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#190881 - 11/11/07 12:43 AM for fnf feedback on new "welcome" sticky
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
hi there fnf -

nathan our beloved and oh so excellent webmaster \:\) has agreed to post a "Welcome" sticky for the FNF forum after i suggested it.

he's asked what would i like it to say and i said how about first a "Welcome" and "If this is your first time here" for a title; then how about all fnf here putting in your suggestions and we could put something together with that.

the reason behind this is because unfortunately, most (many? all?) people who come to this site are in a likely state of distress, or even crisis and just something to put them a little at ease while waiting for a reply might be helpful.

so how about it ladies? think about the first time you came here and what would you like to see that would help you the most.

ok, here's someone asking for YOUR opinion so have at it!!

indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#190882 - 11/11/07 12:52 AM Re: for fnf feedback on new "welcome" sticky [Re: indygal]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Not a lady but I think you should tell them they are not alone. I know there is a lot of talk about how us men feel this, but sometimes I think you lady's need to hear it as well. I also think there should be something in there about being sure to take care of yourselves. I tell people from F&F all the time "Takeing care of you IS takeing care of your loved one".

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#190931 - 11/11/07 11:12 AM Re: for fnf feedback on new "welcome" sticky [Re: James_dup1]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
wow indygal, this is a fabulous idea!!!

James has said it...You are not alone!
Also some mention of the symptoms that we as partners have seen or think we have...like the pushing away of the survivor to all he seems to previously care for...the acting out...the triggers.
certainly not this explicit but mentioning the issues might make someone new identify with us and feel like they have reached the right place.
*The need for the survivor to be in charge of his/her own recovery.
*The understanding that as partners we also share in the survivors grief and we also search for answers.
* That partners are not trained professionals or therapists and both can be required for this journey...
This list could go on and on.
How exciting that we can have a voice that could help future partners in pain.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you....
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#191102 - 11/12/07 07:46 AM Re: for fnf feedback on new "welcome" sticky [Re: mmac]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
thanks for the encouragement - i'll be away for a few days while traveling but will think some more on what to say and post when i return - i hope others will continue to post your suggestions also

all the best,
indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#191212 - 11/12/07 08:14 PM Re: for fnf feedback on new "welcome" sticky [Re: indygal]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Welcome to a new world. One Iím sure you wouldnít choose to be a part of, but which has come into your life uninvited. There are other people here who are also finding their way through this reality who will talk to you as a friend without ever having met you because they understand how confused and hurt you are. No matter the event that brought you here, you will find that all who are here have similar issues and pains. We are all bound by one awful reality; the men we love were harmed as children and continue to be harmed in adulthood. You may have known very early in your relationship or you may not have found out until you were married for 20 years; it doesnít matter. Youíre here because you love your man and you want to know what you can do to help and support him. Just as important, you need to know how to help yourself. Youíll find as much support here as we can offer.

Read as much as you can handle and post when you feel you can. Ask as many questions as come to your mind. Youíll be shocked at how many of us have asked the same questions. Every answer from every partner and survivor provides a new piece of the puzzle. As you learn from us, we will learn from you too. Thatís how we are able to come together.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this strange new world.

There are so many other things I could say, but if I let myself go, this would be a novel, not a sticky \:D so these are just a few words that felt right. Great idea Indy.

ROCK ON...........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#191263 - 11/13/07 09:12 AM Re: for fnf feedback on new "welcome" sticky [Re: Trish4850]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
My first time here I was quickly rushed to a place full of cyber hugs....I needed that, a little hysterical, crying, shaking my head in disbelief that my world was suffering an earthquake. Well that was me, but I also was calmed by the fact of the statistics I read to my partner about CSA. He responded to that, letting out an emphatic, "HUH!" after I read them. Just a thought I know it's only a sticky but wanted to share.

Great idea, Indy

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#191271 - 11/13/07 11:02 AM Re: for fnf feedback on new "welcome" sticky [Re: Agape Girl]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Trish,

That was very well writen. I think Indy had/had a great idea for this.

Apape,
A cyber hug is a great idea as well. Sometiems y'all/us just need to know someone out there cares.

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


Top
#191299 - 11/13/07 03:24 PM Re: for fnf feedback on new "welcome" sticky [Re: James_dup1]
Amanda_D Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/07
Posts: 62
Loc: Great Lakes State Michigan is ...
Hello, I can't say enough how much this site has helped me. And our marriage. It has answered so many of the questions I've had without even knowing it.

I am seeing our theripist sometime this week, and she wants to hear all about. She said she has never heard of it. I can tell already from talking on the phone, she was happy I found it.

