I'm angry at myself right now. I've wasted another day at work just staring at my computer screen.

And for what?

What good has it done me?

I wish I could look back on what I did this weekend and feel like I gained some kind of positive result.

I just don't feel that way right now.

I feel like somehow I messed everything up; that I should have done things differently.

At this moment, I feel like going there wasn't such a good idea, and I'm angry at myself for doing it.

I feel like I'm just trying to fool myself.

Maybe there is no greater force at work.

Maybe I need to accept the fact that sometimes things just happen and nothing I do will change that.


Scott

I went back home this summer to give my brother some support for an issue he was dealing with. I also had a lot of free time. I felt this need to go to as many places I could remember growing up. I did drive by the places where three of my abuses took place. The first I grew up in and the house was still there, built in 1909 and still standing. Had a lot of good memories there some were bad but most good. The second was a little freaky like I was a mile away as I passed by and hoped that nobody would see me as I drove by really slow. Felt danger and got the heck out of there. The third place was no longer there. The house where the worst abuse happened was gone as well as the surrounding houses. I was relieved when I saw them gone, and much fear was released. Like the evil neighborhood was replaced by good. It was a nice thought. I don't think I would have handled the last one very well if it had still been standing. It was not planned and I was alone. I don't recommend going it alone.
peace
Rick

Guys,


This experience is affecting me more than I thought.

I'm sorry for my rant yesterday.


Scott

I went back to the house i used to live in, were most of the abuse happened. Both myself and the wife stopped off on the way back from visiting our sons. I felt ok for the first part but i started to feel very uncomfortable, i sat in the car and started to feel scared. After we drove away and continued back on the journey home, it took a while but i started to feel ok.
Since then the flashbacks and nightmares have gotten stronger and more often.
With hindsight i wish i had never gone back.

Hi Guys,

We all have so much fear buried deep down, don't we? I also went back to visit a couple of the places where my abuse happened. I actually moved back to one of the towns for a job, and I was stunned by the experience. In my mind the whole place was a dark memory. But it turned out to be a beautiful sunny place (an island in the Carib.). And living there again helped me reclaim my own memory. The pain had changed my perceptions so I couldn't see the sun!

I can also relate to the feeling that everything should get fixed all at once. Like when you think that going to the old place will clear things up. To me experiences like this are mostly only helpful because they clear the memory. The places are really just places, not sites of abuse. And seeing them fresh helped me at least to appreciate that.

But the real healing for me is in changing my internal monologue and the daily habits of my life to reflect the me I would like to be rather than the poor kid still suffering from the abuse. I find that's the real problem; not so much that the abuse happened but what happened to me as a result of living with the abuse afterwards. I somehow built a self in response to the pain rather than just growing up.

Danny

Was going to post some pictures of when I went back, but for some reason they didn't copy over!

I did the same thing about 5 months ago and then i went to my so called mothers grave but not before i went to home depot and purchased a 20lb sledge hammer and smashed her headstone and it fell over and i then left and never returned.


It was real hard for me tp pull up in front of the house where it all happened so many years ago yet i too could not bring myself to stop and get out of the car although i circled the neighborhood several times and each time i passed by that house i felt numb all over....but i can see why you did this i believe we all need to allow ourselves to go through our process when we're ready and not be influenced by other people and their commetns about what they think you should do or not afterall it took alot of courage for you to confront your past.

God bless you and i wish you peace and comfort in your healing.

Coop

I have been reading about everyone's experiences going back to the place where their abused took place and it started me to begin thinking about my own experience. I was abused in my own bedroom by an older boy in the neighborhood. The abuse occurred multiple times and all in the same location. I remember saying things to my mother trying to bring her attention to what was going on and hopefully for her to stop it. Unfortunately, she never picked up on my comments and calls for help, and the ensuing years have been very painful and filled with complusive sexual behavior and all the other problems associated with CSA.

Approximately 14 years later, I moved away from that house when I got married. My bedroom was located upstairs and I can't remember every going back upstairs to go into that room after I left. After my mother died, I always found a reason not to go back to my old house where I grew up. I always found a reason to have my father visit us at our house. In my own mind, I could never figure out why I didn't want to go back there. I remember when ever I did go, I would get this very uneasy and scared feeling. I never understood why I felt that way, until now. It is only within the last year that I have been able to confront my CSA and emotions. I think that I was unconciously experiencing what you have been describing in your postings. It always seemed strange to me I never wanted to go back and visit the house where I was raised and nver wanted to show the house to my children.

I have to say, being on this site has really helped me get a better understanding of what I have been through and also helps to make sense of my feelings and emotions.

Thank you all for your candor and honesty.

Dan M.