just so heavy, you know? I keep replaying me asking him if he loved me and him saying he did but that didn't change the fact he was on this journey. How can he say that and that he knows he loves me and wants to be with me? I have never been so confused in my entire life.


So, I suppose gradually this confusion will die down in my mind, as our lives become more seperate. I just can't believe this is what he wants. I am so in shock.


peace
Beccy


Top
#192201 - 11/22/07 12:27 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: Brokenhearted]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Beccy,

When I read your post...it made me SO sad. I have been through a lot in my life, left to raise 2 kids by myself as my first husband had an affair with another woman, then ended up taking his own life when his 2nd marriage was not working out. (By the way...his 2nd marriage was not with the woman who he had the affair with during our marriage. It is strange to me how some people make decisions in life that affect so many other people in BAD ways, and then when they get what they truly think they want, they don't want it anyway!) It is too bad that people can not and do not take the time to think about the consequences of their behavior before acting out! I guess it is all a part of living in this world of sin that we live in and not being able to say NO to temptations and I find that totally sad! Another day, another time on that subject alone!!

Anyway, my point here is that I had been a stay at home mom and found myself in a position that I had to support 2 kids and myself by myself....and I had 2 choices, to either pull myself up by the boot straps and make something of our lives or cave into his ways and let his ruination ruin me! With the love and support of my family, friends and my loving God, I found the strength to raise my kids and now have 2 grown wonderful children and a granddaughter that I am very proud of...and yes...we do have our times and our battles surrounding our divorce and his suicide, but I am proud of me for taking a stand and vowing to try to make a difference in their lives, and I believe I have.

So, all I can do is encourage you to live your life for you and those kids! I believe it is very important to raise kids in as healthy of an environment as is possible. Your BF has the same choices that you have, and I do not believe that adults should continue to use their past as excuses for their present behaviors. After all, we have all had crosses to bear in our childhoods, some worse and some better than others.

You sound like a wonderful person and I can tell that you have so much love inside of you. More love and understanding than it sounds like you are getting out of this relationship. You are so much more deserving. I truly believe that you will find the strength to pull yourself up by the boot straps as I did. And you will NEVER regret what you did for you or your children.

May God Bless You!


Top
#192354 - 11/23/07 09:30 AM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: Lou]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Lou, thankyou for your reply, you sure sound like a very strong woman. I am so sorry to hear about your ex-husband, but it's good you stayed standing.



So, last night after putting the kids to bed(thankfully he's still here for them and we've been able to arrange plans reguarding them on a day by day basis), he came in the room I was sitting in and asked if it was ok to talk. (The day before i had told him he needed to know he was losing me and he'd made his choice prefectly clear and now he could go and enjoy it. I had also set a few boundaries as far as just how often he keeps being here, like as if things are still the same or somthing. I had told him we need to arrange things between us with the kids so that i don;t have to spend any time around him, since I can't bear to be near him feeling this way.) So, last night, he sits down and says to me, he's not staying round the corner just so he can shag around. He just wanted me to know that. He said he's confused, and can't commit to the relationsip right now. I told him since we are now officially seperated, it is no longer my concern who or if he is/isn't sleeping with. I said the reason I can't be around him is because I am grieving and it hurts too much. He seemed to question why i would be grieving stating that nothing was 'finalised'. I asked him why he even came in to talk to me. I got very upset again and he left.


It seems I can't even grieve in peace. How dare he continue to invade my space in this way? In some ways it seems like he is a man flexing his muscles of power and choice. He also seems well and truly split off from the total devastation of this whole thing. He is truly detached.



But enough about HIM. WHAT ABOUT ME????????????? I bloody well told him there's no place for his sexual identity issue in this relationship. I tolerated it the best i could, but NO MORE. And still he invades my space with trying to share 'what he's going through'. I tell you, I AM NOT FUCKING INTERESTED. Would I be interested if this was about other women??????? I dont bloody well think so and I can no longer see what the difference is. Hell, what DO other desires mean? They EXIST, that's what they mean. The fact that his is to do with the opposite sex just twists the knife more deeply, especially for me considering my own past.


Oh I can see now, this has all happened since i took a few more risks and really made it clear I was here for the long haul. So, it could be he's panicked and has been finally forced to face his own choices, but I'LL BE DAMNED if I'll continue to let him break my boundaries in the process. First he has lied to me, and tried to justify it by saying he thought he'd find an answer to all this, alongside trivialising it and calling it 'only sex' and trying to place the responsibilty on my shoulders for not being able to share with me just how strong his other desires are and his fear of losing me. I tell you, if he has felt he could not be open and honest, perhaps that shows that he didn't actually want a relatsionship with ME? Did he consider any of this?