Our surviving men need our support. For the last 8 years I have felt myself become weaker and weighted down with his abuse. Even just a few months ago I wanted to leave. I felt I was just at the end of my ropes with my husband.

I love him so much, but I could see myself changing into this person I did not like. I was more depressed then ever, and I was taking on the same trates as he was. And I always thought that my needs for companionship were never there, or least my problems were to small to even consider when comparing mine to his.

I think it is a great idea. We can take the information with wherever we are in our community's and let others know it is here as well. At least that is what I want to do. Jobs are scarce around here, as well as Insurance to pay for a Theripist. There are no support groups around here, and so many couples live in misery.

This site has proven to my husband and I that it has all the power to do nothing but help!

"It's our Turn to let this world know we are here"

Thanks so much for caring all of you! You will never know how much you all mean to me, and so many others.

_________________________
"Just Breath" Your here and that makes all the difference!.....(wife of a surviver, trying to survive as well!) Here to get some answers and support...Here to do what I can to be a hearing ear.....Thankyou to all of you, ahead of time!

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#191356 - 11/13/07 11:55 PM Re: for fnf feedback on new "welcome" sticky [Re: Amanda_D]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
That you are not alone, that this nightmare is real but we are here to hold your hand through it, that you can survive it, as we are, that finally you can have all the answers to the mysterious things about your husband...I felt when I found this site and started reading, that I finally knew my husband of 15 yrs for the first time ever. In a way that in itself was exhilerating but heartbreaking at the same time.

When I found this site and learned, it was as if the whole universe just cracked open and gave me all the answers I had long ago given up on ever discovering about why it seemed my husband and I couldn't really be very close, why he couldn't look me in the eyes for long, why he seemed like a little boy in so many ways. He never, even to this day, has let me know just how destroyed he was as a child.

I remember a quote that I read somewhere years ago: 'The greatest pain is that which you cannot tell another.'

That there is hope. They need to know that this doesn't have to end their marriage or their bond. It can in fact be the first stepping stone to greater intimacy, finally. The understanding one gains sows compassion. For some reason lately I've felt I am just a stubborn person; I do not want to allow this CSA stuff to beat us!!

Thanks for a great thread.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#191963 - 11/19/07 11:51 PM Re: for fnf feedback on new "welcome" sticky [Re: Brokenhearted]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Possible Topic Title:

WELCOME TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS OF SURVIVORS PLEASE READ HERE FIRST



If this is your first time at the Friends and Family of Male Survivors forum, first of all we want to extend a warm welcome. Chances are you are pretty worried right now and maybe even in a state of shock concerning revelations that a man in your life has been sexually abused whether as a child in his past, or even as an adult.

Please understand you are not alone. This is very important - the statistics are piling up - male survivors of csa (childhood sexual abuse) are out there among us - and more and more are coming forward every day to deal with these tragic and traumatic acts which effect the lives not just of those who were directly abused but also families, friends and later on in life, partners, wives, girlfriends and coworkers.

This forum, the Friends and Family Forum (known here as FNF) exists for our questions, our concerns, to both cry and laugh, to share or just to read and learn. There are countless stories on here that all ring true in one respect - the man who is the survivor demonstrates difficulty in relating to those who love him the most.

Some of us have offered up some words of wisdom we'd like to share:

*Welcome to a new world. One I'm sure you wouldn't choose to be a part of, but which has come into your life uninvited. There are other people here who are also finding their way through this reality who will talk to you as a friend without ever having met you because they understand how confused and hurt you are. No matter the event that brought you here, you will find that all who are here have similar issues and pains. We are all bound by one awful reality; the men we love were harmed as children and continue to be harmed in adulthood. You may have known very early in your relationship or you may not have found out until you were married for 20 years; it doesn't matter. You're here because you love your man and you want to know what you can do to help and support him. Just as important, you need to know how to help yourself. You'll find as much support here as we can offer.

*Read as much as you can handle and post when you feel you can. Ask as many questions as come to your mind. You'll be shocked at how many of us have asked the same questions. Every answer from every partner and survivor provides a new piece of the puzzle. As you learn from us, we will learn from you too. That's how we are able to come together.

* YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this strange new world.

* Not a lady but I think you should tell them they are not alone. I know there is a lot of talk about how us men feel this, but sometimes I think you lady's need to hear it as well. I also think there should be something in there about being sure to take care of yourselves. I tell people from F&F all the time "Takeing care of you IS takeing care of your loved one".

* You are not alone! Also some mention of the symptoms that we as partners have seen or think we have...like the pushing away of the survivor to all he seems to previously care for...the acting out...the triggers. certainly not this explicit but mentioning the issues might make someone new identify with us and feel like they have reached the right place.

