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#191576 - 11/16/07 08:36 AM I am new and need help
help_pls Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/16/07
Posts: 1
Hello I recently stumbled upon this website, just a back story about my situation when I was 13 my uncle masturbated me after inviting me to watch pornography. For about 10 years I ignored these actions and kept them hidden, until a girl from work told me she was molested and this has triggered my memory, and I have recently being extremely bothered by his actions.

Not so much for my sake, but my family and his family are fairly close and my 14 year old sister sleeps over there on occasion (he has a daughter the same age)

My dilemma is I am concerned about my sister, I do not wish to see my sister going through the same things the girl I work with does. Bearing that my younger brother is 19 and is also employed by my uncle for work, my mother also has some major stress issues for something unrelated. So if I was to come out it would destroy my brother's work and absolutely devastate my mother, not including the affects this would have on my Aunty and her kids. So what do I do?

I am also concerned with approaching my sister as if abuse has occurred I don't think she would be honest with me and I do not wish to disclose the fact of what happened 10 years ago to her.

Any advice as I am so confused on what to do
Thank you


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#191577 - 11/16/07 08:44 AM Re: I am new and need help [Re: help_pls]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
This is quite the problem that I hope someone can answer for you. I was abused by my older brother at 13, and I can tell you its definately a bit of a problem when you are related to your abuser. Its the reason I've never confronted him. It will really complicate my family life. He'll likely deny it, people will end up having to take sides as to who they believe and its not good. Your situation is a bit more complicated by the fact that your brother works for your uncle.

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#191578 - 11/16/07 08:53 AM Re: I am new and need help [Re: help_pls]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Hi.
First of all, welcome. It takes a lot of courage to make that first post here. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with at the moment. First of all, I know it sounds borderline selfish, but your very first responsibility is to yourself. You are not, nor will you ever be, able to help anyone until you begin to heal. Disclosing your abuse is something you can choose to do at any point in time. Don't make it a first priority. You don't need that pressure. So, first thing you need to do is find someone to talk to. A therapist is best. If you are in school or college anywhere that is a perfect spot. Otherwise, call the rape crisis hotline that is in virtually every county in the US - if indeed, you are in the US. They have people who can help you. They will be very gentle, supportive and kind. You can be anonymous, it will be safe. you are not the only one, and you aren't alone. A therapist can also help you sort out all these issues as well.
For my two cents, is there anyway you can try to have your sister and her cousin sleep at your house instead? Can you hint to your mother that you feel funny about your sister sleeping over there? Can you tell your sister that you feel uneasy about her sleeping there? In none of these scenarios do you need to disclose anything - just that you feel funny about it. Some other guys here will probably have much better ideas.
Keep posting. Welcome.
Paul


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#191579 - 11/16/07 08:55 AM Re: I am new and need help [Re: help_pls]
Gerald2007 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 157
Loc: Southeastern US
Dear help-pls,

First, welcome to the site.
Your situation does seem to be very complex.

Please hang in there until others with more experience can check in.

Take care,
Gerald

_________________________
Alumnus: Weekend of Recovery - Dahlonega, May 2008 and May 2009
We are bound together by the pain of the past and our hopes for the future.

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#191583 - 11/16/07 09:57 AM Re: I am new and need help [Re: Gerald2007]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6365
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Help_pls,

I'm very sorry you are in this situation.

Devastation is always a result of a child being sexually abused. That devastation is not limited to just you - the child. Clearly it may extend to other family members: Your brother whom is employed by the guy, your mother who would be devastated to hear her brother is "that," other family members, his own children, his wife..on and on. You are seeing that now. This is even causing you to hesitate to protect your kid-sister.

I'm not going to advise you as to what to do. But just remember, if you do disclose, and things blow-up in your family....ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! Its HIS fault. HE did this to YOU and ignored these "future ramifications." Well uncle, the future is here now!

You cannot take blame for the abuse OR the devastation the news will result in. HE did this...not YOU.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

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#191584 - 11/16/07 10:36 AM Re: I am new and need help [Re: Still]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Dear help plz,

I just wanted to tell you welcome, I'm so very sorry you need this place but I'm glad you found us. Just hang in there.

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#191585 - 11/16/07 10:59 AM Re: I am new and need help [Re: James_dup1]
thesun3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/06/07
Posts: 49
Welcome. I also stummbled on to this site and found a very supportive group of fellow survivors. Keep visiting and hopefully you will find guidance here.

_________________________
In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
Camus

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#191648 - 11/16/07 06:36 PM Re: I am new and need help [Re: thesun3]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
My suggestion is to do everything you can to protect your sister. You can't let anything happen to her, I really think that is your responsibility in this situation. I wish you the best. The help on MS is awesome. Hang in there.

Just a note, I was abused by my older brother and have not yet been able to confront him. So don't feel like you are alone out there. This is so hard on us victims.

Take care

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#191664 - 11/16/07 10:54 PM Re: I am new and need help [Re: KENKEN]
scotia1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/27/07
Posts: 81
Hi there;

I’m in agreement with Robbie on this one. Though it’s true “your very first responsibility is to yourself”, that however may not be your only responsibility. The harsh reality to this is pedophiles like your Uncle will most likely molest others. I am sorry for putting it bluntly but that is reality. Yes some within your family could be disturbed by what they hear if you do talk, but on the other hand what harm could continue if you don’t say something! I believe healing begins by speaking out.

I told about my abuse and honestly it was very difficult to do, but I’m very glad and proud that I did. To this day various family members still have a very tough time believing what happened. However, most people do believe me and are supportive.

Like Robbie said “ITS NOT YOUR FAULT”, it’s your Uncles fault, 100%. You being the child are not responsible for what the adult did.

My suggestion is find the strength to tell about your Uncle. You could be helping your sister and various others. In the end I’m positive you will not regret telling the truth.

Obviously you are a strong person. You are here speaking out.

Scotia


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