I am NOT going to appologise for being myself, or my own past, or my honesty. If he doesn't want me, so be it, but at least i can say I've been myself. If you don't share, you don't find out, it's a simple as that. I really don't think he has realised HIS OWN choices in all of this and just how hurt and betrayed I really feel. I had asked him if he was satisfied with our sex and if he was being honest about what he wanted. I had expressed my feelings as they came up. I took those risks and stepped up to those challenges and it seems to me, he's been the one choosing NOT to. So, how dare he be so cold towards me and pass comment on my repsonse to this whole current shock.


FUCK HIM


Let him flex his muscles and feel his own power, but what if he then wants to return??? Has he considered the total mess and devastation and the effects this final blow has had on me? I mean I'm only just holding myself together here. I feel so lied to about our intimacy, it has shocked me to the core. The whole thing has shocked me. My T said I am very badly traumatised. He looked at me in disbelief when I told him that.


He knows that I need to know I mean more to him than this other thing and I can't believe he has treated me with such low reguard over this and tried to use it against me. And now he tries to tell me nothing's finalised. Does he want to just fuck with my mind?


Top
#192358 - 11/23/07 10:54 AM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: Lou]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Beccy,

Reading through this thread shows me once again how futile the situation can sometimes be for our partners. You have gone way beyond the extra mile in trying to support him, even to the extent of tolerating an experiment (if that's what it was) with another man. You have been supportive and understanding and have set aside some very basic needs of your own, and still he persists in lying to you.

Quite beyond that, he is entirely engulfed in his own pain, suffering and laments for his lost childhood and youth, as if these should for some reason cancel out each and every one of your own concerns. He seems to have lost sight of the fact that a relationship is about TWO people meeting their own needs and those of their partner together.

I do have to say this is something that happens a lot among survivors, including myself. I just didn't see what my situation was doing to my relationship with my wife, and in fact what brought me into the picture was reading and posting here in F&F. As I began to get a clearer idea of how things looked to the partners here I was absolutely shocked at how oblivious I had been.

The simple truth here is that no one in a relationship has the right to scrap the concerns of their partner because "I am on my journey". That's bullshit, and the message is "I want you to wait around forever on the off-chance I may sort this out." I can't imagine why any partner should buy into that in the first place, and especially not if there are children in the picture. It sounds like you have given him every chance to at least offer some scenario for working towards a solution, but he seems unwilling or unable to take any step at all in that direction.

If that's how it is, then of course you have to move on. I spend a lot of time here telling guys "It's not your fault", and I think this is a truth you need to accept as well. Beccy, you are a victim of his abuser as much as he is and that's not fair. But it genuinely looks like the options open to you in this relationship will only result in more turmoil and instability, and in that case maybe it's time to think of your kids and start over. I wish I had something more positive to say.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#192362 - 11/23/07 12:36 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: roadrunner]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Beccy,

The strength that I read in your last post is absolutely amazing in such a short time! I am SO very proud of you!

Thank you for thinking of me as a strong woman, and yes, I guess I am that. But when we have young ones lives at heart....as loving mothers....I don't think we are given any other choice.

As for the situation you have been in, it is very hard to accept that the man that you love has decided to entertain with other men, I know, I too am living that very same thing in my life.

The one thing that I do know is that no matter how much you love someone, and no matter how good/bad your relationship or sexual relationship is or has been with that person, never in a million years could you ever, ever fix them! I am just sorry that these individuals could not come to terms with their issues before involving other people's lives and hearts.

As for you, you may find as you seek more strength for you and your children, that your BF may try everything in his power to draw you back in by feeling sorry for him or that he is trying or something of that nature, but I really encourage you to focus on you and your children right now. You are the MOST important things! He will either make it or he won't, and it sounds like it is time for him to make that decision on his own. He may find if and when he comes to a decision to do something that he has lost the most precious things in his life, but unfortunately sometimes that is what it takes for some people, sort of like those addicted to alcohol. But in the meantime, there is no sense of you losing yourself or the right for your children to live as healthy and normal lives as you can give them....they do deserve that and so do you. You never know, God may just put the right man in your life and your children's lives and you may ask yourself someday why you wasted so much time finding him.

I do think that it would be a good idea for sexual abuse survivors to read more of the posts from the family and friends sections. When people make the choices they make, either consciously or unconsciously, it does affect more than just them and they need to understand that BIG time!

Have a blessed day Beccy with your wonderful children, do something fun with each other, you all deserve it!


Top
#192366 - 11/23/07 01:10 PM Re: So here I am again.... [Re: Lou]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Beccy,

I've read through this thread a couple of times and have simply been at a loss for words. Finally I realize that maybe I don't really need to "say" anything more than I feel for you in your loss, grief, anger, pain, and heartache. You have my support and that of the rest of the bunch, I'm sure.

It's time to take care of you and those you love.

Safe hugs,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.