*The need for the survivor to be in charge of his/her own recovery.

* The understanding that as partners we also share in the survivors grief and we also search for answers.

* That partners are not trained professionals or therapists and both can be required for this journey.

* My first time here I was quickly rushed to a place full of cyber hugs....I needed that, a little hysterical, crying, shaking my head in disbelief that my world was suffering an earthquake. Well that was me, but I also was calmed by the fact of the statistics I read to my partner about CSA. He responded to that, letting out an emphatic, "HUH!" after I read them.

* I can't say enough how much this site has helped me. And our marriage. It has answered so many of the questions I've had without even knowing it. I am seeing our theripist sometime this week, and she wants to hear all about. She said she has never heard of it. I can tell already from talking on the phone, she was happy I found it.

* Our surviving men need our support. For the last 8 years I have felt myself become weaker and weighted down with his abuse. Even just a few months ago I wanted to leave. I felt I was just at the end of my ropes with my husband.

* I love him so much, but I could see myself changing into this person I did not like. I was more depressed then ever, and I was taking on the same trates as he was. And I always thought that my needs for companionship were never there, or least my problems were to small to even consider when comparing mine to his.

* "It's our Turn to let this world know we are here"

* You are not alone, that this nightmare is real but we are here to hold your hand through it, that you can survive it, as we are, that finally you can have all the answers to the mysterious things about your husband...I felt when I found this site and started reading, that I finally knew my husband of 15 yrs for the first time ever. In a way that in itself was exhilarating but heartbreaking at the same time.

* When I found this site and learned, it was as if the whole universe just cracked open and gave me all the answers I had long ago given up on ever discovering about why it seemed my husband and I couldn't really be very close, why he couldn't look me in the eyes for long, why he seemed like a little boy in so many ways. He never, even to this day, has let me know just how destroyed he was as a child.

* I remember a quote that I read somewhere years ago: 'The greatest pain is that which you cannot tell another.'

* There is hope. This doesn't have to end your marriage or your bond. It can in fact be the first stepping stone to greater intimacy, finally. The understanding one gains sows compassion. For some reason lately I've felt I am just a stubborn person; I do not want to allow this CSA stuff to beat us!!


Last but not least as you embark upon what may be a new albeit challenging journey, from all of us at FnF:

* A cyber hug is a great idea as well. Sometimes y'all/us just need to know someone out there cares.


The Friends and Family of Male Survivors Forum

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

Top
#191972 - 11/20/07 03:56 AM Re: for fnf feedback on new "welcome" sticky [Re: indygal]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
everyone,

Nathan informs me he will be looking this over and commenting, etc. after the Thanksgiving holiday so until then, please continue to comment if you like.

I appreciate all the input - honestly I think it looks pretty good and maybe will help someone feel a little less scared about being here, you think?

all the best,
indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

Top
#192002 - 11/20/07 05:00 PM Re: for fnf feedback on new "welcome" sticky [Re: indygal]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
hey indygal,
great work....
I really feel proud to be a part of helping any future partners and family members that face what we are going through.
If we can reach and further the understanding of just one partner, just one family, then we have done a great thing.

Keep it going and keep us posted.
Thanks again,
Meri \:\)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

Top
#192937 - 11/28/07 08:08 AM Re: for fnf feedback on new "welcome" sticky [Re: mmac]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
bumping this up for the newbies while we wait for Nathan.

indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

Top
#192953 - 11/28/07 09:31 AM Re: for fnf feedback on new "welcome" sticky [Re: indygal]
Therese Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/23/07
Posts: 24
Good morning all,
In one of the first posts, we were addressed as ladies. While in fact, I am a lady, please remember that family members and friends include gentlemen as well. We want to make everyone feelwelcome and at ease.
Therese


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#193056 - 11/28/07 09:33 PM Re: for fnf feedback on new "welcome" sticky [Re: Therese]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: Therese
Good morning all,
In one of the first posts, we were addressed as ladies. While in fact, I am a lady, please remember that family members and friends include gentlemen as well. We want to make everyone feelwelcome and at ease.
Therese



Therese,

yes, i was directly addressing the female members of FNF as those are who are the responding voices in the FNF forum.

survivors who answer do so as contributing their experiences and advice in order to help.

i don't recall any same-sex fnf members ever responding - i'm thinking that's because they probably veer over to the gay survivors forum - certainly male partners are welcome here but if they are present they've not been vocal about it, therefore, ladies are the ones being addressed.

ok?
all the best,
indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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