Short background story:
I’ve been abused at the age of 6 (25 now), while staying for a short while at my grandparents home. I’ve never went back there except for their funeral. The abuser, a cousin left the country and I never got to confront him. I’ve never searched for any kind of help mainly because I’ve lived a good life. I had no major social issues, a lot of friends, a few girlfriends, for a while I was actually happy. At 14 I started drinking and smoking, it got so bad I was almost never sober, parents didn’t see it, they were concerned with me ditching school, and bad grades. Long term relationships ended with being dumped, and for some reason this had a devastating effect on me. At 18 a new girl helped me quit drinking. Recently I keep on getting worse, I am horribly depressed, I feel the need to strangle anyone who raises their voice at me, I’m incredibly paranoid and jealous, I use to have amazing insight, and power of concentration, biggest IQ in my college. And I’m a wreck, don’t know what to do, and I have the constant feeling that something bad is going to happen, I don’t want to be around people, I’ve got nightmares almost every night , my relationship feels like it’s killing me and I just don’t find it in me to stop it, I feel that people around me know that I am weak, I crave self control and it’s even worse because I know I had it.
I don’t need wishful thinking, everything is not going to be ok if you don’t do anything about it. Does anybody know what are the steps to take in retaking your life back. I hate feeling insecure, I hate to hate myself.
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