I am wishing so hard to just be alone but I just can't make it be and I keep being enabled to go back to use and keep in this awful cycle that is destroying me mentally and physically and destroying those around me but i can't make it stop i just want it to stop and for me to be at peace with life but i can't ever make it so and i dont think it will ever happen and its hurting me so much i am trying to find new work so i can help with family but it is hard and it is always like someone is getting hurt around me something bad is happening and it always falls back to me onto me and i am suppose to be able to cope with all of this and i just cannot and it rips me apart and leaves me to try to find new ways of getting through to the next day... trying to sleep good night all

midnight,

The words in this post sound so very stressed. I have that same desire to be alone extremely often. I just wish I could go somewhere, all alone, and get all of this stuff sorted out in my head, then re-enter society when I am ready.

2 things that are food for thought that might give you some peace here... This is what I have to keep telling myself in order to remain grounded.

#1. I can't figure this out on my own. I need help, and I need to ask for help when I need it.

#2. This impulse to run and hide in order to heal: it's actually an impulse to run and hide from the world. Running and hiding from the world hasn't gotten me anywhere in the last 20 years, nor will it get me anywhere in the next 20 years.

So, those things being said -- I hope you can find some relief from whatever pressures are being such strong forces in your life right now. Try reciting these mantras a few times, and try a few deep breaths.

Keep sharing... It won't do you any good to keep this all bottled up.

Hope your sleep is going well,
~Brian

I've come to accept my limitations. My support structure (family) has been very understanding and supportive. I have a VERY negative view of myself, being as which I'm able to accomplish so little whilst others just seem to "progress" through life, landing careers, raising healthy families, etc., etc.

Mid? Are YOU being accepted as an abuse survivor? Are YOU being understood as to why you're not "making it" or able to "get your shit together"?

Let me tell you something, if you do bring the subject up with anyone as to why you're not able to fulfill your own expectations, their FIRST response BETTER be of the nature "You've got VERY GOOD reasons to not be succeeding", or something to that effect. If the people that you've shared your abuse history in your life can't understand the insidious nature of what you're struggling with, you may wish to consider cutting them out of your life for now, cuz the LAST thing you need is family that refuses to try to look at life through the foggy lenses of sexual abuse.