I heard someone say one time "The distance between the brain and the heart is about one foot, yet it's the longest journey some will ever take" And this really hit home for me. And guess it's where I am at in my recovery today. I "know" most of the right answers, just ask LOL. But this guy helped me see there is a difference in "knowing" and "understanding/believeing" that knowalge. For example, I KNOW I'm worth good things in my life. But how do I learn to "believe" that? Because knowing and believening are two different things. How do you move the information you have from your brain to your heart? I have no clue. All I do BELEIVE is I'm tired. I'm tired of recovery, I'm tired of fighting the demonds, I'm tired of each and every day pretending I'm "healthy". I'm tired of people who call themselves "friends" turning there backs on me just because my life isnt going a direction THEY think it should. I'm tired of liveing for everyone else, and when I deside to FINIALY try to learn to live for ME..... THEN I'M WRONG!!!!! I'm tired of every turn someone pointing out where I have failed, guess what? I know already, but hey thinks for turning the knife thats in my heart..because after all haveing a knife in ones heart doesnt hurt bad enough "you" need to twist it. I'm tired of trying to change things in my life only to fail at that. OH well maybe "they" are right, maybe I'll never change from where I am right now. Maybe I just need to work on likeing the person that's here today because I'll be liveing with him for the rest of my life. Maybe "they" are right..Im not able to change. Maybe, just maybe I'm the person who diserves to have friends turn there back on. Maybe I'm not ment to live for me. Maybe me being happy isnt important but makeing sure they are.

Sorry didnt mean for this to turn into a rant.

James

Hey James, I could have wrote this word for word for myself. Whenever I'd talk to the people in my life I'd say I got the "just speech", you "just" have to do this or you "just" have to do that. Jeez thanks for that, after being alone for 16 years I never thought about "just" doing it, where have you been all my life people. I'm of the same opinion, when their talking about helping me it was really for them.

Change is slow for me too, slow in my opinion anyway. I look back to a year ago and my thinking has changed, so at least I know the journey is possible.

Stay strong buddy
Mike

Rant on James! I'm right there with you. I have learned one thing over the past few weeks is "they" are not me. I have had it with recovery and I have started "recovering" where there is a goal which is "Recovered" and is obtainable. I refuse to spend the rest of my life in the dark pretending nothing is wrong like a good little puppet. There is plenty wrong and it's not all me.
I choose to face my demons when I'm ready and take control of my emotions, my mind, my life. I can't do that if I let "them" dictate those things for me.
For once in my life it's all about me! F*#$% em if they can't take reality.
I'll find new friends who don't judge me for being me. It may take time but that won't stop me.
I feel better now :-)
WOW I didn't know all that was in my head.
Thanks for helping me get that out James, great thread.
Rick
PS: For me "them" is anyone trying to control me or invalidate my experiences in life.

Thanks guys..... just haveing a pitty party I guess. Like I said I'm just really tired of everything right now.

James