Newest Members
DT, kk90, Austintexan, Cancan, LS
12257 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Blank (36), christx (41), Heartonfire (38), Nathan LaChine (31)
Who's Online
2 registered (truestory, 1 invisible), 19 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12257 Members
73 Forums
63124 Topics
441424 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#190624 - 11/09/07 03:11 PM denial to protect "self"
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
Denial in my family has been so obvious and although none(that i'm aware of anyway were abused on my fathers side) were abused i know that virtually most people go into some form of civil service ....cops,firefighters,lawyers,nurses,doctors....etc etc ...I have two first cousins who are not only brothers but cops as well my point is the very people who i want to be close with and have some form of bond i feel as though they want nothing to do with me.


When these cousins found out i was sexually abused (they were both police officers by this time) they did what they needed to protect themsleves in that they denied it and never once mentioned it,although one of them talked with me about surface stuff never the actual abuse and especially by whom it was.

Do you think it's their way of dealing with and avoiding the truth in that i knew these guys/kids/teenagers for most of their lives and now that they are cops is it rough for them to realize it's happened in their own backyard.


How can i,or how will i be able to have the kind of relationship with them i know will never happen yet desperately desire it.

We're all older now and seeing they both see and deal with essentially all the trauma and crime that are committed in society to think that it's happened and unable to do anything about it does it scare them,will it always be this way(they're both fairly new on the department(4years and 3yrs repectively)and although no one can definitively answer this loaded question i am simply wondering can this csa bring us closer seeing one of them is married with a child or otherwise keep their distance because not sure with themselves as a result of the abuse they know all about from their parents.

Finally both of their parents were like mom/dad to me and i had lots of issues as a kid therefore is it safe to say my family is still in denial or am i overthinking this however i have seen the avoidance and distance they keep afterall what do i expect,for them to come running to me and comfort and nuruture me.....i'm feeling real neglected although want to desperately be accepted....who knows i guess it is what it is and until "time" heals all wounds i believe "it" will never be the same.


Coop

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

Top
#190650 - 11/09/07 07:14 PM Re: denial to protect "self" [Re: thecoopstah]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Coop,

I believe denial of some sort exsists in every family dynamic, whether it be CSA, or Alcoholism, or Lying, or whatever...

I think you are partially correct on your read of your cousins, however, may I add that due to the fact that they see it all as cops, they can understand a little better than most, of what you
went through. Relationships with family are not like when we are younger. As adults we actually get to decide whether we like an individual (family aside). You are not just the CSA anymore than they are just the cops. Get to know them and let them get to know you. Over time, the mood will lighten, i believe.

On their parents,unless they have indiciated otherwise, you are probably "their little Coop" still. People that truley parent, love that child as their own. Your CSA will not and should not change that. If you haven't yet talked to them,( when and if you are ready,) I would recommend it. They might not understand it, but by the way you describe them, it seems they will have the compassion and love you seek.

Time does heal all wounds, but only with understanding and honesty. It will come.

M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

Top
#190748 - 11/10/07 08:59 AM Re: denial to protect "self" [Re: mmac]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Coop,
I grew up just outside Boston, i knew lots of families like you describe, one thing that seemed to be true was unless it was sports, politics, or something like that, you DIDN'T talk about it. I had friends whose families were full of physical/verbal abuse, alcoholism, etc. but that was just what you could see after going over their house a few times, everything was squeaky-clean on the outside, the men especially would rather sit in front of a TV at a bar or at home, and get hammered in bitter silence every night rather than talk about ANYthing. I'm sorry you're not getting what you need by way of support from the family, but i can't say i'm that surprised, cops especially have a lot they can't talk about for legal reasons, and all the crap they see makes it hard for many to take a sunny view of people in general. I don't know if this helped, but just wanted you to know i feel ya.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

Top
#190860 - 11/10/07 10:53 PM Re: denial to protect "self" [Re: dgoods]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Coop,

The feeling of "we don't talk about it" is generational. My grandparents never talked about anything.."Children should be seen and not heard" was the way they were raised. Our parents were a tad more open...but still buy into that belief.
I believe most folks cannot fathom the CSA as a subject in itself, let alone having it occur with someone so close or even harder, someone they love.
Certain professionals (Cops, Firefighters, Doctors, Medical personnel) seem to be taught " no discuss/no disclose" as part of their professions way of dealing with the atrocities they see daily. I can't help but think that it crosses into their private lives too.
As I previously said, give them a chance to know you (not just the CSA) and you'll get to know them and see if you truly wish to forge a friendship.

Give yourself a break Coop. \:\) You're a great man and they love you,
they just need to come to terms with it all.
May I suggest, if they are open to it, a book or article about CSA. Something simply written, that would give them a better understanding.

With knowledge comes understanding and acceptance.
God will guide them as he does us all.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.