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#190657 - 11/09/07 08:20 PM yelling....
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
So I dissociated heavily at work today....for almost 3 hours. I have no idea what I did for those three hours. I have no recollection of anything.

The last thing I remember was my two co-workers yelling at each other. They later tried to explain to me that they were bickering in a "friendly" manner, just giving each other crap. I tried asking them to be quiet several times. I couldn't hear myself talk, and I panicked. I remember covering my ears and going "la, la, la, la" like a little kid. That's the last thing I remember until about ten minutes before quitting time when the gal who works next to me asked me, quite out of the blue, "what the hell are you doing?"

I had grabbed one of my windows with my mouse pointer, and I was dragging it around in circles on my desktop aimlessly. My co-worker said she had been watching me for almost ten minutes.

I tried to explain what happened to her, but I feel like such a fucking wimp. "You've been acting weird all afternoon", she said. "You just need to lighten up."

I'm pretty fucking scared right now.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#190666 - 11/09/07 10:11 PM Re: yelling.... [Re: BJK]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Byran,
I don't know what to say to you, I've never experienced that but I do know that there are alot of people here that will be there for you, and care about you very much. I know one of them will know what your going through and help you.


Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#190720 - 11/10/07 01:33 AM Re: yelling.... [Re: onlyakid]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Holy shit Bryan. This is TOTALLY outside of the realm of my experience, I don't know what to say of this.

Could it be that the memories of all the turmoil and chaos in your childhood home were being stirred up into the workplace bickering that you had no choice but to listen to?

Please don't be scared ok? You've been pretty honest and transparent with your co-workers about your past, they should be able to understand ok?


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#190736 - 11/10/07 02:42 AM Re: yelling.... [Re: Hauser]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bryan,

The main thing here is that something happened to frighten you, so here you are talking about it. That's already a great first step. I have lost time in the past, but not three hours. Try not to let this get to you too much, but yes, it's something to raise with your T to see what you can do about it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#190755 - 11/10/07 10:41 AM Re: yelling.... [Re: roadrunner]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Thanks for your responses, guys.

I guess here might be a good place to make public another encounter I had with my T a few weeks back. I was describing my most recent flashback to her, and I lost a big chunk of the conversation. I have no idea what I told her, but then she snapped me out of it with a very strange question. She asked me "how old are you?" Her next question, when I answered 32, was "where were you just now?"

I talked to her about it in my next session, and she made me feel a lot better by pretty much telling me not to worry about it. We'd deal with it if and when the time came to deal with it. But then another "spell" happened, and I'm back where I was.

Okay, I'm afraid here because I'm not in control of what I say or do when I'm in these spells, and I question who is. I have conversations with people, and that scares me.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#190801 - 11/10/07 05:25 PM Re: yelling.... [Re: BJK]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Hi Bryan...

I am new to to MS and to my recovery. I had been hiding my abuse and emotions for 41 years. It is amazing how you can keep something our of sight, but unfortunately not out of mind...for such a long period. i know that through out the years, my wife and i would have some real bad arguments and she always wanted to ahve the last word...many times, I felt like a corned animal and sometimes i would just snap and not really remember what was said or done after that. I would just sort of retreat into a space where I wouldn't be hurt. Fortunately, after I was able to discuss my CSA with my wife, the underlying stress seem to vanish. I have a sense of what you are experiencing...and I know it can be scary at times. Hang in there..it will get better.

Dan


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