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#190753 - 11/10/07 10:32 AM Sticking my neck out.
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Sticking my neck out, sounds about right to me. My csa started when i was very young. So i never learnt about feelings and how to use them. If i showed any feeling or emotion it was beaten out of me and i had lectures about how weak it was to let people know how you felt. I soon learnt that to show emotions meant you were weak and if you were weak then no one would love you or like you.
So i just shut off and i would sit against the gym wall at school and watch how the other kids reacted. I soon learnt how to mimic all the things i would need to pass as NORMAL.
I did not get it right all the time and i became the weird one at school. This got me sent to see the school counsellor several times. My mum thought it was to do with the problems that she and dad were having at home. When i was at home with my dad he would make me tell him everything that i was asked and then he would tell me what i was to say and if i got it wrong he would hit me. It was noted when i was in the army that i was cold and did not let anything bother me. This plus the fact that i found i was very good at being a soldier, got me transferred to a specialist unit. Same thing here i could not show any emotion because we were not supposed to feel fear.
Now at the age of 39 its like the wall i built in my mind has started to crumble.
All the emotions are hitting me from every side, but nearly all the time its like i have an undercurrent of anger floating in my mind. I snap and get worked up over the littlest things. I have panic attacks when i have to leave the house and if im around people i get very angry and start to panic, this just gets me more angry.
This is causing so many problems not just with my life, but also with my wife She is trying to help me and i try not to, but i snap at her for no reason.
At times i wish i had never opened myself up to all these new feelings and emotions. But i know if im to sort all this out and function, i must learn how to handle and use them. Sorry if this got a bit long but , not sure what to say except sorry.


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#190757 - 11/10/07 10:52 AM Re: Sticking my neck out. [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
thesun3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/06/07
Posts: 49
Hi SA....
It can be scary to experience raw emotion after its been beaten deep into you. But as they say "Feeling is Healing". I believe a good therapist that is trained in anger control and sex abuse issues can help you and your wife get through this.

_________________________
In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
Camus

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#190848 - 11/10/07 10:24 PM Re: Sticking my neck out. [Re: thesun3]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Seven,

I don't know what to say except to assure you that as we relearn how to feel, it's almost inevitable that we go through a stage where we are flooded and overwhelmed as all the feelings pour out. I told my T it was like an emotional hurricane.

Have you told your wife what you say in this post? I bet she would like to hear it. After all, these issues are affecting you too.

How are you making out with the specific problems you are having? PM me if you like and we can talk about them. I am still in the States, but I will be back on the other side of the pond on Tuesday.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#190952 - 11/11/07 12:43 PM Re: Sticking my neck out. [Re: thesun3]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
thesun3
I have been seeing a counsellor for a while now, i go once a week and talk or try to talk about my problems. This does not always work out the way i want it to as i get very angry and confused when i try to talk about the past. I have split on my counsellor and damaged furniture in his office, he is ok with this and is trying to help me. My doctor is referring me to a physciatrist who deals with csa and will take over my meds.


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#190955 - 11/11/07 12:50 PM Re: Sticking my neck out. [Re: roadrunner]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Larry
Yes i do let my wife read my posts and i try to talk to her about how i am, but its not always easy for me to express my thoughts into words that convey what i really feel.

Thankyou and yes i would like to pm you, and i would like to meet with you again and this time i hope to be able to talk more. Thankyou again Larry.


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