Well it has taken me a while to post but I have been looking at all of the posts and said to myself "I can’t get in trouble so what am I waiting for." You know this healing process sometimes sucks because of the emotions and feelings that you have to fight through sometimes

My abuse started when I was 5. My mother had a doctor’s appointment that day. She was having twins and yes I was excited. She asked My first abuser who was my mother’s boyfriend’s nephew, who was about 20 or so, to watch us. He came into my room and told me he wanted to play with me so I said "YES, I did not have to go to sleep". He told me to take off my clothes and get into a fetal position. He then wiped Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion on my behind and down my crack. He them rubbed his penis down with lotion. That smell still triggers my memory today. He then put his penis on my butt hole and told me to let him know when I felt it go in. So I said okay. He began to push and the pressure was great it felt like it went in. So I said "it’s in" but he said it had slipped and gone down my crack. So he wanted to try again this time it slipped and went up my crack. After a few more tries he said it just will not go in so he says I will stop and I said no I will make it go in (you see I was only five and did not want to go to sleep.) I had no idea of what he was doing to me. He pushed one more time and it slipped again. So he played with is penis and told me to go wipe of my butt and then go to bed. Now knowing he was masturbating since I could not satisfy him.

When I was 7 we moved and two years later his brother and sister came to watch us. She cooked doughnuts, which I stated didn’t taste like the ones you buy at the store and she became angry telling me and my siblings that we had to go to bed. Around 12 midnight her brother comes in my room, which as halfway down the hall, and says to me “do you want to go watch a movie with me” I said no because I was half sleep. He insisted saying that the movie was scary and he did not want to watch it by himself. I said it is cold. So he got a cover a told me to get out of bed. He them wrapped the cover around the both of us and then proceded walking to the living room. My mother was gone to a party so no one was home but him and all the children. His sister had left about an hour before his shift. He laid me down on the floor with him and pulled my pants down. He said the clothes would take away some of the heat. Then I felt his penis on my back. He let me lay my head on his arm and pulled me closer to him (for heat). I began to fall asleep. He told me to wake up and watch the movie with him. He put his penis in the crack of my behind. Then he started pumping faster and faster pulling my behind as close a possible to his penis. My body froze when I felt him peeing on me I said YOURE PEEING ON ME. He reassured me that he was not peeing on me. He even guaranteed it. So he tells me to smell it and asks me if it smells like pee. I say no. He then takes me into the bathroom and washes me off then tells me to go to bed.

At the age of 8 my last abuser was my uncle who would come over to my house a play this “game”. He was giving each of us children wedgies (pulling someone’s underwear up until the underwear are completely in that person’s crack) which was sometimes quite painful. He started off by pulling my pants down and putting my penis in his mouth it tickled too much so I pulled away. He said I had to suck his penis since he sucked mine. I remember that smell (musky) and the bumps on his penis. I was there for a while sucking and licking away. I got tired and said he would have to try me again. After the second encounter like that I knew what was going on. I then switch to protection mode always being the one who he was around so he would not get to my brothers and sisters. This went on for a few months. Then he moved to another sate thankfyully. There was one time when he went into the room with my brother and that incident still bothers me to this day. My brother said nothing went on, but my mind will not let me take that for an answer knowing what he did to me.’

I have had the opportunity to watch a child who broke his leg and was circumcised all at the same time. I was 17 and all I could think about seeing him there naked was why would someone want to hurt me like that. They had to have seen the same little small innocent body I saw. I say to myself what was the difference. I used to think it was my fault but after seeing and taking care of my little buddy. I knew then that they had a choice. I never did anything. Knowing that was not me. To this day I am very close with the whole family.

I thank God that he has brought me through this.

please reply

Check your post under spirituality and survivors.

Greg,

Please dont feel as if we are ignoring you or your post. A post like that takes some time to digest and be able to respond accordingly.

I get a bit siezed-up when I read survivor's stories these days. They speak to me and most of us here in a rather unique and direct level (read: these things hurt to read). But we share that pain willingly for and with a brother survivor.

I'm very sorry any of this happened to you. To be used like that for someone elses selfish pleasure is so damn degrading. I'm glad you can at least talk about it here and face this evil head-on.

Welcome Bro!
As you spend more time here, you'll see the ways MS.ORG can help you through some tough stuff.

Post deleted by Freedom49

Hi, nmg,

I just wanted to add to what Robbie said to you. What happened to you was indeed degrading - but for the people who did it to you, not for you. They degraded themselves by their betrayal of a little boy.

Hang in there, brother.

Mike

Greg,

I hope posting your story has helped you. When we tell what happened, in a way we are taking an important step in throwing off the blame and feeling of being shamed and alone. None of what you describe was your fault - a child can never be expected to protect himself, much less recognize what's happening to him. I had been abused for two years before it occurred to me that all this had something to do with sex.

Much love,
Larry