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#191428 - 11/14/07 07:26 PM Bad day at therapist!
Maynard Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/11/05
Posts: 49
I am really upset right now. I was at my therapist today having the usual conversations about nothing, and he asked me if there was anything on my mind. Since I have come back here I have fealt a lot better, so I had the courage to tell him I have been visiting this site. Keep in mind I have only touched on the the subject of being sexual abused, and he knows I have no memory of it. He asked me about my sister, who remembers, and told me about people with post traumatic stress who have flash backs of there abuse. He then went on to tell me that he does not know whether or not I was abused, but asked me to question myself if it happened and to come back next time and basically tell him what it stirred up. I don't know, he is good Dr. and I can understand why he asked me to question it. The thing that really pisses me off is that is what I have been doing for the past 10 years. When you have a 100 piece puzzle and are only missing 1 piece, in this case the actual memory, you can tell what the picture is. I don't want to have to explain in great detail all the pieces of the puzzle. All I could think about the whole drive home is coming here and writing down how I feel. I guess suddenly he just hit a nerve and I no longer fealt safe. I don't need to think if it didn't happen when I know it did. I don't want to gather every shred of evidence I have to prove that it did happen. I hate not remembering, but in some ways am glad because I can't have flash backs when I don't remember. But when he was asking me to question it I did have flashbacks of the house. I don't know? I guess the whole experiance stirred up a bunch of crap I try not to think of. Thank God there is a place like this where I know I am safe. Thank you all.

_________________________
"Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning." Mahatma Gandhi

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#191433 - 11/14/07 08:02 PM Re: Bad day at therapist! [Re: Maynard]
Gerald2007 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 157
Loc: Southeastern US
Maynard,

It seems to me that you are NOT under any obligation to prove to yourself or your therapist that you were abused.

I take it that the "99 puzzle pieces" lead you to think you were.
That should be sufficient. I am not an expert, but I believe that experts will tell us that sometimes survivors of CSA have no memory of the actual abuse.

Since you feel safe here,maybe this is a good place to deal with the "crap" that has been stirred up.

Take care,
Gerald

_________________________
Alumnus: Weekend of Recovery - Dahlonega, May 2008 and May 2009
We are bound together by the pain of the past and our hopes for the future.

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#191442 - 11/14/07 08:59 PM Re: Bad day at therapist! [Re: Gerald2007]
Maynard Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/11/05
Posts: 49
Thanks for the reply Gerald. Being SA is more of something I always knew in the back of my mind happened ever since I was a young kid. It has just been something that has taken me many years to come out of denial. I spent many nights at the abusers house with only partial memories, and as I grew older I heard more and more stories of him being a pedaphile. It is pretty much a fact that he was a pedaphile, my sister remembers, and there are many many stories of other young kids being abused by him.

_________________________
"Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning." Mahatma Gandhi

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#191447 - 11/14/07 09:42 PM Re: Bad day at therapist! [Re: Maynard]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
A colleague of mine more than 20 years ago talked about the mind being able to handle only so much trauma. Regarding sexual abuse, she said that for some survivors, the mind splits the abuse into three areas. The three may all be present and retrievable, or they may be only partially known.

The person may remember WHAT took place. He may remember WHO did it, and/or he may remember the FEELINGS accompanying the act(s).

So, for some people, ot means having access to all three aspects of the abuse or only one or two. That means a person may have a memory of Grandfather (who) forcing him to perform oral sex (what) but tells the story without any emotion (no feelings). Or he may have an uneasy feeling about Grandfather with no recollection of what the man did.

Ask your therapist why he thinks it is important for you to remember all the details. Sometimes, EMDR can help add detail to the experience, but at least it gets the negative emotions out of the way so you don't feel the pain as much.

Ken


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#191449 - 11/14/07 10:24 PM Re: Bad day at therapist! [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Took almost 3 years in therapy before I showed an emotion about my abuse. I would just play it down like it was no big deal. But eventually the walls broke down. Now I am putting the pieces together. I always knew who and what but never showed any feelings about my abuse. Now I'm feeling, I was filled with so much fear of expressing my emotions I shut them down. I never knew what I really felt about it and really did not want to. Now I have cried more than I have in years esp. reading the posts here. I also feel other emotions that I thought I would never feel like feeling happy and good about myself. Heck I wish I was able to open up sooner than I did if I knew the results were going to help me feel better.
there has also been so much that I had not remembered that was dug up while reading the forums. My therapist also told me to monitor my thoughts and one day it it hit me like a 2x4 upside the head, everything in my life reminded me of my abuser. I just never payed attention to those thoughts, just buried deep down and it was so automatic from doing this for over 20 years I was missing the connection. quick as a flash the thought was gone, then I would get depressed and would not know why. Now I know and it has changed my life. I'm not sure if this helps but I hope you find the answers you seek, and what works best in your life.
Peace
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#191456 - 11/14/07 11:15 PM Re: Bad day at therapist! [Re: GateKPR4]
Maynard Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/11/05
Posts: 49
Thank you Ken and Rick. Your replies were very insightful and helpful. I am feeling a lot better now than I was earlier. I guess my therapy session just stirred up a lot of unwanted feelings. When I was on the board earlier and reading other's post I had to quit because I just wanted to cry for all of us.

_________________________
"Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning." Mahatma Gandhi

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#191471 - 11/15/07 05:57 AM Re: Bad day at therapist! [Re: Maynard]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Your welcome Maynard,
It's OK to cry, we are human and have emotions. I used to hold it back all the time I just can't any more. It hurts me more to hold back tears when things are hitting home, tears that I might have cried years ago had I not been "A man" and void of valuable emotions. Most of the time I was just a scared little boy hurt and crying on the inside. It feels good to finally let it out. CSA has hurt me for far too long. I deserve a good life just as every one of us does. We can if we work at it, one day it may be easy to feel good, just as it was to feel bad. That give me hope just like you all here.
Hope you have a good day today
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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