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#191328 - 11/13/07 09:01 PM My perp's old place (triggers)
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
This was the entrance to the trailer park that Kim (Kimball) lived in. In the summer of 1978, when I was 9 years old, between 3rd and 4th grade, I rode my bike in great anticipation, in the hope of seeing this adult friend of mine that would spend time with me and let me hang out with him and read his comic books and let me play with his cool model train set. He had a REAL model train set, die cast metal ones at 1/25th scale or whatever, they were BIG, and he had an elaborate setup for the trains to run on. Models of train stations, water towers, people, fences, bushes, all carefully airbrushed and with fine detail. Sometimes he would be home, sometimes he wouldn't. If I saw his truck in the driveway, I was so happy. I felt important, like I belonged. I had a friend.



So, after riding up only a few blocks from the park entrance, I would turn to the left and see weather or not he was there.



This is where it happened. His old late-60's model trailer has since been moved and scrapped, but this is where it happened. This is where, towards the front of the lot near the street, I was playing with his train set. It was in this front bedroom with the train set, that he "probed" me to see if I would say anything when he touched me. There was, coincidentally, only one stool to sit on, so I naturally sat on his lap. (Oh he was soooo clever!!) He would "conveniently" rest his hand on my private area to see what I would say. I remember a couple times having actually MOVED his hand off my privates area, but his hand would always make it back there. I now see exactly what he was doing. Much like a shark bump, see if your prey has a defense or can hurt you back, alas, I had none.

Towards the back of this lot, is where he would talk this 9 year old boy into letting him unzip his pants. This is where a 9 year old boy was being talked into sucking an older mans dick. This is where a 9 year old boy stopped feeling good about himself ever again.

This is the place that this 9 year old boy stopped coming to, because he got sick of putting up with the unwanted sexual bullshit just to have a friend. But it was too late, the damage was already done.

No, there are no good feelings about having done this. No, there is no sense of closure.


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#191333 - 11/13/07 09:48 PM Re: My perp's old place (triggers) [Re: Hauser]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Alan,
The room where I was abused is no longer in its original form as well. Its now a doctor's private office, it used to be the bedroom I shared with my brother. I could go back because the doctor was my fathers doctor and we sold him the house. Part of me thinks it will bring back lost memories that might give me a better idea of what actually happened but the other part fears that it will not.

I'm sorry that going back did not give you your desired result.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#191334 - 11/13/07 10:12 PM Re: My perp's old place (triggers) [Re: onlyakid]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
My abuse happened in the house next door to ours and in my own house (in the basement of each house) over the course of 6 years. My parents still live there... my perps parents still live next door.. and you know, his father has the same damn truck! So everytime I pull up to my folks' house, I see where it happened... I always have an initial panic that HE will be there visiting his parents - I always have a sick feeling in my stomach - I always have a sense of self hatred - but then I can stuff it back inside until the next time. I visit several times a month (I live about 40 miles away now)

Alan, I'm so sorry you didn't get some resolution -

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#191335 - 11/13/07 10:24 PM Re: My perp's old place (triggers) [Re: dannym]
Gerald2007 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 157
Loc: Southeastern US
Alan,
Sometimes healing a wound takes time. Think of your visit like dressing a wound. A physical wound needs time to heal after treating it. Perhaps the same thing will happen to your emotional wounds, now that you have done something that might help in the healing.

Take care,
Gerald

_________________________
Alumnus: Weekend of Recovery - Dahlonega, May 2008 and May 2009
We are bound together by the pain of the past and our hopes for the future.

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#191373 - 11/14/07 06:33 AM Re: My perp's old place (triggers) [Re: Gerald2007]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
This makes me so sad, Alan.

You talk about Kim like you're angry that all of this happened, but you're not necessarily mad at him for doing it to you.

Alan, I see a 9 year old kid here who stood up for himself in the face of his abuse. What did he get in return? He probably lost the best "friend" he ever had. Almost 30 years have passed since this 9 year old stood up for himself in such a brave way. Why do I suspect it was the last time?

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#191388 - 11/14/07 10:25 AM Re: My perp's old place (triggers) [Re: BJK]
thesun3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/06/07
Posts: 49
The high school where I was abused is abandoned. I can still make out the windows of the Biology class where my abuser fondeled me. I also found out thay my abuser is now in an old folks home....apperantly with senile dementia...I can't say I feel sorry for the old man...he must be in his late 70's or something. I can still see the look on his face though...I hate what he did to me....I guess he's paying for it...I'm sure I wasn't the only one........

_________________________
In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
Camus

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#191397 - 11/14/07 12:12 PM Re: My perp's old place (triggers) [Re: thesun3]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6596
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Alan,

I wish I had your courage and strength...to return to the scene and to look at things in such tangible terms. I get a bout of horror and sadness just looking at these pictures, knowing what went on there.

Someday I'll return to the scene as well...but its not in the near future.

I hope you are doing OK after this visit there.

_________________________
Objects In Mirror are Less Than They Appear.

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#191515 - 11/15/07 02:22 PM Re: My perp's old place (triggers) [Re: Still]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Alan,
Thanks for sharing these photographs and these de>
_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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