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#190379 - 11/07/07 07:37 PM WANDERING
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
WANDERING THE PATH OF SHADOWS
HEAD SPINNING WITH SHARDS OF THE DARK CUBE
FEELING AND THOUGHTS BURNING AWAY
LEAVING HOLLOW MIRROR SPINNING AROUND ME
TOUCH THE MIRROR IT BURNS WITH MEMORIES
HATRED FOR FLEETING GLIMPSIES OF ME
CHILD SCREAMING SOUNDLESSLY FROM THE MIRROR
THE ME INSIDE IN CONSTANT BATTLE WITH THE REAL ME
THE PATH I WALK IS LINED WITH SHADOWS WATCHING WAITING
FOR THE CRY OF THE LITTLE ONE

LITTLE ONE IS HOLDING ONTO THE PAIN OF THE PAST
SCREAMING WITH DEAD EYES FROM THE SPINNING MIRROR
THE DARK SHADOW IS HUNTING HIM

SCREAM SHOUT THE VOID WILL HERE HIS CALL
BURNING WITH COILS OF HATRED
CALLING THE ONE WHO WANDERS THE SHADOW PATH INSIDE OF ME
I SLEEP BUT HE RAGES AND THUNDERS CALLING THE SHADOWS TO HIS BIDDING
RIPPING THE CONSTRAINTS OF MAN FROM HIS EYES
SHEDDING THE HUMANITY THAT BINDS HIM
STANDING TALL WITH BLUE LIGHT IN HIS EYES AND PAIN IN HIS HEART
BENDS THE MIRROR UNTIL THE DOOR TO THE CHILD OPENS
STANDING BEHIND THE LITTLE ONE WITH HAND ON HIS SHOULDER
LITTLE ONE LOOKS AT HIM WITH LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING
LITTLE ONE IS SAFE AND COMFORT BINDS HIM
SHEILDING HIM FROM ALL TORMENTERS
SHADOWS RISE AND FORM A WALL OF SPINNING LIGHT TO HIDE THE CHILD
OUTSIDE THE EARTH THUNDERS AND SMOKES
LIGHTNING RIPS THE EARTH APART HUNTING THE HUNTER
SHARDS OF BLUE LIGHT SHINES FROM BEHIND THE PROTECTORS MASK
LITTLE ME HOLDS OUT HIS HAND BEGGING FOR ME TO TAKE OFF THE MASK
I STEP BACK ALL I HAVE IS THE MASK TO SHEILD ME FROM THE PAIN AND LOSS
ONCE AGAIN I PUSH THE MASK BACK INTO PLACE HIDING MY FACE FROM THE WORLD
WHEN THE SUN STOPS BURNING AND THE EARTH GOES COLD THEN I CAN LIFT THE MASK
IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT IT WILL SOON BE OVER AND I CAN REST WITHOUT FEAR
SLEEP WITHOUT NIGHTMARES AND JUST BE ME IN THE DAYS LIGHT
BUT TILL THAT DAY THE MASK IS PART OF ME MY SHEILD FROM ALL THE SEEING EYES
WHISPERED MEMORIES AND DREAMS CANNOT SEE ME SHADOWS DONT HURT
BUT ALL I FEEL IS THE PAIN OF LIVING WITHOUT LIFE


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#190547 - 11/08/07 11:24 PM Re: WANDERING [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Seven,

I think that one thing we learn as we deal with our abuse issues is that the mask can't help us. The hurt just goes right through it, and all the mask does is hinder our ability to see and obscure our appreciation of our own strength. Just a thought.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#190564 - 11/09/07 04:36 AM Re: WANDERING [Re: roadrunner]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Perhaps it is like being a hermit crab, who has grown far too large, yet sees no new shell to call home... and all shadows seem to be seagulls.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#190571 - 11/09/07 07:51 AM Re: WANDERING [Re: dgoods]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Thannkyou both larry and dgoods for your words.

Yes i used to be able to hide behind the mask and i suppose i was pretending that all the pain and memories could not touch me.
Now i have opened up the mask and hiding dont work anymore, dgoods your post hit home, i do feel like someone trying to hide behind a mask that no longer fits me.
Its hard just to look at one problem and sort it out then move on to the next-ed, ive spent so long hiding the pain and confusion i feel that i dont know how to put aside all fears and speak about how i fully feel and what is inside of me.
So many times here at ms, i see a post in a forum and think yes thats me and i want to say my piece and answer the post. Something inside of me stops me, i know what it is, im scared that i will be ridiculed and i am ashamed of myself. I know this sounds weird being that we are all here for the same thing, recovery.
I have not been able to post due to fear, and if you only new me, then you would understand that saying im scared and afraid is the most hardest thing ive ever admitted. All my life from when i was a kid fear and any emotions were beaten out of me and i could never show how i felt, so i stopped feeling, now all the emotions and feelings are coming back and the adult me knows its ok to be scared but i have a block inside of me. I know i should not say sorry, but i am sorry for not being able to be just me and let others in.

Sorry but trying hard not to be sorry.


Backspin


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#190887 - 11/11/07 02:24 AM Re: WANDERING [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Seven,

Originally Posted By: SEVEN ARROWS
Sorry but trying hard not to be sorry.


Good! Right there is something to build on, my friend.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#190888 - 11/11/07 02:26 AM Re: WANDERING [Re: dgoods]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
dgoods,

Originally Posted By: dgoods
Perhaps it is like being a hermit crab, who has grown far too large, yet sees no new shell to call home... and all shadows seem to be seagulls.


Oh man!!!! There's a keeper if ever there was one! Thanks for taking such a difficult problem and putting it so clearly.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#191099 - 11/12/07 06:47 AM Re: WANDERING [Re: roadrunner]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Larry

I try to post in the forums how i feel and what is happening in my life, but i find it very hard to open up.
I find in poetry that both of us can put words to how we feel and sometimes it just pours out and i have to make a conscious effort to stop, or i would fill pages and pages of our ramblings. It still fills me with terror just thinking about posting and letting others in, but im trying to let others in, so i apologise if i bounce all over and one minute im ok the next ed im down.


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#191100 - 11/12/07 06:51 AM Re: WANDERING [Re: dgoods]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
dgoods

Thank you, in one sentence you have managed to put how i feel. I have copied the words and they are now stuck on a post it note on the edge of my computer, so i can see them everyday. Just these simply words have given me something to think about. Thank you.


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#191113 - 11/12/07 09:16 AM Re: WANDERING [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
My pleasure Backspin- they just sorta came to me, the poem was very vivid, it helped me understand how i can be so fierce about some things, but so terrified of others- you never know when something you post might help another... \:\)
I can't wait to see Beowulf, the original monster-slayer... very inspirational ;\)

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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