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#190941 - 11/11/07 11:54 AM Am I being selfish??????
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
OK guys need some help with something. I'm going to post this here. If it's in the wrong place sorry and please move it. So here it goes.

Im going to try to give a short background but hope its not much. I was married to the woman who my ex for just over 18 years. And Ive been divorced for just about 4 years. Durning the marriage there were a ton of issues (yeah go figure, right?LOL) anyways one of the issues was my sexuality. She knew I liked men. Well early on she told me to make a choice either men or her and my family (I have 3 children). So I picked my family. Issue went unresolved even though I wasnt seeing any men. The divorce was peaceful enough, I wanted she didnt but she didnt fight it. Over the last four years I have had a ton of phone calls with her in which she is crying and telling me she wants me back. Wants to give it another try, shes changed, shes not the same person she was, etc. see just before we were divorced she used information I trusted in her about my past just for the soul purpose of hurting me to the core of my soul and it worked it did. Over this last summer I spent a ton of time on the phone with her listening to how much a failure I am as a husband/father/man. So anyways, I am moving to the town she lives in so I can support my son while he goes too school. And I have desided to date a man when I get moved. I have told all my kids and they are ok with it. However my ex is freaking out on me. She tells me Im being disrespectful to her, that I should at least give her the respect she diserved while being married and NOT move to her home and flaunt this lifestyle around her. I tried to explain to her that this move isnt about her no matter how hard she wants to make it about her, its about me supporting my son while hes in school. She wont let him live with her because of her beliefs (which I do not fault her for, they are hers and she is intitled to believe what she wants). But my son has a g/f and they are not married so he cant live with her while living in sin. The reason she is living there is because he was going to live with her, but over time her choices have changed to where thats not going to happen for our son. So in steps dad to make sure he has the support he needs to finish school. Its only 9 months. She wants me to move any place else and try to support two households honestly I dont make enough to do that. She tells me Im being selfish and only thinking of myself. That if I move to her home I will distroy any and all progress she has made in her recovery. We have been planing my move down there most of the summer and she didnt have any issues till this came out. Shes a survivor as well and has a very hard time dealing with the divorce. She is in a good place right now, seems happy with her life, starting to move forward and let go of some of the past not all but some. So shes telling me if I do this I will distroy her and her progress and she doesnt think she will recover from it. What I am asking is this: Am I being selfish? I dont think so because my reason for moving has ZERO to do with her. Its about me being there for my son and supporting him while hes in school. I mean this is the first time I am going to date a guy, does she really think I want to be anywhere around my ex-wife while Im doing this. Am I just not seeing it? Any advice is needed.

Thanks

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#190944 - 11/11/07 11:59 AM Re: Am I being selfish?????? [Re: James_dup1]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
she's being lame. in terms of "falunting your lifestyle"... i can see the potential for issues with your son. he might say he is okay with it, but when he actually sees you kissing a guy or taking him into your room, its a whole other ball park. so i know you want to date/kiss/fuck this new boyfiend but ease into that slowly. for your sake and your sons. if possible, use his house if you want to get down and dirty right off the bat.


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#190946 - 11/11/07 12:11 PM Re: Am I being selfish?????? [Re: Jarrad]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
LOL...leave it to you Jarrad to cut right to the chace of things. And yes we have already talked about that. LOL

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#190949 - 11/11/07 12:21 PM Re: Am I being selfish?????? [Re: James_dup1]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
haha im just sayin'! you are about ready to jump him now. it's gonna be worse when you get there.


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#190954 - 11/11/07 12:44 PM Re: Am I being selfish?????? [Re: Jarrad]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
James,

You are not being selfish at all. Assuming you are not moving to a one-street hamlet there is no reason why you and your ex ever need to see one another. The marriage didn't work out and you have parted company, but you are still your son's Dad. I think it's wonderful that you want to be closer to him and offer him support.

If anything I see the selfishness sitting entirely on your wife's side of the fence. She wants everything her way, otherwise she will plead that her life and recovery are wrecked. The truth of the matter is that she needs to move on same as you have. She doesn't HAVE to judge her son for his decision to live with a girl he cares about any more than she HAS to feel define her life as ruined if you move closer to support him. What's she's trying to do is emotional blackmail, pure and simple.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#190965 - 11/11/07 01:29 PM Re: Am I being selfish?????? [Re: roadrunner]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Originally Posted By: roadrunner
What's she's trying to do is emotional blackmail, pure and simple.


Larry,

This is what I was thinking. But with the back history I started to doupt myself in my choice to move and support my son. It wasnt a good marrage for eithe of us. And I really do wish her the best. I hope she finds someone who will be the husband she wants/needs him to be, it's not me.

Thanks,
James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#190967 - 11/11/07 01:35 PM Re: Am I being selfish?????? [Re: roadrunner]
Darren Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 120
Loc: The High Seas
I hate it when straights accuse us of 'flaunting' our lifestyle. And they're not 'flaunting' theirs? Anyway, i agree with everyone here. The only one being selfish is her. Do what you need to do. In the meantime, try to ignore her.

_________________________
“Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates” -Mark Twain

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#190976 - 11/11/07 02:49 PM Re: Am I being selfish?????? [Re: Darren]
River Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 112
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
James,

I agree with the previous comments... especially the one about emotional blackmail.

This is "her stuff" pure and simple. The fact that she cannot see the benefit of you being there for your son (and her son) speaks VOLUMES. It has become all about her, and she has lost sight of her own child's needs.

I would encourage you not to have any additional discussions with her about this.



Edited by River (11/11/07 02:49 PM)
_________________________
GD

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#191087 - 11/12/07 12:53 AM Re: Am I being selfish?????? [Re: River]
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
James,

There's one thing I'm not really clear on - you said in your original post that you are "moving into her home". Is this literally? Will you be in the same house as her? If this is the case, is this the most healthy of choices for either of you?

And, I agree with Jarrad - if you are serious about this guy, consider going to his place. This is not a question of gay or straight lifestyle - I just think if I were a single parent, I would be careful about what kind of example that I set around my children as far as relationships are concerned. I would be reluctant to bring anyone home (man or woman) to spend the night. I hope you don't think this statement judgemental because it is not meant to be - it's just my personal feeling that I have certain obligations as a parent to consider my choices around my children.

As to the question of being "selfish" - absolutely NOT! I think that you are making a huge sacrifice for the good of your child. This seems to be something that your ex cannot see - it's not about her or you - it's about what is best for your son. If your moving closer will help him finish school, then you are doing a good thing which is something that your son will be forever grateful to you. She sounds like a person who thinks more about herself and her needs over those of her children. This can be healthy to a certain extent, but she seems very rigid and inflexible.

And, if I can offer another suggestion, whenever you have conversations with your children about her, try to remember that she is still their mother. You seem to be able to draw that line between relationship and children which is more than most people are able to do.

Hope this is helpful.

SD

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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#191091 - 11/12/07 01:18 AM Re: Am I being selfish?????? [Re: sophiesdad]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
SD,

No when I say her "home" I mean the city, not the same house. In fact we will not even be neighbors.

As to me bringing someone into the home to spend the night. Well I have already said thats not going to happen. He's got enough on his plate right now without me adding any thing else on it.

As for the fact she's still there mother. Yes I do not and will not bad mouth her to them. Even if she doesnt give the same respect to me. Even when she went to jail for pulling a knife on me and I filed for divorce, I told the kids it takes 2 to make a marrage work and 2 to make one fail. That the issues in the marrage that lead to the divorce was just as much mine as her's. I didn't want them to think it was her fault when it wasnt it was OUR fault.

And I want to thank everyone for there reply's to this. It helps.

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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